Quotes List
Quotes...The 8th Thousand
From The Whole List
Start at 7001 Start at 7101 Start at 7201 Start at 7301

7001
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

-- Will Rogers

7002
There is no state name beginning with any of the letters B, E, J, Q, X, Y or Z.

-- From a Marilyn Vos Savant column

7003
The hen is the wisest of animals because she never cackles until the egg is laid.

-- Abraham Lincoln?

7004
It's great to be a man because...
Your last name stays put.

-- Unknown

7005
It's great to be a man because...
The garage is all yours.

-- Unknown

7006
It's great to be a man because...
Wedding plans take care of themselves.

-- Unknown

7007
It's great to be a man because...
Chocolate is just another snack.

-- Unknown

7008
It's great to be a man because...
You can be president.

-- Unknown

7009
It's great to be a man because...
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

-- Unknown

7010
It's great to be a man because...
Car mechanics tell you the truth.

-- Unknown

7011
It's great to be a man because...
You don't give a rats ass if someone notices your new haircut.

-- Unknown

7012
It's great to be a man because...
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

-- Unknown

7013
It's great to be a man because...
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

-- Unknown

7014
It's great to be a man because...
You can open all your own jars.

-- Unknown

7015
It's great to be a man because...
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

-- Unknown

7016
It's great to be a man because...
Same work...more pay.

-- Unknown

7017
It's great to be a man because...
Wrinkles add character.

-- Unknown

7018
It's great to be a man because...
Wedding Dress $5,000; Tux rental $100.

-- Unknown

7019
It's great to be a man because...
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

-- Unknown

7020
It's great to be a man because...
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

-- Unknown

7021
It's great to be a man because...
One mood, ALL the damn time.

-- Unknown

7022
It's great to be a man because...
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

-- Unknown

7023
It's great to be a man because...
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

-- Unknown

7024
It's great to be a man because...
You can leave the motel bed unmade.

-- Unknown

7025
It's great to be a man because...
You can kill your own food.

-- Unknown

7026
It's great to be a man because...
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

-- Unknown

7027
It's great to be a man because...
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

-- Unknown

7028
It's great to be a man because...
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

-- Unknown

7029
It's great to be a man because...
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.

-- Unknown

7030
It's great to be a man because...
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

-- Unknown

7031
It's great to be a man because...
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

-- Unknown

7032
It's great to be a man because...
You're not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

-- Unknown

7033
It's great to be a man because...
You almost never have strap problems in public.

-- Unknown

7034
It's great to be a man because...
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

-- Unknown

7035
It's great to be a man because...
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

-- Unknown

7036
It's great to be a man because...
You don't have to shave below your neck.

-- Unknown

7037
It's great to be a man because...
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

-- Unknown

7038
It's great to be a man because...
You can do your nails with a pocketknife.

-- Unknown

7039
It's great to be a man because...
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

-- Unknown

7040
It's great to be a man because...

 You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."

-- Unknown

7041
It's great to be a man because...

 If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

-- Unknown

7042
It's great to be a man because...

 Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, December 24 in 45 minutes.

-- Unknown

7043
It's great to be a man because...

 You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

-- Unknown

7044
It's great to be a man because...
The world is your urinal.

-- Unknown

7045
1 million-million microphones? = 1 megaphone

-- Unknown

7046
2 million bicycles? = 2 megacycles

-- Unknown

7047
365.25 days? = 1 unicycle

-- Unknown

7048
2000 mockingbirds? = 2 kilomockingbirds

-- Unknown

7049
10 cards? = 1 decacards

-- Unknown

7050
1 kilogram of falling figs? = 1 Fig Newton

-- Unknown

7051
1000 milliliters of wet socks? = 1 literhosen.

-- Unknown

7052
1 millionth of a fish? = 1 microfiche

-- Unknown

7053
1 trillion pins? = 1 terrapin

-- Unknown

7054
10 rations? = 1 decoration

-- Unknown

7055
100 rations? = 1 C-ration

-- Unknown

7056
2 monograms? = 1 diagram

-- Unknown

7057
8 nickels? = 2 paradigms

-- Unknown

7058
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital?
=
1 IV League

-- Unknown

7059
100 Senators? = Not 1 decision

-- Unknown

7060
Eternal Truths...

 

7061
Do you believe in love at first sight...or should I walk by you again?

-- Unknown

7062
Eternal Truths...

 We cannot change the direction of the wind...but we can adjust our sails.

