| Start at 6001 | Start at 6101 | Start at 6201 | Start at 6301 |
| Start at 6401 | Start at 6501 | Start at 6601 | Start at 6701 |
| Start at 6801 | Start at 6901 |
6001
Plough deep while Sluggards sleep; and you shall have Corn to sell and to keep.
6002
Love well, whip well.
6003
Eat to live, and not live to eat.
6004
After three days men grow weary of a wench, a guest, and weather rainy.
6005
To lengthen thy Life, lessen thy Meals.
6006
The proof of gold is fire; the proof of woman, gold; the proof of man, a woman.
6007
Great talkers; little doers.
6008
Take counsel in Wine, but resolve afterwards in Water.
6009
He that drinks fast, pays slow.
6010
A full Belly is the Mother of all Evil.
6011
Great famine when Wolves eat Wolves.
6012
Wise Men learn by other's harms; Fools by their own.
6013
What maintains one Vice would bring up two Children.
6014
A quiet Conscience sleeps in Thunder, but Rest and Guilt live far asunder.
6015
He that won't be counsell'd, can't be help'd.
6016
Wink at small faults - remember thou hast great ones.
6017
Eat to please thyself, but dress to please others.
6018
When man and woman die,
&ngsp;As poets sung
His heart's the last part moves,
Her last, the tongue.
6019
Craft must be at charge for clothes, but Truth can go naked.
6020
Write Injuries in Dust, Benefits in Marble.
6021
Happy's the Wooing that's not long a doing.
6022
He that takes a Wife takes Care.
6023
Lawyers, Preachers, and Tomtit's Eggs, there are more of them hatched than come to perfection.
6024
Poverty wants some things, Luxury many things, Avarice all things.
6025
All things are cheap to the saving, dear to the wasteful.
6026
If you ride a Horse, sit close and tight, if you ride a Man, sit easy and light.
6027
Would you persuade, speak of interest, not of reason.
6028
Serving God is doing good to Man, but praying is thought an easier Service, and therefore more generally chosen.
6029
What is Serving God? 'Tis doing Good to Man.
6030
Cut the Wings of your Hens and Hopes, lest they lead you a weary Dance after them.
6031
Would you live with ease, do what you ought, not what you please.
6032
The Horse thinks one thing, and he that saddles him another.
6033
Love your Neighbour; yet don't pull down your Hedge.
6034
When Prosperity was well mounted, she let go the Bridle and soon came tumbling out of the Saddle.
6035
In the Affairs of this World Men are saved, not by Faith, but by the Want of it.
6036
Early to Bed and early to rise, makes a Man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
6037
A good Wife lost, is God's gift lost.
6038
He is ill clothed that is bare of Virtue.
6039
Friendship cannot live with Ceremony, nor without Civility.
6040
The learned Fool writes his Nonsense in better Language than the unlearned; but still 'tis Nonsense.
6041
Men and melons are hard to know.
6042
He's the best physician that knows the worthlessness of most medicines.
6043
Keep your Mouth wet, Feet dry.
6044
If you would reap Praise you must sow the Seeds, gentle Words and useful Deeds.
6045
Sudden Pow'r is apt to be insolent, sudden Liberty saucy; that behaves best which has grown gradually.
6046
Many have quarrel'd about Religion, that never practised it. If man could have Half his Wishes he would double his troubles.
6047
Success has ruin'd many a Man.
6048
The thrifty maxim of the wary Dutch, is to save all the money they can touch.
6049
Up, sluggard, and waste not life; in the Grave will be sleeping enough.
6050
It is better to take many Injuries, than to give one.
6051
Trust thyself, and another shall not betray thee.
6052
Haste makes Waste.
6053
To be humble to superiors is duty, to equals courtesy, to inferiors nobleness.
6054
An old young man will be a young old man.
6055
Sally laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.
6056
Diligence is the mother of good luck.
6057
Do not do that which you would not have known.
6058
God heals and the doctor takes the fee.
6059
If thou would'st live long, live well; for Folly and Wickedness shorten life.
6060
God works wonders now and then; Behold; a lawyer, an honest man.
6061
He that pays for work before it's done, has but a pennyworth for two pence.
6062
You may be more happy than Princes, if you will be more virtuous.
6063
Thou can'st not joke an Enemy into a Friend, but thou may'st a Friend into an Enemy.
6064
Anger is never without a Reason, but seldom with a good One.
6065
An ill Wound, but not an ill Name, may be healed.
6066
A lean Award is better than a fat Judgment.
6067
Drink does not drown Care, but waters it, and makes it grow faster.
6068
Eating sour Pickles won't kill your Appetite.
6069
Wish a Miser long life, and you wish him no good.
6070
God, Parents, and Instructors, can never be requited.
6071
Many Dishes, many Diseases.
6072
The Sting of a Reproach is the Truth of it.
6073
Light heel'd Mothers make leaden heel'd Daughters.
6074
Three may keep a secret if two of them are dead.
6075
He that resolves to mend hereafter, resolves not to mend now.
6076
When the well's dry, we know the worth of water.
6077
A good Wife & Health, is a Man's best Wealth.
6078
Virtue & Happiness are Mother & Daughter.
6079
He that whines for Glass without G, take away L and that's he.
6080
A quarrelsome Man has no good Neighbours.
6081
Many a Man would have been worse, if his Estate had been better.
6082
Nothing brings more Pain than too much Pleasure; nothing more bondage than too much Liberty, (or Libertinism).
6083
If you would not be forgotten, as soon as you are dead and rotten, either write things worth reading, or do things worth the writing.
6084
Sell not virtue to purchase wealth, nor liberty to purchase power.
6085
Don't throw stones at your neighbours', if your own Windows are glass.
6086
The Honey is sweet, but the Bee has a Sting.
6087
Keep your eyes wide open before Marriage, half shut afterwards.
6088
The excellency of Hogs is - fatness; of Men - virtue.
6089
Why does the blind man's Wife paint herself?
6090
He that sells upon Trust, loses many friends, and always wants money.
6091
Creditors have better memories than Debtors.
6092
Forewam'd, forearm'd.
6093
Many a Man thinks he is buying Pleasure, when he is really selling himself a Slave to it.
6094
There is no Man so bad but he secretly respects the Good.
6095
Great Talkers should be cropp'd, for they have no need of Ears.
6096
Pray don't burn my House to roast your Eggs.
6097
Fly Pleasures, and they'll follow you.
6098
Since thou art not sure of a Minute, throw not away an Hour.
6099
As we must account for every idle Word, so we must for every idle Silence.
6100
Time is an herb that cures all diseases.
6101
If you do what you should not, you must hear what you would not.
6102
Never praise your Cyder or your Horse.
