| Start at 7001 | Start at 7101 | Start at 7201 | Start at 7301 |
7001
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
7002
There is no state name beginning with any of the letters B, E, J, Q, X, Y or Z.
7003
The hen is the wisest of animals because she never cackles until the egg is laid.
7004
It's great to be a man because...
Your last name stays put.
7005
It's great to be a man because...
The garage is all yours.
7006
It's great to be a man because...
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
7007
It's great to be a man because...
Chocolate is just another snack.
7008
It's great to be a man because...
You can be president.
7009
It's great to be a man because...
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
7010
It's great to be a man because...
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
7011
It's great to be a man because...
You don't give a rats ass if someone notices your new haircut.
7012
It's great to be a man because...
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
7013
It's great to be a man because...
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
7014
It's great to be a man because...
You can open all your own jars.
7015
It's great to be a man because...
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
7016
It's great to be a man because...
Same work...more pay.
7017
It's great to be a man because...
Wrinkles add character.
7018
It's great to be a man because...
Wedding Dress $5,000; Tux rental $100.
7019
It's great to be a man because...
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
7020
It's great to be a man because...
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
7021
It's great to be a man because...
One mood, ALL the damn time.
7022
It's great to be a man because...
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
7023
It's great to be a man because...
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
7024
It's great to be a man because...
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
7025
It's great to be a man because...
You can kill your own food.
7026
It's great to be a man because...
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
7027
It's great to be a man because...
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
7028
It's great to be a man because...
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
7029
It's great to be a man because...
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
7030
It's great to be a man because...
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
7031
It's great to be a man because...
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
7032
It's great to be a man because...
You're not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
7033
It's great to be a man because...
You almost never have strap problems in public.
7034
It's great to be a man because...
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
7035
It's great to be a man because...
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
7036
It's great to be a man because...
You don't have to shave below your neck.
7037
It's great to be a man because...
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
7038
It's great to be a man because...
You can do your nails with a pocketknife.
7039
It's great to be a man because...
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
7040 7041 7042 7043 7044 7045 7046 7047 7048 7049 7050 7051 7052 7053 7054 7055 7056 7057 7058 7059 7060 7061 7062 7063 7064 7065 7066 7067 7068 7069 7070 7071 7072 7073 7074 7075 7076 7077 7078 7079 7080 7081 7082 7083 7084 7085 7086 7087 7088 7089 7090 7091 7092 7093 7094 7095 7096 7097 7098 7099 7100
It's great to be a man because... You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
It's great to be a man because... If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
It's great to be a man because... Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, December 24 in 45 minutes.
It's great to be a man because... You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
It's great to be a man because...
The world is your urinal.
1 million-million microphones? = 1 megaphone
2 million bicycles? = 2 megacycles
365.25 days? = 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds? = 2 kilomockingbirds
10 cards? = 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs? = 1 Fig Newton
1000 milliliters of wet socks? = 1 literhosen.
1 millionth of a fish? = 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins? = 1 terrapin
10 rations? = 1 decoration
100 rations? = 1 C-ration
2 monograms? = 1 diagram
8 nickels? = 2 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital?
=
1 IV League
100 Senators? = Not 1 decision
Eternal Truths...
Do you believe in love at first sight...or should I walk by you again?
Eternal Truths... We cannot change the direction of the wind...but we can adjust our sails.
Eternal Truths... Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Eternal Truths... If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Eternal Truths... Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Eternal Truths... Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Eternal Truths... Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Eternal Truths... Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
Eternal Truths... Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
Eternal Truths... For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
Eternal Truths... Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
Eternal Truths... If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Eternal Truths... A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Eternal Truths...
Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
Eternal Truths...
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
Eternal Truths...
If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
Eternal Truths...
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Eternal Truths...
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Eternal Truths...
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
Eternal Truths...
Some days are a total waste of makeup.
Eternal Truths...
If the shoe fits...buy it in every color.
Eternal Truths...
If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
Eternal Truths...
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Eternal Truths...
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Eternal Truths...
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Eternal Truths...
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
Eternal Truths...
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Eternal Truths...
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Eternal Truths...
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Eternal Truths...
No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes
Eternal Truths...
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Eternal Truths...