-- Unknown

7063
Eternal Truths...

 Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

-- Unknown

7064
Eternal Truths...

 If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

-- Unknown

7065
Eternal Truths...

 Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

-- Unknown

7066
Eternal Truths...

 Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

-- Unknown

7067
Eternal Truths...

 Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

-- Unknown

7068
Eternal Truths...

 Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

-- Unknown

7069
Eternal Truths...

 Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

-- Unknown

7070
Eternal Truths...

 For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

-- Unknown

7071
Eternal Truths...

 Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

-- Unknown

7072
Eternal Truths...

 If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

-- Unknown

7073
Eternal Truths...

 A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

-- Unknown

7074
Eternal Truths...
Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

-- Unknown

7075
Eternal Truths...
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

-- Unknown

7076
Eternal Truths...
If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

-- Unknown

7077
Eternal Truths...
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

-- Unknown

7078
Eternal Truths...
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

-- Unknown

7079
Eternal Truths...
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

-- Unknown

7080
Eternal Truths...
Some days are a total waste of makeup.

-- Unknown

7081
Eternal Truths...
If the shoe fits...buy it in every color.

-- Unknown

7082
Eternal Truths...
If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

-- Unknown

7083
Eternal Truths...
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

-- Unknown

7084
Eternal Truths...
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

-- Unknown

7085
Eternal Truths...
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

-- Unknown

7086
Eternal Truths...
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

-- Unknown

7087
Eternal Truths...
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

-- Unknown

7088
Eternal Truths...
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

-- Unknown

7089
Eternal Truths...
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

-- Unknown

7090
Eternal Truths...
No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes

-- Unknown

7091
Eternal Truths...
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

-- Unknown

7092
Eternal Truths...
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

-- Unknown

7093
Eternal Truths...
It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

-- Unknown

7094
Eternal Truths...
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

-- Unknown

7095
Eternal Truths...
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

-- Unknown

7096
Eternal Truths...
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

-- Unknown

7097

 Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

-- Groucho Marx

7098
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

-- Unknown

7099
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

-- Unknown

7100
I live in my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.

-- Unknown

To top of page

7101
A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs...

 (Yankee) German Shepherd Dog
(Southern) Poh-leece Dawg

-- Unknown

7102
A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs...

 (Yankee) Poodle
(Southern) Circus Dawg

-- Unknown

7103
A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs...

 (Yankee) St. Bernard
(Southern) "Thank Gawd, Here Comes The Whiskey Dawg"

-- Unknown

7104
A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs...

 (Yankee) Doberman Pinscher (Southern-2 versions) Bad Dawg, or Dobimin Pinches

-- Unknown

7105
A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs...

 (Yankee) Beagle
(Southern) Rabbit Dawg

-- Unknown

7106
A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs...

 (Yankee) Rottweiler
(Southern) Bad Dawg AND Mean As Heck Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still.

-- Unknown

7107
A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs...

 (Yankee) Yellow Lab
(Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawg

-- Unknown

7108
A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs...

 (Yankee) Black Lab
(Southern) Duck fetchin' Dawg

-- Unknown

7109
A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs...

 (Yankee) Greyhound
(Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg

-- Unknown

7110
A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs...

 (Yankee) Malinois
(Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg

-- Unknown

7111
A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs...

 (Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
(Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs

-- Unknown

7112
A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs...

 (Yankee) Pekinese
(Southern) Mop Dawg

-- Unknown

7113
A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs...

 (Yankee) Chinese Crested
(Southern) Nekkid Dawg

-- Unknown

7114
A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs...

 (Yankee) Dachshund
(Southern) Weenie Dawg

-- Unknown

7115
A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs...

 (Yankee) Siberian Husky
(Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg

-- Unknown

7116
A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs...

 (Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor
(Southern) "What The Heck Kinda Dawg Is That?"

-- Unknown

7117
A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs...

 (Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff
(Southern) Danged BIG Dawg

-- Unknown

7118
A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs...

 (Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house
(Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg

-- Unknown

7119
A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs...

 (Yankee) Any lazy dog
(Southern) Good fer nothin' Dawg

-- Unknown

7120
A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs...

 (Yankee) Any dog that's dead & buried & gone to the Rainbow Bridge
(Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had...

-- Unknown

7121
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Implants?"