6103
He that can have Patience can have what he will.
6104
Now I have a Sheep and a Cow, every body bids me good-morrow.
6105
God helps them that help themselves.
6106
Good wives and good plantations are made by good Husbands.
6107
Poverty, poetry, and new titles of honour, make men ridiculous.
6108
He that scatters thorns, let him not go barefoot.
6109
Drunkenness, that worst of Evils, makes some men Fools, some Beasts, some Devils.
6110
Most People return small Favours, acknowledge middling ones, and repay great ones with Ingratitude.
6111
'Tis easier to suppress the first Desire, than to satisfy all that follow it.
6112
Don't judge of Men's Wealth or Piety, by their Sunday Appearances
6113
Work as if you were to live 100 years, Pray as if you were to die To-morrow.
6114
The Golden Age never was the present Age.
6115
The Wise and Brave dares own that he was wrong.
6116
To whom thy secret thou dost tell, to him thy freedom thou dost sell.
6117
For want of a Nail the Shoe is lost; for want of a Shoe the Horse is lost; for want of a Horse the Rider is lost.
6118
'Tis more noble to forgive, and more manly to despise, than to revenge an Injury.
6119
Meanness is the Parent of Insolence.
6120
If you'd have a servant that you like, serve yourself.
6121
Man, dally not with other Fo1ks' Women or Money.
6122
Is there anything men take more pains about than to make themselves unhappy?
6123
The rotten Apple spoils his Companion.
6124
I saw few die of hunger; of eating...100,000
6125
The sleeping Fox catches no poultry. Up! Up!
6126
Write with the learned, pronounce with the vulgar.
6127
An egg to-day is better than a hen to-morrow.
6128
Tell a miser he's rich, and a woman she's old, you'll get no Money of one, nor Kindness of t'other.
6129
The Proud hate Pride - in others.
6130
He that pursues two Hares at once, does not catch one and lets t'other go.
6131
Don't go to the Doctor with every distemper, nor to the Lawyer with every quarrel, nor to the Pot with every thirst.
6132
Friendship increases by visiting Friends, but by visiting seldom.
6133
If your Riches are yours, why don't you take them with you to t'other World?
6134
Cunning proceeds from Want of Capacity.
6135
What more valuable than Gold? Diamonds. Than Diamonds? Virtue.
6136
'Tis great Confidence in a Friend to tell him your Faults, greater to tell him his.
6137
Talking against Religion is unchaining a Tyger; the Beast let loose may worry his Deliverer.
6138
A Flatterer never seems absurd: The Flatter'd always takes his word.
6139
Great Estates may venture more; Little Boats must keep near Shore.
6140
You may be too cunning for one, but not for all.
6141
'Tis easier to prevent bad Habits than to break them.
6142
Let thy Child's first lesson be obedience, and the second will be what thou wilt.
6143
Rather go to bed supperless than run in debt for a Breakfast.
6144
Blessed is he that expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
6145
Be at War with your Vices, at Peace with your Neighbours, and let every new-Year find you a better Man.
6146
Old Boys have their Playthings as well as young Ones; the Difference is only in the Price.
6147
Nothing dries sooner than a Tear.
6148
A Change of Fortune hurts a wise Man no more than a Change of the Moon.
6149
Mine is better than Ours.
6150
He that hath no Ill-Fortune will be troubled with Good.
6151
Where Sense is wanting, Everything is wanting.
6152
Dost thou love life? Then do not squander Time; for that's the Stuff Life is made of.
6153
When Knaves betray each other, one can scarce be blamed or the other pitied.
6154
Fools need Advice most, but only wise Men are the better for it.
6155
Silence is not always a Sign of Wisdom, but Babbling is ever a Folly.
6156
Friends are the true Sceptres of Princes.
6157
For Age and Want save while you may; No morning Sun lasts a whole Day.
6158
He that would travel much, should eat little.
6159
The hasty Bitch brings forth blind Puppies.
6160
Two dry Sticks will burn a green One.
6161
Praise little, dispraise less.
6162
You may give a Man an Office, but you cannot give him Discretion.
6163
A Child thinks 20 Shillings and 20 Years can scarce ever be spent.
6164
Willows are weak, but they bind the Faggot.
6165
Little Rogues easily become great Ones.
6166
He is a Governor that governs his Passions, and he a Servant that serves them.
6167
Prodigality of Time produces Poverty of Mind as well as of Estate.
6168
Nine men in ten are Suicides.
6169
You may sometimes be much in the Wrong, in owning your being in the Right.
6170
He that's content hath enough. He that complains has too much.
6171
Virtue may not always make a Face handsome, but Vice will certainly make it ugly.
6172
Let no Pleasure tempt thee, no Profit allure thee, no Ambition comipt thee, no Example sway thee, no Persuasion move thee, to do any thing which thou knowest to be evil; so shalt thou always live jollily; for a good Conscience is a continual Christmas. Adieu.
6173
Virtues, 1 of 13...
Temperance: Eat not to dullness. Drink not to elevation.
6174
Virtues, 2 of 13...
Silence: Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself. Avoid trifling conversation.
6175
Virtues, 3 of 13...
Order: Let all your things have their places. Let each part of your business have its time.
6176
Virtues, 4 of 13...
Resolution: Resolve to perform what you ought.. Perform without fail what you resolve.
6177
Virtues, 5 of 13...
Frugality: Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself, i.e., waste nothing.
6178
Virtues, 6 of 13...
Industry: Lose no time. Be always employed in something useful. Cut off all unnecessary actions.
6179
Virtues, 7 of 13...
Sincerity: Use no hurtful deceit. Think innocently and justly; if you speak, speak accordingly.
6180
Virtues, 8 of 13...
Justice: Wrong none by doing injuries or omitting the benefits that are your duty.
6181
Virtues, 9 of 13...
Moderation: Avoid extremes. Forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.
6182
Virtues, 10 of 13...
Cleanliness: Tolerate no ucleanliness in body, clothes, or habitation.
6183
Virtues, 11 of 13...
Tranquility: Be not disturbed at trifles or at accidents common or unavoidable.
6184
Virtues, 12 of 13...
Chastity: Rarely use venery but for health or offspring - never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another's peace or reputation.
6185
Virtues, 13 of 13...
Humility: Imitate Jesus and Socrates.
6186
"Dive deep, O mind, dive deep in the ocean of God's beauty! If you descend to the uttermost depths, there you will find the gem of love."
6187
"Do everything with so much love in your heart that you would never want to do it any other way."
6188
"Breathe in soil, ground. Human being walk, make alive..."
6189
"Civilization exists by geological consent, subject to change without notice."
6190
"The future keeps telling you what the past was about."