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Eternal Truths...
It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
Eternal Truths...
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Eternal Truths...
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Eternal Truths...
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I live in my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
7101
| A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs... |
| (Yankee) German Shepherd Dog (Southern) Poh-leece Dawg |
7102
| A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs... |
| (Yankee) Poodle (Southern) Circus Dawg |
7103
| A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs... |
| (Yankee) St. Bernard (Southern) "Thank Gawd, Here Comes The Whiskey Dawg" |
7104
| A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs... |
| (Yankee) Doberman Pinscher (Southern-2 versions) Bad Dawg, or Dobimin Pinches |
7105
| A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs... |
| (Yankee) Beagle (Southern) Rabbit Dawg |
7106
| A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs... |
| (Yankee) Rottweiler (Southern) Bad Dawg AND Mean As Heck Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still. |
7107
| A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs... |
| (Yankee) Yellow Lab (Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawg |
7108
| A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs... |
| (Yankee) Black Lab (Southern) Duck fetchin' Dawg |
7109
| A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs... |
| (Yankee) Greyhound (Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg |
7110
| A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs... |
| (Yankee) Malinois (Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg |
7111
| A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs... |
| (Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc. (Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs |
7112
| A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs... |
| (Yankee) Pekinese (Southern) Mop Dawg |
7113
| A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs... |
| (Yankee) Chinese Crested (Southern) Nekkid Dawg |
7114
| A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs... |
| (Yankee) Dachshund (Southern) Weenie Dawg |
7115
| A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs... |
| (Yankee) Siberian Husky (Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg |
7116
| A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs... |
| (Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor (Southern) "What The Heck Kinda Dawg Is That?" |
7117
| A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs... |
| (Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff (Southern) Danged BIG Dawg |
7118
| A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs... |
| (Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house (Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg |
7119
| A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs... |
| (Yankee) Any lazy dog (Southern) Good fer nothin' Dawg |
7120
| A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs... |
| (Yankee) Any dog that's dead & buried & gone to the Rainbow Bridge (Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had... |
7121
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Implants?"
7122
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
7123
I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
7124
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
7125
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
7126
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
7127
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
7128
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
7129
| I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast. |
7130
| Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. |
7131
| I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected. |
7132
| The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. |
7133
| If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades... now THAT'S a message!! |
7134
| I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. |
7135
| I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately! |
7136
| Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. |
7137
| If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway? |
7138
| How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? |
7139
| Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? |
7140
| The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably enjoys a better diet than thirty percent of the people in this world. |
7141
| Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!" |
7142
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. |
7143
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter. |
7144
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center. |
7145
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. |
7146
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| You burn your yard rather than mow it. |
7147
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive. |
7148
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| The Salvation Army declines your mattress. |
7149
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one. |
7150
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. |
7151
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. |
7152
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| You come back from the dump with more than you took. |
7153
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. |
7154
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. |
7155
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list. |
7156
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. |
7157
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. |
7158
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| You've bathed with flea and tick soap. |
7159
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. |
7160
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell. |
7161
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture. |
7162
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| You took a fishing pole to Sea World. |
7163
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. |
7164
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. |
7165
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| You have a rag for a gas cap. |
7166
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner. |
7167
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does. |
7168
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean. |
7169
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| You can spit without opening your mouth. |
7170
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. |
7171
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. |
7172
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota. |
7173
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on them. |
7174
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart. |
7175
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. |
7176
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler. |
7177
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. |
7178
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart. |
7179
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home. |
7180
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $10,000 worth of improvement. |
7181
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher. |
7182
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?" |
7183
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty. |
7184
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph. |
7185
| You know you're a Redneck if... |
| Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is. |
7186
Need directions?
-God
7187
Tell the kids I love them.
-God
7188
Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game.
-God
7189
C'mon over and bring the kids.
-God
7190
What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand?
-God
7191
We need to talk.
-God
7192
Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer.
-God
7193
Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.
-God
7194
That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it.
-God
7195
I love you and you and you and you and...
-God
7196
Will the road you're on get you to my place?
-God
7197
Follow me.
-God
7198
Big bang theory? You've got to be kidding.
-God
7199
My way is the high way.
-God
7200
You think it's hot here?