-- Unknown

7122
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

-- Unknown

7123
I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

-- Unknown

7124
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

-- Unknown

7125
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

-- Unknown

7126
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

-- Unknown

7127
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

-- Unknown

7128
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

-- Unknown

7129

 I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.

-- Unknown

7130

 Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

-- Unknown

7131

 I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

-- Unknown

7132

 The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

-- Unknown

7133

 If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades... now THAT'S a message!!

-- Unknown

7134

 I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

-- Unknown

7135

 I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

-- Unknown

7136

 Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

-- Unknown

7137

 If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

-- Unknown

7138

 How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

-- Unknown

7139

 Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

-- Unknown

7140

 The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably enjoys a better diet than thirty percent of the people in this world.

-- Unknown

7141

 Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

-- Unknown

7142
You know you're a Redneck if...

 You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7143
You know you're a Redneck if...

 You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7144
You know you're a Redneck if...

 Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7145
You know you're a Redneck if...

 Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7146
You know you're a Redneck if...

 You burn your yard rather than mow it.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7147
You know you're a Redneck if...

 You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7148
You know you're a Redneck if...

 The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7149
You know you're a Redneck if...

 Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7150
You know you're a Redneck if...

 You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7151
You know you're a Redneck if...

 You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7152
You know you're a Redneck if...

 You come back from the dump with more than you took.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7153
You know you're a Redneck if...

 You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7154
You know you're a Redneck if...

 Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7155
You know you're a Redneck if...

 Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7156
You know you're a Redneck if...

 You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7157
You know you're a Redneck if...

 You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7158
You know you're a Redneck if...

 You've bathed with flea and tick soap.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7159
You know you're a Redneck if...

 You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7160
You know you're a Redneck if...

 Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7161
You know you're a Redneck if...

 You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7162
You know you're a Redneck if...

 You took a fishing pole to Sea World.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7163
You know you're a Redneck if...

 You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7164
You know you're a Redneck if...

 You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7165
You know you're a Redneck if...

 You have a rag for a gas cap.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7166
You know you're a Redneck if...

 Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7167
You know you're a Redneck if...

 Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7168
You know you're a Redneck if...

 You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7169
You know you're a Redneck if...

 You can spit without opening your mouth.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7170
You know you're a Redneck if...

 You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7171
You know you're a Redneck if...

 Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7172
You know you're a Redneck if...

 You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7173
You know you're a Redneck if...

 You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on them.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7174
You know you're a Redneck if...

 The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7175
You know you're a Redneck if...

 Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7176
You know you're a Redneck if...

 You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7177
You know you're a Redneck if...

 You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7178
You know you're a Redneck if...

 You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7179
You know you're a Redneck if...

 Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7180
You know you're a Redneck if...

 A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $10,000 worth of improvement.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7181
You know you're a Redneck if...

 You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7182
You know you're a Redneck if...

 You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7183
You know you're a Redneck if...

 You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7184
You know you're a Redneck if...

 You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7185
You know you're a Redneck if...

 Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

-- Unknown (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

7186
Need directions?
-God

-- From the unknown sponsor of the "God" outdoor signs.

7187
Tell the kids I love them.
-God

-- From the unknown sponsor of the "God" outdoor signs.

7188
Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game.
-God

-- From the unknown sponsor of the "God" outdoor signs.

7189
C'mon over and bring the kids.
-God

-- From the unknown sponsor of the "God" outdoor signs.

7190
What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand?
-God

-- From the unknown sponsor of the "God" outdoor signs.

7191
We need to talk.
-God

-- From the unknown sponsor of the "God" outdoor signs.

7192
Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer.
-God

-- From the unknown sponsor of the "God" outdoor signs.

7193
Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.
-God

-- From the unknown sponsor of the "God" outdoor signs.

7194
That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it.
-God

-- From the unknown sponsor of the "God" outdoor signs.

7195
I love you and you and you and you and...
-God

-- From the unknown sponsor of the "God" outdoor signs.

7196
Will the road you're on get you to my place?
-God

-- From the unknown sponsor of the "God" outdoor signs.

7197
Follow me.
-God

-- From the unknown sponsor of the "God" outdoor signs.

7198
Big bang theory? You've got to be kidding.
-God

-- From the unknown sponsor of the "God" outdoor signs.

7199
My way is the high way.
-God

-- From the unknown sponsor of the "God" outdoor signs.