6191
"The question is not whether we will be extremists, but what kind of extremists we will be...The nation and the world are in dire need of creative extremists"
6192
"We pray for circumstance, deal with happenstance, and accept consequence."
6193
"Denial is a creative opportunity..."
6194
"No doubt the world is an imaginary world, but it is only once removed from the true world."
6195
"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."
6196
"Be really whole and all things will come to you."
6197
"A painting is never finished - it simply stops in interesting places."
6198
"Wisdom is to be crazy when circumstances warrant it."
6199
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
6200
"A quarrel between friends, when made up, adds a new tie to friendship."
6201
Things To Think About...
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
6202
Things To Think About...
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
6203
Things To Think About...
Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
6204
Things To Think About...
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
6205
Things To Think About...
Does killing time damage eternity?
6206
Things To Think About...
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
6207
Things To Think About...
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
6208
Things To Think About...
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
6209
Things To Think About...
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
6210
Things To Think About...
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
6211
Things To Think About...
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
6212
Things To Think About...
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
6213
Things To Think About...
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
6214
Things To Think About...
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
6215
Things To Think About...
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
6216
Things To Think About...
Do pilots take crash-courses?
6217
Things To Think About...
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
6218
Things To Think About...
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
6219
Things To Think About...
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
6220
Things To Think About...
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
6221
Things To Think About...
How can there be self-help "groups?"
6222
Things To Think About...
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
6223
Things To Think About...
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
6224
Things To Think About...
How many weeks are there in a light year?
6225
Things To Think About...
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
6226
Things To Think About...
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
6227
Things To Think About...
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
6228
Things To Think About...
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
6229
Things To Think About...
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
6230
Things To Think About...
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
6231
Things To Think About...
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
6232
Things To Think About...
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
6233
Things To Think About...
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
6234
Things To Think About...
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
6235
Things To Think About...
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
6236
Things To Think About...
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
6237
"Enlightenment must come little by little-otherwise it would overwhelm."
6238
"Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration."
6239
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
6240
If you can't poke fun & laff heartily (at/with/to) yourself, then for God's sake let someone else do it for you.
6241
Love is the irresistible desire to be desired irresistibly.
6242
If I love you, what business is it of yours?
6243
Love is something eternal; the aspect may change, but not the essence.
6244
Love is not blind -- it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less.
6245
Let the first impulse pass, wait for the second.
6246
The artist is not a different kind of person; but every person is a different kind of artist.
6247
When the well goes dry, you have to wait & let it refill itself.
6248
Self-denial is the shining sore on the leprous body of Christianity.
6249
If you go to a magic show, you don't want to see logic.
6250
Mediocre people are the most dangerous people in the world.
6251
I'd love to turn you on.
6252
Is not piety the illegitimate son of guilt?
6253
Well, yes, I did try marijuana one time but I didn't inhale.
6254
Art gives us the presence of the mystery without losing the mystery.
6255
Commitment is healthiest when it is not without doubt but in spite of doubt.
6256
No one ever discovers the depths of his own loneliness.
6257
You miss one hundred percent of the shots you dont take.
6258
Leadership is nature's way of removing morons from the productive flow.
6259
I would walk twenty miles to listen to my worst enemy if I could learn something.
6260
On stage I make love to twenty five thousand people; and then I go home alone.
6261
It is strange to be known so universally and yet to be so lonely.
6262
| Kids' answers about love... |
| What most people are thinking when they say "I love you": |
| The person is thinking: Yeah, "I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." |
6263
| Kids' answers about love... |
| What most people are thinking when they say "I love you": |
| "Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat." |
6264
| Kids' answers about love... |
| How do people in love typically behave? |
| "When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour." |
6265
| Kids' answers about love... |
| Concerning why love happens between two particular people: |
| "One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." |
6266
| Kids' answers about love... |
| Concerning why love happens between two particular people: |
| No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell ... That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular. |
6267
| Kids' answers about love... |
| Concerning why love happens between two particular people: |
| "I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." |
6268
| Kids' answers about love... |
| On what falling in love is like: |
| "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." |
6269
| Kids' answers about love... |
| On what falling in love is like: |
| "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." |
6270
| Kids' answers about love... |
| On the role of beauty and being handsome in love: |
| "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." |
6271
| Kids' answers about love... |
| On the role of beauty and being handsome in love: |
| "It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." |
6272
| Kids' answers about love... |
| On the role of beauty and being handsome in love: |
| "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." |
6273
| Kids' answers about love... |
| Reflections on the nature of love: |
| "Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." |
6274
| Kids' answers about love... |
| How do people in love typically behave? |
| "Mooshy...like puppy dogs...except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much." |
6275
| Kids' answers about love... |
| How do people in love typically behave? |
| "All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark." |
6276
| Kids' answers about love... |
| Concerning why lovers often hold hands: |
| "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." |
6277
| Kids' answers about love... |
| Concerning why lovers often hold hands: |
| "They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." |
6278
| Kids' answers about love... |
| Confidential opinions about love: |
| "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television." |
6279
| Kids' answers about love... |
| Confidential opinions about love: |
| "Love is foolish...but I still might try it sometime." |
6280
| Kids' answers about love... |
| Confidential opinions about love: |
| "Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place...We were behind a tree." |
6281
| Kids' answers about love... |
| Confidential opinions about love: |
| "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." |
6282
| Kids' answers about love... |
| Confidential opinions about love: |
| "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." |
6283
| Kids' answers about love... |
| The personal qualities you need to have in order to be a good lover... |
| "Sensitivity don't hurt." |
6284
| Kids' answers about love... |
| The personal qualities you need to have in order to be a good lover... |
| "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." |
6285
| Kids' answers about love... |
| Some surefire ways to make a person fall in love with you... |
| "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." |
6286
| Kids' answers about love... |
| Some surefire ways to make a person fall in love with you... |
| "Shake your hips and hope for the best." |
6287
| Kids' answers about love... |
| Some surefire ways to make a person fall in love with you... |
| "Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't worry if their parents are right there." |
6288
| Kids' answers about love... |
| Some surefire ways to make a person fall in love with you... |
| "Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." |
6289
| Kids' answers about love... |
| Some surefire ways to make a person fall in love with you... |
| "One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." |
6290
| Kids' answers about love... |
| How was kissing invented? |
| "I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." |
6291
| Kids' answers about love... |
| How a person learns to kiss: |
| "You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls." |
6292
| Kids' answers about love... |
| How a person learns to kiss: |
| "You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." |
6293
| Kids' answers about love... |
| How a person learns to kiss: |
| "It might help to watch soap operas all day." |
6294
| Kids' answers about love... |
| When is it OK to kiss someone? |
| "When they're rich." |
6295
| Kids' answers about love... |
| When is it OK to kiss someone? |
| "It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you ...That's why I stopped doing it." |
6296
| Kids' answers about love... |
| When is it OK to kiss someone? |
| "If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission." |
6297
| Kids' answers about love... |
| When is it OK to kiss someone? |
| "I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it, but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it." |
6298
| Kids' answers about love... |
| How to make love endure... |
| "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." |
6299
| Kids' answers about love... |
| How to make love endure... |
| "Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love." |
6300
| Kids' answers about love... |
| How to make love endure... |
| "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." |
6301
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
6302
I live in my own little world, but it's ok...they know me here.