-God
7201
I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen....and replaced by exact duplicates.
7202
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
7203
When everything is coming your way, you are obviously in the wrong lane.
7204
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
7205
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7206
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
7207
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
7208
Half the people you know are below average.
7209
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7210
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
7211
A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.
7212
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
7213
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
7214
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
7215
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
7216
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
7217
Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your ass?
7218
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
7219
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
7220
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
7221
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?
7222
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7223
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
7224
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
7225
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?
7226
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
7227
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
7228
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
7229
What do people in China call their good plates?
7230
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
7231
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
7232
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?
7233
One of the world's thinnest books:
MY BEAUTY SECRETS...by Janet Reno
7234
One of the world's thinnest books:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL...by Hillary Clinton
7235
One of the world's thinnest books:
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD...by Bill Gates
7236
One of the world's thinnest books:
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY...by Dennis Rodman
7237
One of the world's thinnest books:
MY WILD YEARS...by Al Gore
7238
One of the world's thinnest books:
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
7239
One of the world's thinnest books:
AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
7240
One of the world's thinnest books:
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES...by DR J. Kevorkian
7241
One of the world's thinnest books:
EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7242
One of the world's thinnest books:
EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
7243
One of the world's thinnest books:
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE...by Ellen DE Generes
7244
One of the world's thinnest books:
MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
7245
One of the world's thinnest books:
SPOTTED OWL RECIPES...by the EPA
7246
One of the world's thinnest books:
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS...by O. J. Simpson
7247
One of the world's thinnest books:
MY BOOK OF MORALS -...by Bill Clinton with introduction "The Reverend Jesse Jackson"
7248
A bumper sticker:
7249
A bumper sticker:
7250
A bumper sticker:
7251
A bumper sticker:
7252
A bumper sticker:
7253
A bumper sticker:
7254
A bumper sticker:
7255
A bumper sticker:
7256
A bumper sticker:
7257
A bumper sticker:
7258
A bumper sticker:
7259
A bumper sticker:
7260
A bumper sticker:
7261
A bumper sticker:
7262
Of course you're a redneck if...
7263
Of course you're a redneck if...
7264
Of course you're a redneck if...
7265
Of course you're a redneck if...
7266
Of course you're a redneck if...
7267
Of course you're a redneck if...
7268
Of course you're a redneck if...
7269
Of course you're a redneck if...
7270
Of course you're a redneck if...
7271
Of course you're a redneck if...
7272
Of course you're a redneck if...
7273
Of course you're a redneck if...
7274
Of course you're a redneck if...
7275
Of course you're a redneck if...
7276
Of course you're a redneck if...
7277
Of course you're a redneck if...
7278
Of course you're a redneck if...
7279
Of course you're a redneck if...
7280
Of course you're a redneck if...
7281
Of course you're a redneck if...
7282
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...
7283
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...
7284
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...
7285
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...
7286
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...
7287
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...
7288
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...
7289
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...
7290
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...
7291
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...
7292
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...
7293
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...
7294
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...
7295
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...
7296
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...
7297
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...
7298
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...
7299
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...
7300
Nostalgia's not what it used to be (from 1957)...