7200
You think it's hot here?
-God

-- From the unknown sponsor of the "God" outdoor signs.

To top of page

7201
I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen....and replaced by exact duplicates.

-- Steven Wright

7202
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

-- Steven Wright

7203
When everything is coming your way, you are obviously in the wrong lane.

-- Steven Wright

7204
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

-- Steven Wright

7205
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

-- Steven Wright

7206
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

-- Steven Wright

7207
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

-- Steven Wright

7208
Half the people you know are below average.

-- Steven Wright

7209
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

-- Steven Wright

7210
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

-- Steven Wright

7211
A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.

-- Steven Wright

7212
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

-- Steven Wright

7213
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

-- Steven Wright

7214
OK, so what's the speed of dark?

-- Steven Wright

7215
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

-- Steven Wright

7216
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

-- Unknown

7217
Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your ass?

-- Unknown

7218
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

-- Unknown

7219
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

-- Unknown

7220
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

-- Unknown

7221
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?

-- Unknown

7222
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

-- Unknown

7223
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

-- Unknown

7224
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

-- Unknown

7225
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?

-- Unknown

7226
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

-- Unknown

7227
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

-- Unknown

7228
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

-- Unknown

7229
What do people in China call their good plates?

-- Unknown

7230
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

-- Unknown

7231
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

-- Unknown

7232
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?

-- Unknown

7233
One of the world's thinnest books:
MY BEAUTY SECRETS...by Janet Reno

-- Unknown

7234
One of the world's thinnest books:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL...by Hillary Clinton

-- Unknown

7235
One of the world's thinnest books:
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD...by Bill Gates

-- Unknown

7236
One of the world's thinnest books:
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY...by Dennis Rodman

-- Unknown

7237
One of the world's thinnest books:
MY WILD YEARS...by Al Gore

-- Unknown

7238
One of the world's thinnest books:
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

-- Unknown

7239
One of the world's thinnest books:
AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

-- Unknown

7240
One of the world's thinnest books:
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES...by DR J. Kevorkian

-- Unknown

7241
One of the world's thinnest books:
EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

-- Unknown

7242
One of the world's thinnest books:
EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

-- Unknown

7243
One of the world's thinnest books:
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE...by Ellen DE Generes

-- Unknown

7244
One of the world's thinnest books:
MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

-- Unknown

7245
One of the world's thinnest books:
SPOTTED OWL RECIPES...by the EPA

-- Unknown

7246
One of the world's thinnest books:
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS...by O. J. Simpson

-- Unknown

7247
One of the world's thinnest books:
MY BOOK OF MORALS -...by Bill Clinton with introduction "The Reverend Jesse Jackson"

-- Unknown

7248
A bumper sticker:

So many stupid people... so few comets.

-- Unknown

7249
A bumper sticker:

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

-- Unknown

7250
A bumper sticker:

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

-- Unknown

7251
A bumper sticker:

Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.

-- Unknown

7252
A bumper sticker:

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

-- Unknown

7253
A bumper sticker:

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

-- Unknown

7254
A bumper sticker:

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

-- Unknown

7255
A bumper sticker:

I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

-- Unknown

7256
A bumper sticker:

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

-- Unknown

7257
A bumper sticker:

Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.

-- Unknown

7258
A bumper sticker:

Born free...Taxed to death.

-- Unknown

7259
A bumper sticker:

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

-- Unknown

7260
A bumper sticker:

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

-- Unknown

7261
A bumper sticker:

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

-- Unknown

7262
Of course you're a redneck if...

...you've ever stood outside a K-mart for more than an hour hagglin' with the manager about the shirt and shoes law.

-- Unknown

7263
Of course you're a redneck if...

...you've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.

-- Unknown

7264
Of course you're a redneck if...

...you think Wal-Mart is expensive.

-- Unknown

7265
Of course you're a redneck if...

...you have ever written a check for less than a dollar.

-- Unknown

7266
Of course you're a redneck if...

...you ask your 10-year old son how to spell a word.

-- Unknown

7267
Of course you're a redneck if...

...you've ever shoplifted Spam.

-- Unknown

7268
Of course you're a redneck if...

...you prefer the Sears catalog to Charmin.

-- Unknown

7269
Of course you're a redneck if...

...your blood alcohol content has ever exceeded your I.Q.

-- Unknown

7270
Of course you're a redneck if...

...your name is Billy Joe Jim Bob III.