6303
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said..."Implants?'"
6304
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.
6305
Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6306
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
6307
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
6308
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
6309
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
6310
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!!
6311
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
6312
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and s***head's.
6313
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
6314
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
6315
I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
6316
Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
6317
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
6318
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
6319
Welcome To S*** Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!
6320
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
6321
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
6322
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
6323
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
6324
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
6325
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
6326
The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
6327
Sixth grade history test answers...
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.
6328
Sixth grade history test answers...
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
6329
Sixth grade history test answers...
Ancient Egyptions lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
6330
Sixth grade history test answers...
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
6331
Sixth grade history test answers...
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
6332
Sixth grade history test answers...
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
6333
Sixth grade history test answers...
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history.
6334
Sixth grade history test answers...
The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
6335
Sixth grade history test answers...
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6336
Sixth grade history test answers...
In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
6337
Sixth grade history test answers...
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.
Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
6338
Sixth grade history test answers...
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
6339
Sixth grade history test answers...
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success.
When she exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah".
6340
Sixth grade history test answers...
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.
6341
Sixth grade history test answers...
Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
6342
Sixth grade history test answers...
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
6343
Sixth grade history test answers...
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
He was born in the year 1564, suppposedly on his birthday.
6344
Sixth grade history test answers...
William Shakespeare never made much money and is famous only because of his plays.
He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
6345
Sixth grade history test answers...
Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple.
Romeo's last wish to be laid by Juliet.
6346
Sixth grade history test answers...
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote.
6347
Sixth grade history test answers...
The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost.
Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
6348
Sixth grade history test answers...
Delegates from the original 13 states form the Contented Congress.
6349
Sixth grade history test answers...
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.
6350
Sixth grade history test answers...
Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."
6351
Sixth grade history test answers...
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
6352
Sixth grade history test answers...
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
6353
Sixth grade history test answers...
Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.
6354
Sixth grade history test answers...
Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
6355
Sixth grade history test answers...
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits.
6356
Sixth grade history test answers...
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
6357
Sixth grade history test answers...
Madman Curie discovered the radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
6358
Sixth grade history test answers...
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
6359
Sixth grade history test answers...
The nineteenth century was a time of great many thoughts and inventions.
People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine.
6360
Sixth grade history test answers...
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of hundred men.
6361
Sixth grade history test answers...
Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
6362
Sixth grade history test answers...
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.
6363
Sixth grade history test answers...
Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German and half English. He was very large.
6364
Sixth grade history test answers...
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.
6365
Sixth grade history test answers...
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
6366
Best Submissions For Noun Gender
SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
6367
Best Submissions For Noun Gender
KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
6368
Best Submissions For Noun Gender
TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.
6369
Best Submissions For Noun Gender
HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it...and, of course, there's the hot air part.
6370
Best Submissions For Noun Gender
SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
6371
Best Submissions For Noun Gender
WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.
6372
Best Submissions For Noun Gender
SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
6373
Best Submissions For Noun Gender
COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
6374
Best Submissions For Noun Gender
ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because even though they hold everything in you can always see right through them.
6375
Best Submissions For Noun Gender
SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
6376
Best Submissions For Noun Gender
HOURGLASS -- female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
6377
Best Submissions For Noun Gender
HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
6378
Best Submissions For Noun Gender
REMOTE CONTROL -- female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
6379
The world's largest desert, based on annual precipitation, is Antartica
6380
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
6381
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
6382
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
6383
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6384
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6385
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in... what happens to the other penny?
6386
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
6387
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
6388
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
6389
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
6390
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
6391
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
6392
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
6393
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
6394
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP
6395
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
6396
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
6397
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam.
6398
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
6399
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
6400
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
6401
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You answer the door before people knock.
6402
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
6403
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You ski uphill.
6404
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
6405
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You speed walk in your sleep.
6406
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
6407
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
6408
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
6409
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You sleep with your eyes open.
6410
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
6411
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
6412
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
6413
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You lick your coffeepot clean.
6414
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
6415
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
6416
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
6417
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
6418
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You chew on other people's fingernails.
6419
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
6420
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
6421
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
6422
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You can type sixty words per minute...with your feet.
6423
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You can jump-start your car without cables.
6424
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
All your kids are named "Joe".
6425
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
6426
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
6427
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You don't sweat, you percolate.
6428
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You buy ½ & ½ by the barrel.
6429
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
6430
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
6431
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
6432
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
6433
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
6434
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
6435
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
People get dizzy just watching you.
6436
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
6437
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
6438
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
Starbucks holds the mortgage on your house.
6439
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
6440
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
6441
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
People can test their batteries in your ears.
6442
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
6443
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
Instant coffee takes too long.
6444
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You channel surf faster without a remote.
6445
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
6446
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
6447
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
6448
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
6449
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
6450
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
6451
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
6452
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
6453
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You get drunk just so you can sober up.
6454
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
6455
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
Your Thermos is on wheels.
6456
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
6457
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
6458
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
6459
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You short out motion detectors.
6460
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You have a conniption over spilled milk.
6461
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
6462
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
6463
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
6464
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You don't tan, you roast.
6465
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You don't get mad, you get steamed.
6466
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before, coffee during and coffee after.
6467
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You can't even remember your second cup.
6468
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You help your dog chase its tail.
6469
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
6470
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
6471
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
6472
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
6473
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
6474
Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
6475
The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick of him.
6476
Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
6477
A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
6478
If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder.
6479
Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
6480
Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
6481
Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee.
6482
Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is married.
6483
Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman.
6484
There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could still use them.
6485
Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.
6486
Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.
6487
Men are like Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.
6488
Men are like Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.
6489
Men are like Department Stores.
Their clothes are always half off.
6490
Men are like Government Bonds.
They take so long to mature.
6491
Q: HOW DOES A MAN TAKE A BUBBLE BATH?
A: He eats beans for dinner.
6492
Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A MAN WITH AN IQ OF 50?
A: Gifted.
6493
Q - Why do little boys whine?
A - They're practicing to be men.
6494
Q - What do you call a handcuffed man?
A - Trustworthy.