7301
| We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. |
7302
| A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. |
7303
| Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries |
7304
| Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. |
7305
| A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. |
7306
| Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. |
7307
| Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. |
7308
| I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the acts. |
7309
| If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. |
7310
| Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you. |
7311
| No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. |
7312
| What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. |
7313
| Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. |
7314
| Talk is cheap except when Congress does it. |
7315
| The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. |
7316
| The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. |
7317
| The only difference between a taxman and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. |
7318
| Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf. |
7319
| Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. |
7320
| The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. |
7321
| Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. |
7322
| How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are? |
7323
| When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. |
7324
| You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. |
7325
| One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. |
7326
| One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been. |
7327
| Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. |
7328
| Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you. |
7329
| If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old. |
7330
| First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper, then ...... Oh my goodness, you forgot to pull your zipper down! |
7331
| If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, WHY would anyone want to wear a windbreaker?? |
7332
| I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. |
7333
| The purpose of life is a life of purpose. |
7334
| If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? |
7335
| A hundred years ago (1902)... |
| The average life expectancy in the US was forty-seven. |
7336
| A hundred years ago (1902)... |
| Only 14 Percent of the homes in the US had a bathtub. |
7337
| A hundred years ago (1902)... |
| Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. |
7338
| A hundred years ago (1902)... |
| A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars. |
7339
| A hundred years ago (1902)... |
| There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads. |
7340
| A hundred years ago (1902)... |
| The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. |
7341
| A hundred years ago (1902)... |
| Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union. |
7342
| A hundred years ago (1902)... |
| The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower. |
7343
| A hundred years ago (1902)... |
| The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour. |
7344
| A hundred years ago (1902)... |
| The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year. |
7345
| A hundred years ago (1902)... |
| A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. |
7346
| A hundred years ago (1902)... |
| More than 95 percent of all births in the US took place at home. |
7347
| A hundred years ago (1902)... |
| Ninety percent of all US physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard." |
7348
| A hundred years ago (1902)... |
| Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound. |
7349
| A hundred years ago (1902)... |
| Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo. |
7350
| A hundred years ago (1902)... |
| Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason. |
7351
| A hundred years ago (1902)... |
| The five leading causes of death in the US were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke |
7352
| A hundred years ago (1902)... |
| The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet. |
7353
| A hundred years ago (1902)... |
| The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was 30. |
7354
| A hundred years ago (1902)... |
| Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented. |
7355
| A hundred years ago (1902)... |
| There were no Mother's Day or Father's Day. |
7356
| A hundred years ago (1902)... |
| One in ten US adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school. |
7357
| A hundred years ago (1902)... |
| Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." |
7358
| A hundred years ago (1902)... |
| Eighteen percent of households in the US had at least one full-time servant or domestic. |
7359
| A hundred years ago (1902)... |
| There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire US. |
7360
| Elementary students on the Bible... |
| In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. |
7361
| Elementary students on the Bible... |
| Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on in pears. |
7362
| Elementary students on the Bible... |
| Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. |
7363
| Elementary students on the Bible... |
| The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. |
7364
| Elementary students on the Bible... |
| Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. |
7365
| Elementary students on the Bible... |
| Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles. |
7366
| Elementary students on the Bible... |
| Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients. |
7367
| Elementary students on the Bible... |
| The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments. |
7368
| Elementary students on the Bible... |
| The first commandment was when Eve told adam to eat the apple. |
7369
| Elementary students on the Bible... |
| The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. |
7370
| Elementary students on the Bible... |
| Moses died before he ever reaches Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. |
7371
| Elementary students on the Bible... |
| The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and they obeyed him. |
7372
| Elementary students on the Bible... |
| David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who live in Biblical times. |
7373
| Elementary students on the Bible... |
| Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. |
7374
| Elementary students on the Bible... |
| When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. |
7375
| Elementary students on the Bible... |
| When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. |
7376
| Elementary students on the Bible... |
| Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. |
7377
| Elementary students on the Bible... |
| St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head. |
7378
| Elementary students on the Bible... |
| Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone. |
7379
| Elementary students on the Bible... |
| It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. |
7380
| Elementary students on the Bible... |
| The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. |
7381
| Elementary students on the Bible... |
| The epistles were the wives of the apostles. |
7382
| Elementary students on the Bible... |
| One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. |
7383
| Elementary students on the Bible... |
| St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. |
7384
| Elementary students on the Bible... |
| Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony. |
7385
| As you get old... |
| Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her. |
7386
| As you get old... |
| Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. |
7387
| As you get old... |
| Enjoy the simple things. |
7388
| As you get old... |
| Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's. |
7389
| As you get old... |
| Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. |
7390
| As you get old... |
| The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive. |
7391
| As you get old... |
| Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. |
7392
| As you get old... |
| Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge. |
7393
| As you get old... |
| Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. |
7394
| As you get old... |
| Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is. |
7395
| You're from the Midwest when... |
| You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name. |
7396
| You're from the Midwest when... |
| Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. |
7397
| You're from the Midwest when... |
| You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day. |
7398
| You're from the Midwest when... |
| Your first job was detasseling. |
7399
| You're from the Midwest when... |
| You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?" or "If you go to the mall, I wanna go with." |
7400
| You're from the Midwest when... |
| When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different." |