-- Unknown

7271
Of course you're a redneck if...

...you can't go to church this year because your Sunday socks are being used as the truck's gas cap.

-- Unknown

7272
Of course you're a redneck if...

...you think the vowels are E..I..E..I..O.

-- Unknown

7273
Of course you're a redneck if...

...you clean your car or truck out with a leaf blower.

-- Unknown

7274
Of course you're a redneck if...

...you gave your young son a super-soaker water gun and an NRA application for his birthday.

-- Unknown

7275
Of course you're a redneck if...

...a tornado goes through your trailer's yard and makes it look neater.

-- Unknown

7276
Of course you're a redneck if...

...you think "Meals on Wheels" is another name for roadkill.

-- Unknown

7277
Of course you're a redneck if...

...you've ever slam-shifted a tractor.

-- Unknown

7278
Of course you're a redneck if...

...you've been to the emergency room more than 3 times for mashing the wrong end of a thumb tack.

-- Unknown

7279
Of course you're a redneck if...

...the number of times you've seen either Elvis or a UFO exceeds your I.Q.

-- Unknown

7280
Of course you're a redneck if...

...on average, only one out of every thirty words you use can be found in a dictionary.

-- Unknown

7281
Of course you're a redneck if...

...You always say "Scuse me" when you throw-up in a friend's car.

-- Unknown

7282
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...

If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.

-- Unknown

7283
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...

I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20.00.

-- Unknown

7284
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...

Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one.

-- Unknown

7285
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...

Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?

-- Unknown

7286
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...

If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.

-- Unknown

7287
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...

No one can afford to be sick any more, $35.00 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood.

-- Unknown

7288
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...

There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.

-- Unknown

7289
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...

The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.

-- Unknown

7290
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...

Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to Congress.

-- Unknown

7291
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...

Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday that they will be making more than the President.

-- Unknown

7292
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...

I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.

-- Unknown

7293
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...

Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorces at the drop of a hat.

-- Unknown

7294
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...

It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.

-- Unknown

7295
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...

It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.

-- Unknown

7296
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...

I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.

-- Unknown

7297
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...

I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.

-- Unknown

7298
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...

I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying "damn" in Gone With The Wind, it seems every new movie has either "Hell" or "damn" in it.

-- Unknown

7299
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...

When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.

-- Unknown

7300
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...

Kids today are impossible. Those ducktail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls,

-- Unknown

7301

 We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.

-- Winston Churchill

7302

 A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

-- George Bernard Shaw

7303

 Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries

-- Douglas Casey (1992)

7304

 Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

-- P. J. O'Rourke

7305

 A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.

-- G. Gordon Liddy

7306

 Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.

-- Frederic Bastiat

7307

 Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.

-- Ronald Reagan (1986)

7308

 I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the acts.

-- Will Rogers

7309

 If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.

-- P. J. O'Rourke

7310

 Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you.

-- Pericles (430 BC)

7311

 No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.

-- Mark Twain (1866)

7312

 What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.

-- Edward Langley

7313

 Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

-- Mark Twain

7314

 Talk is cheap except when Congress does it.

-- Mark Twain

7315

 The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.

-- Ronald Reagan

7316

 The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.

-- Winston Churchill

7317

 The only difference between a taxman and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

-- Mark Twain

7318

 Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

-- Unknown

7319

 Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

-- Unknown

7320

 The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

-- Unknown

7321

 Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

-- Unknown

7322

 How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

-- Unknown

7323

 When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

-- Unknown

7324

 You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

-- Unknown

7325

 One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

-- Unknown

7326

 One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

-- Unknown

7327

 Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

-- Unknown

7328

 Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

-- Unknown

7329

 If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

-- Unknown

7330

 First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper, then ...... Oh my goodness, you forgot to pull your zipper down!

-- Unknown

7331

 If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, WHY would anyone want to wear a windbreaker??

-- Unknown

7332

 I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

-- Unknown

7333

 The purpose of life is a life of purpose.

-- Unknown

7334

 If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

-- Unknown

7335
A hundred years ago (1902)...

 The average life expectancy in the US was forty-seven.

-- Unknown

7336
A hundred years ago (1902)...

 Only 14 Percent of the homes in the US had a bathtub.

-- Unknown

7337
A hundred years ago (1902)...

 Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

-- Unknown

7338
A hundred years ago (1902)...

 A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.