6495
Q - Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A - Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
6496
Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares?
6497
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
6498
No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
6499
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
6500
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
6501
| Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of Life really are... |
| Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas. |
6502
| Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of Life really are... |
| You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape. |
6503
| Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of Life really are... |
| The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right." |
6504
| Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of Life really are... |
| Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. |
6505
| Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of Life really are... |
| When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm. |
6506
| Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of Life really are... |
| The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!" |
6507
| Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of Life really are... |
| If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them. |
6508
| Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of Life really are... |
| Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?' |
6509
| Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of Life really are... |
| Never pass up an opportunity to pee. |
6510
| Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of Life really are... |
| If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance! |
6511
| Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of Life really are... |
| Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you. |
6512
| Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of Life really are... |
| Work is good, but it's not that important. |
6513
| Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of Life really are... |
| Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan. |
6514
| Interesting Factoids... |
| It is impossible to lick your elbow. |
6515
| Interesting Factoids... |
| A crocodile can't stick it's tongue out. |
6516
Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination.
6517
| Interesting Factoids... |
| People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond. |
6518
| Interesting Factoids... |
| If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. if you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out. |
6519
| Interesting Factoids... |
| In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand (or attempted to do so...apart from Bones). |
6520
| Interesting Factoids... |
| It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky. |
6521
| Interesting Factoids... |
| A pregnant goldfish is called a twit. |
6522
| Interesting Factoids... |
| Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetic Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas. |
6523
| Interesting Factoids... |
| Rats and horses can't vomit. |
6524
| Interesting Factoids... |
| More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call. |
6525
| Interesting Factoids... |
| Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants. |
6526
| Interesting Factoids... |
| The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language. |
6527
| Interesting Factoids... |
| Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times. |
6528
| Interesting Factoids... |
| If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles? |
6529
| Interesting Factoids... |
| In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere. |
6530
| Interesting Factoids... |
| The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. |
6531
| Interesting Factoids... |
| Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. |
6532
| Interesting Factoids... |
| A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. |
6533
| Interesting Factoids... |
| 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks. |
6534
| Interesting Factoids... |
| In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders. |
6535
| Interesting Factoids... |
| Most lipstick contains fish scales. |
6536
| Interesting Factoids... |
| Cat's urine glows under a black-light. |
6537
| Interesting Factoids... |
| Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different |
6538
| Texas Wisdom... |
| Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco. |
6539
| Texas Wisdom... |
| Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. |
6540
| Texas Wisdom... |
| Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in. |
6541
| Texas Wisdom... |
| If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. |
6542
| Texas Wisdom... |
| If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. |
6543
| Texas Wisdom... |
| Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. |
6544
| Texas Wisdom... |
| There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works. |
6545
| Texas Wisdom... |
| If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. |
6546
| Texas Wisdom... |
| Don't squat with your spurs on. |
6547
| Texas Wisdom... |
| It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. |
6548
| Texas Wisdom... |
| Always drink upstream from the herd. |
6549
| Texas Wisdom... |
| Never miss a good chance to shut up. |
6550
| Texas Wisdom... |
| There are three kinds of people: The ones that learn by reading, the few who learn by observation, and the rest of them who have to touch the fire to see for themselves if it's really hot. |
6551
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
6552
Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards is NAIVE.
6553
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
6554
OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
6555
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?
6556
"Leave only footprints. Kill only time. Take only knowledge."
6557
"Art imitates nature and is therefore the grandchild of God."
6558
"Sitting silent and looking wise cannot be compared to drinking wine and making a racket."
6559
"Love doesn't grow on trees like apples in Eden. It's something you have to make. And you must use your imagination too."
6560
A nation or civilization that continues to produce soft-minded men purchases its own spiritual death on an installment plan.
6561
"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience."
6562
"Denial is a creative opportunity."
6563
"Airing one’s dirty linen never makes for a masterpiece."
6564
"Time is:
Too slow for those who wait,
Too swift for those who fear,
Too long for those who grieve,
Too short for those who rejoice,
But, for those who love; Time is not."
6565
"Love is as much of an object as an obsession, everybody wants it, everybody seeks it, but few ever achieve it, those who do will cherish it, be lost in it, and among all, never... never forget it".
6566
"Everything is a miracle. It is a miracle that one does not dissolve in one’s bath like a lump of sugar!"
6567
"Anyone with a memory must have tremendous humility"
6568
"I just want to live happily ever after every now and then."
6569
So tell me, why DID the Kamikaze pilots wear helmets anyway?
6570
Reality leaves a lot to the imagination.
6571
I used to think that everything was just being funny but now I don’t know. I mean, how can you tell?
6572
Humans aren’t much more than monkeys with car keys.
6573
Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.
6574
Yesterday is a canceled check: Forget it.
Tomorrow is a promissory note: Don't count on it.
6575
Today is ready cash: Use it!
6576
Though I’ve forgotten what I’ve set out to do, I’ll stand by my efforts regardless!
6577
Good taste is the enemy of creativity.
6578
May you be born in an important time.
6579
Subdue your appetites, my dears, and you've conquered human nature.
6580
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
6581
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
6582
Civilization is the distance man has placed between himself and his excreta.
6583
There is no fear in love; but perfect love drives out fear.
6584
Live Long, Be Creative and Never Be Afraid. Fear is the slow killer.
6585
To love is to place our happiness in the happiness of another.
6586
Just because I don't know what I,m talking about, it doesn't mean I am going to shut up.
6587
Work less, play more, dream always.
6588
Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that.
6589
Go to the truth beyond the mind. Love is the bridge.
6590
Heros are not giant statues against a red sky. They are people who say this is my community and it's my responsibility to make it better.
6591
Delusions of self-importance are usually harbingers of early senility.
6592
Quantitative analysis works wonders when all the assumptions are accurate and the variables selected are the right ones. This happens approximately once every million years.
6593
If you don't know where you are going, then it doesn't matter which road you take, does it?
6594
When a man has so far corrupted and prostituted the chastity of his mind as to subscribe his professional belief for to things he does not believe, he has prepared himself for the commision of every other crime.
6595
Information is the oxygen of the modern age. It seeps through the walls topped by barbed wire, it wafts across the electrified borders.
6596
We've arranged a civilization in which most crucial elements profoundly depend on science and technology. We have also arranged things so that almost no one understands science and technology. This is a prescription for disaster. We might get away with it for a while, but sooner or later this combustible mixture of ignorance and power is going to blow up in our faces.
6597
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I...I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.
6598
The best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them up.
6599
The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.
6600
To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.
6601
| Kid's answers... |
| The future of "I give" is "I take." |
6602
| Kid's answers... |
| The parts of speech are lungs and air. |
6603
| Kid's answers... |
| The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes. |
6604
| Kid's answers... |
| A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population. |
6605
| Kid's answers... |
| Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. |
6606
| Kid's answers... |
| (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water. |
6607
| Kid's answers... |
| A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot. |
6608
| Kid's answers... |
| The general direction of the Alps is straight up. |
6609
| Kid's answers... |
| A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator. |
6610
| Kid's answers... |
| Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris. |
6611
| Kid's answers... |
| The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums. |
6612
| Kid's answers... |
| The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom. |
6613
| Kid's answers... |
| We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk. |
6614
| Kid's answers... |
| One of the main causes of dust is janitors. |
6615
| Kid's answers... |
| One by-product of raising cattle is calves. |
6616
| Kid's answers... |
| To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat. |
6617
| Kid's answers... |
| The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. |
6618
| Kid's answers... |
| The climate is hottest next to the Creator. |
6619
| Kid's answers... |
| Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings. |
6620
| Kid's answers... |
| The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom. |
6621
| Kid's answers... |
| Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners. |
6622
| Kid's answers... |
| The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other. |
6623
| Kid's answers... |
| In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon. |
6624
| Kid's answers... |
| Iron was discovered because someone smelt it. |
6625
| Kid's answers... |
| In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah. |
6626
| Kid's answers... |
| A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter. |
6627
| Kid's answers about love... How can you tell if two adults eating dinner in a restaruant are in love? |
| Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love. |
6628
| Kid's answers about love... How can you tell if two adults eating dinner in a restaruant are in love? |
| Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold...Other people care more about the food. |
6629
| Kid's answers about love... How can you tell if two adults eating dinner in a restaruant are in love? |
| Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up. |
6630
| Kid's answers about love... How can you tell if two adults eating dinner in a restaruant are in love? |
| See if the man has lipstick on his face. |
6631
| Kid's answers about love... How can you tell if two adults eating dinner in a restaruant are in love? |
| It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are...on fire. |
6632
| Questions lawyers ask... |
| Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep he doesn't know about it until the next morning? |
6633
| Questions lawyers ask... |
| The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? |
6634
| Questions lawyers ask... |
| Were you present when your picture was taken? |
6635
| Questions lawyers ask... |
| Were you alone or by yourself? |
6636
| Questions lawyers ask... |
| Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war? |
6637
| Questions lawyers ask... |
| Did he kill you? |
6638
| Questions lawyers ask... |
| How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? |
6639
| Questions lawyers ask... |
| You were there until the time you left, is that true? |
6640
| Questions lawyers ask... |
| How many times have you committed suicide? |
6641
| Questions lawyers ask... |
| Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" A: "Yes." Q: "And what were you doing at that time?" |
6642
| Questions lawyers ask... |
| Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes." Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there any girls?" |
6643
| Questions lawyers ask... |
| Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes." Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?" |
6644
| Questions lawyers ask... |
| Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" A: "I went to Europe, Sir." Q: "And you took your new wife?" |
6645
| Questions lawyers ask... |
| Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By death." Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?" |
6646
| Questions lawyers ask... |
| Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was about medium height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a male, or a female?" |
6647
| Questions lawyers ask... |
| Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work." |
6648
| Questions lawyers ask... |
| Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people." |
6649
| Questions lawyers ask... |
| Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?" A: "Oral." |
6650
| Questions lawyers ask... |
| Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.." Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy." |
6651
| Questions lawyers ask... |
| Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?" A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel." |
6652
| Questions lawyers ask... |
| Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A: "I have been since early childhood." |
6653
| Questions lawyers ask... |
| Q: "Doctor,before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere." |
6654
| Forestry service comment cards... |
| A deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? |
6655
| Forestry service comment cards... |
| Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill. |
6656
| Forestry service comment cards... |
| I found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse. |
6657
| Forestry service comment cards... |
| The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals. |
6658
| Forestry service comment cards... |
| Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands. |
6659
| Forestry service comment cards... |
| Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights. |
6660
| Forestry service comment cards... |
| Need more signs to keep area pristine. |
6661
| Forestry service comment cards... |
| The places where trails do not exist are not well marked. |
6662
| Forestry service comment cards... |
| Too many rocks in the mountains. |
6663
| Forestry service comment cards... |
| Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests. |
6664
| Forestry service comment cards... |
| Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness. |
6665
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| Don't ask me, ask your mother. |
6666
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| Were you raised in a barn? |
6667
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| Close the door. |
6668
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| You didn't beat me. I let you win. |
6669
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| Big boys don't cry. |
6670
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| Don't worry. It's only blood. |
6671
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| Don't you know any normal boys? |
6672
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| Now you listen to ME, Buster! I'll play catch after I read the paper. |
6673
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| Coffee will stunt your growth. |
6674
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| A little dirt never hurt anyone, just wipe it off. |
6675
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| Get your elbows off the table. |
6676
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| I told you, keep your eye on the ball. |
6677
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| Who said life was supposed to be fair? |
6678
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| Always say please and thank you. That way, you get more. If you forget, you'll be grounded till the end of the world. |
6679
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| You call that a haircut? |
6680
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| "Hey" is for horses. |
6681
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you. |
6682
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| Turn off those lights. |
6683
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| Do you think I am made of money? |
6684
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| Don't give me any of your lip, young lady. |
6685
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| You call that noise "music"? |
6686
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| We're not lost. I'm just not sure where we are. |
6687
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| No, we're not there yet. |
6688
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| Shake it off. It's only pain. |
6689
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| When I was your age , I treated MY father with respect. |
6690
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| As long as you live under my roof, you'll live by my rules. |
6691
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| I'll tell you why. Because I said so. That's why. |
6692
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| Do what I say, not what I do. |
6693
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| Sit up straight! |
6694
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| So you think you're smart, do you? |
6695
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| What's so funny? Wipe that smile off your face. |
6696
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| Young ladies perspire, they do not sweat. |
6697
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times. |
6698
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| C'mon, you throw like a girl. |
6699
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| You want something to do? I'll give you something to do. |
6700
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| You should visit more often. Your mother worries. |
6701
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| This is your last warning. |
6702
|
Later Anglo-Saxon period England was divided into "shires", or counties.