-- Unknown

7339
A hundred years ago (1902)...

 There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads.

-- Unknown

7340
A hundred years ago (1902)...

 The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

-- Unknown

7341
A hundred years ago (1902)...

 Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.

-- Unknown

7342
A hundred years ago (1902)...

 The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

-- Unknown

7343
A hundred years ago (1902)...

 The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour.

-- Unknown

7344
A hundred years ago (1902)...

 The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

-- Unknown

7345
A hundred years ago (1902)...

 A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

-- Unknown

7346
A hundred years ago (1902)...

 More than 95 percent of all births in the US took place at home.

-- Unknown

7347
A hundred years ago (1902)...

 Ninety percent of all US physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."

-- Unknown

7348
A hundred years ago (1902)...

 Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound.

-- Unknown

7349
A hundred years ago (1902)...

 Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

-- Unknown

7350
A hundred years ago (1902)...

 Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.

-- Unknown

7351
A hundred years ago (1902)...

 The five leading causes of death in the US were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

-- Unknown

7352
A hundred years ago (1902)...

 The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

-- Unknown

7353
A hundred years ago (1902)...

 The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was 30.

-- Unknown

7354
A hundred years ago (1902)...

 Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.

-- Unknown

7355
A hundred years ago (1902)...

 There were no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

-- Unknown

7356
A hundred years ago (1902)...

 One in ten US adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

-- Unknown

7357
A hundred years ago (1902)...

 Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."

-- Unknown

7358
A hundred years ago (1902)...

 Eighteen percent of households in the US had at least one full-time servant or domestic.

-- Unknown

7359
A hundred years ago (1902)...

 There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire US.

-- Unknown

7360
Elementary students on the Bible...

 In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

-- Unknown

7361
Elementary students on the Bible...

 Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on in pears.

-- Unknown

7362
Elementary students on the Bible...

 Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

-- Unknown

7363
Elementary students on the Bible...

 The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

-- Unknown

7364
Elementary students on the Bible...

 Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

-- Unknown

7365
Elementary students on the Bible...

 Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

-- Unknown

7366
Elementary students on the Bible...

 Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

-- Unknown

7367
Elementary students on the Bible...

 The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

-- Unknown

7368
Elementary students on the Bible...

 The first commandment was when Eve told adam to eat the apple.

-- Unknown

7369
Elementary students on the Bible...

 The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

-- Unknown

7370
Elementary students on the Bible...

 Moses died before he ever reaches Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

-- Unknown

7371
Elementary students on the Bible...

 The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and they obeyed him.

-- Unknown

7372
Elementary students on the Bible...

 David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who live in Biblical times.

-- Unknown

7373
Elementary students on the Bible...

 Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

-- Unknown

7374
Elementary students on the Bible...

 When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

-- Unknown

7375
Elementary students on the Bible...

 When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

-- Unknown

7376
Elementary students on the Bible...

 Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

-- Unknown

7377
Elementary students on the Bible...

 St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

-- Unknown

7378
Elementary students on the Bible...

 Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.

-- Unknown

7379
Elementary students on the Bible...

 It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

-- Unknown

7380
Elementary students on the Bible...

 The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

-- Unknown

7381
Elementary students on the Bible...

  The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

-- Unknown

7382
Elementary students on the Bible...

 One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

-- Unknown

7383
Elementary students on the Bible...

 St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

-- Unknown

7384
Elementary students on the Bible...

 Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

-- Unknown

7385
As you get old...

 Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.

-- Unknown

7386
As you get old...

 Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

-- Unknown

7387
As you get old...

 Enjoy the simple things.

-- Unknown

7388
As you get old...

 Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

-- Unknown

7389
As you get old...

 Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

-- Unknown

7390
As you get old...

 The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

-- Unknown

7391
As you get old...

 Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

-- Unknown

7392
As you get old...

 Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

-- Unknown

7393
As you get old...

 Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

-- Unknown

7394
As you get old...

 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

-- Unknown

7395
You're from the Midwest when...

 You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

-- Unknown

7396
You're from the Midwest when...

 Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

-- Unknown

7397
You're from the Midwest when...

 You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

-- Unknown

7398
You're from the Midwest when...

 Your first job was detasseling.

-- Unknown

7399
You're from the Midwest when...

 You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?" or "If you go to the mall, I wanna go with."

-- Unknown

7400
You're from the Midwest when...

 When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different."

-- Unknown

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