The king's representative, who collected taxes on royal lands, was the "shire reeve". The sheriff. |
6703
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| I'm not sleeping, I was watching that channel.
|
6704
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| What keeps those jeans of yours from falling off? |
6705
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| I'm not just talking to hear my own voice! |
6706
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| Don't believe anything you hear and only half of what you see. |
6707
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| What do you think I am, a bank? |
6708
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| What part of NO don't you understand? |
6709
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| I don't care what other people are doing! I'm not everybody elses father! |
6710
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| You're not leaving my house dressed like that! What will other parents think? |
6711
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| Could those sleeves be any longer? You look like a bag lady! |
6712
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| Worrying about things you can't change is like a rocking chair... it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere. |
6713
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| Hurt much? I didn't feel a thing. |
6714
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| I feel for you, but I can't reach you from here. |
6715
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| If you're gonna be dumb, you've gotta be tough. |
6716
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| Didn't your teacher learn you anything?! |
6717
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| You can marry a rich guy just as easily as you can a poor guy. |
6718
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| It's hard to be good, and easy to be bad. |
6719
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| I got my tongue wrapped around my eye-tooth and couldn't see what I was saying. |
6720
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| Men are like buses. Just wait on the corner and another one will come along. |
6721
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| Don't tell on anybody unless you tell on yourself first. |
6722
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| Hey, did you hear me talking to you? |
6723
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| You know you're always gonna be Daddy's little girl. |
6724
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| I'm not watching television. I'm resting my eyes. |
6725
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| Don't use that tone with me! |
6726
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| Am I talking to a brick wall? |
6727
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| If I catch you doing that one more time, I'll... |
6728
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| Act your age. |
6729
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| Two wrongs do not make a right. |
6730
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| Wipe your feet! |
6731
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| Enough is enough! |
6732
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| Don't make me stop the car! |
6733
| Words from Dad's (have you said this?)... |
| What did I just get finished telling you? |
6734
Ever get the feeling your guardian angel is laughing?
6735
Fat (n.): The stuff in food that makes it taste good.
6736
Every time I lose weight, it finds me again.
6737
It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
6738
It's easier to get forgiveness after than permission before.
6739
When a true genius appears in this world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him.
6740
We want the facts to fit the preconceptions. When they don't, it is easier to ignore the facts than to change the preconceptions.
6741
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
6742
Nothing is as terrible to see as ignorance in action.
6743
While democracy must have its organizations and controls, its vital breath is individual liberty.
6744
Society attacks early when the individual is helpless.
6745
In framing a government which is to be administered by men over men the great difficulty lies in this: You must first enable the government to control the governed, and in the next place, oblige it to control itself.
6746
Nothing is more damaging to a state than that cunning men pass for wise.
6747
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
6748
Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some ordinance under which you can be booked.
6749
To live outside the law you must be honest.
6750
The savage bows down to idols of wood and stone: the civilized man to idols of flesh and blood.
6751
In times of tumult and discord bad men have the most power; mental and moral excellence require peace and quietness
6752
Under peaceful conditions the militant man attacks himself.
6753
Reverence for life affords me my fundamental principle of morality.
6754
There would be no society if living together depended upon understanding each other.
6755
Civilization is a limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
6756
If I die, I forgive you; if I live, we shall see...
6757
...the basic delusion that men may be governed and yet be free.
6758
The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.
6759
The thin and precarious crust of decency is all that separates any civilization, however impressive, from the hell of anarchy or systematic tyranny which lie in wait beneath the surface.
6760
Irony is the hygiene of the mind.
6761
Humor brings insight and tolerance. Irony brings a deeper and less friendly understanding.
6762
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
6763
Either you think--or else others have to think for you and take power from you, pervert and discipline your natural tastes, civilize and sterilize you
6764
Those who cannot think for themselves are emotionally unequipped to spend time alone.
6765
Children who know how to think for themselves spoil the harmony of the collective society which is coming where everyone is interdependent.
6766
Two and two are four . Sometimes, Winston. Sometimes they are five. Sometimes they are three. Sometimes they are all of them at once. You must try harder. It is not easy to become sane.
6767
Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.
6768
All philosophy lies in two words, sustain and abstain.
6769
A great step toward independence is a good humored stomach
6770
Mad; adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of thought, speech, and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence that they themselves are sane.
6771
The vast majority of human beings dislike and even dread all notions with which they are not familiar. Hence it comes about that at their first appearance innovators have always been derided as fools and madmen.
6772
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher regard those who think alike than those who think differently.
6773
Forgive him, for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature!
6774
To think is to differ
6775
Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do.
6776
Rough work, iconoclasm, but the only way to get at truth.
6777
To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
6778
| Love means the body, the soul, the life, the entire being. We feel love as we feel the warmth of our blood, we breathe love as we breathe air, we hold it in ourselves as we hold our thoughts. Nothing more exists for us. |
6779
| I've learned... |
| that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. |
6780
| I've learned... |
| that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. |
6781
| I've learned... |
| that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. |
6782
| I've learned... |
| that you shouldn't compare yourself to others; they are more screwed up than you think. |
6783
| I've learned... |
| that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished. |
6784
| I've learned... |
| that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place. |
6785
| I've learned... |
| that 99 percent of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it. |
6786
| I've learned... |
| to say "Screw'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages. |
6787
| I've learned... |
| that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. |
6788
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter? = Eskimo Pi
6789
2000 pounds of Chinese soup? = Won ton
6790
1 millionth of a mouthwash? = 1 microscope
6791
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement? = 1 bananosecond
6792
Weight an evangelist carries with God? = 1 billigram
6793
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour? = Knotfurlong
6794
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone? = 1 Rod Serling
6795
Half of a large intestine? = 1 semicolon
6796
1,000,000 aches? = 1 megahurtz
6797
Basic unit of laryngitis? = 1 hoarsepower
6798
Shortest distance between two jokes? = A straight line
6799
453.6 graham crackers? = 1 pound cake
6800
20% of American salt is used for deicing roads.
6801
| You know you're living in the modern world when... |
| You have 5 passwords, but can only remember one. |
6802
| You know you're living in the modern world when... |
| You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. |
6803
| You know you're living in the modern world when... |
| You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. |
6804
| You know you're living in the modern world when... |
| You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you. |
6805
| You know you're living in the modern world when... |
| Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses. |
6806
| You know you're living in the modern world when... |
| When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner. |
6807
| You know you're living in the modern world when... |
| When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line. |
6808
| You know you're living in the modern world when... |
| You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies. |
6809
| You know you're living in the modern world when... |
| Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro. |
6810
| You know you're living in the modern world when... |
| Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket. |
6811
| You know you're living in the modern world when... |
| You can only write on 'sticky pads'. |
6812
| You know you're living in the modern world when... |
| Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes. |
6813
| You know you're living in the modern world when... |
| Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job. This one is so true, it's scary. |
6814
| You know you're living in the modern world when... |
| Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards. |
6815
| You know you're living in the modern world when... |
| Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined. |
6816
| You know you're living in the modern world when... |
| Interviewees, despite not having relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary. |
6817
| You know you're living in the modern world when... |
| Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet. |
6818
| You know you're living in the modern world when... |
| Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers". |
6819
| You know you're living in the modern world when... |
| Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital. |
6820
| You know you're living in the modern world when... |
| Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up. |
6821
| You know you're living in the modern world when... |
| There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy. |
6822
| Politics... |
| Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. |
6823
| Politics... |
| We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. |
6824
| Politics... |
| A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. |
6825
| Politics... |
| A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. |
6826
| Politics... |
| (And, when I watch the changing demographics, it is clear I am the sheep in this equation.) |
6827
| Politics... |
| Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. |
6828
| Politics... |
| Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. |
6829
| Politics... |
| Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. |
6830
| Politics... |
| I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. |
6831
| Politics... |
| Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. |
6832
| Politics... |
| If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. |
6833
| Politics... |
| If you want government to intervene domestically, you're a liberal. If you want government to intervene overseas, you're a conservative. If you want government to intervene everywhere, you're a moderate. If you don't want government to intervene anywhere, you're an extremist. |
6834
| Politics... |
| In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. |
6835
| Politics... |
| Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you. |
6836
| Politics... |
| No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session. |
6837
| Politics... |
| Talk is cheap-except when Congress does it. |
6838
| Politics... |
| The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. |
6839
| Politics... |
| The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. |
6840
| Politics... |
| The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. |
6841
| Politics... |
| The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. |
6842
| Politics... |
| There is no distinctly native American criminal class save Congress. |
6843
| Politics... |
| There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences. |
6844
| Politics... |
| What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. |
6845
| Politics... |
| When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. |
6846
| Politics... |
| "It is a mistake to look too far ahead. Only one link in the chain of destiny can be handled at a time." |
6847
| Employer quotes... |
| "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done". |
6848
| Employer quotes... |
| "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you." [Employer Quotes, Humor, Quotes, Funny, Comedy (pixel.gif - 0.04 K)] |
6849
| Employer quotes... |
| The beatings will continue until morale improves. |
6850
| Employer quotes... |
| "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired." |
6851
| Employer quotes... |
| My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory. |
6852
| Employer quotes... |
| My Boss said to me " What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier. |
6853
| Employer quotes... |
| My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain. |
6854
| Employer quotes... |
| The Boss: He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE. |
6855
| Employer quotes... |
| Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it. |
6856
| Employer quotes... |
| " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!" |
6857
| Employer quotes... |
| HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions." |
6858
| Employer quotes... |
| Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes. |
6859
| Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'" |
6860
| "If art is to nourish the roots of our culture, society must set the artist free to follow his vision wherever it takes him ." |
6861
| "The foolish and the uneducated have little use for freedom." |
6862
| "It is a secret both in nature and state, that it is safer to change many things than one." |
6863
| "Nature loves a burst of energy." |
6864
| "Civilization exists by geological consent, subject to change without notice." |
6865
| "Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd." |
6866
| "The superfluous is very necessary." |
6867
| "You'll come to learn a great deal if you study the Insignificant in depth." |
6868
| "I'm a self-made man, but I think if I had it to do over again, I'd call in someone else." |
6869
| "How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then rest afterwards." |
6870
| " It is not what you know that gets you into trouble. It's what you think you know that isn't so!" |
6871
| "Great minds..discuss ideas. Average minds... discuss events. Small minds... discuss people ." |
6872
| "We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love, never so forlornly unhappy as when we have lost our love object or its love." |
6873
| "Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable." |
6874
| "Life IS pain...anyone who says differently is selling something" |
6875
| "Not everyone can be an orphan." |
6876
| "The earth laughs in flowers." |
6877
| "WARNING: Humor may be hazardous to your illness." |
6878
| "Clearly spoken, Mr. Fogg; you explain English by Greek." |
6879
| "Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things." |
6880
| "Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead." |
6881
| "How come dumb stuff seems so smart while you're doing it?" |
6882
| "I fear explanations explanatory of things explained." |
6883
| "I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter." |
6884
| "I'm so poor I can't even pay attention." |
6885
| "You're never too old to do goofy stuff." |
6886
| "Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out alive." |
6887
| "Dream as if you'll live forever, Live as if you'll die today." |
6888
| "Go away, I'm alright!" |
6889
| "I always knew that I'd look back at my tears and laugh, but I never thought that I'd look back at my laughter and cry." |
6890
| "In youth we learn; in age we understand." |
6891
| "Often the test of courage is not to die but to live." |
6892
| "Truth is stranger than fiction, but that may well be because we have made fiction to suit ourselves." |
6893
| When a man wants to murder a tiger he calls it sport; when the tiger wants to murder him he calls it ferocity. |
6894
| "Human beings were invented by water as a means of transporting itself from one place to another." |
6895
| "I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier." |
6896
| "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous." |
6897
| "You can't write a chord ugly enough to say what you want sometimes, so you have to rely on a giraffe filled with whipped cream." |
6898
| I looked into their eyes and do you know what I saw? The smell of death. |
6899
| "Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are." |
6900
| Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? " |
6901
6902
6903
6904
6905
6906
6907
6908
6909
6910
6911
6912
| I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather; not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. |
6913
6914
6915
6916
6917
6918
6919
6920
6921
6922
6923
6924
6925
6926
6927
| Finally 21, and Legally Able to do Everything I've been doing since I was 15. |
6928
6929
6930
6931
6932
6933
6934
6935
6936
6937
6938
6939
6940
6941
6942
6943
6944
6945
| My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't! |
6946
| HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. |
6947
Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.
6948
If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My butt.
6949
I Have The Body Of A God...Buddha
6950
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
6951
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
6952
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
6953
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
6954
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
6955
Illiterate? Write For Help.
6956
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
6957
Cover Me. I'm Changing Lanes.
6958
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
6959
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
6960
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
6961
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit.
6962
| If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over. (Seen upside down on a jeep) |
6963
Ax Me About Ebonics
6964
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
6965
Boldly Going Nowhere
6966
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed for 70 mph.
6967
Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
6968
Cat: The Other White Meat
6969
| If At First You Don't Succeed, Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling! |
6970
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde
6971
Money Isn't Everything, But Poverty Sucks!
6972
Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!
6973
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
6974
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6975
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
6976
So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.
6977
| Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends. |
6978
| How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down...Before He Admits He is lost? |
6979
I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
6980
A penny saved is a government oversight.
6981
He who hesitates is probably right.
6982
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
6983
Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
6984
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
6985
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
6986
| Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? |
6987
| I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. |
6988
| When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog that barks all the time, run to the end of his chain and gag himself. |
6989
| The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. |
6990
| The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. |
6991
| If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. |
6992
| The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. |
6993
| Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. |
6994
| Birthdays are good for you, the more you have, the longer you live. |
6995
| How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. |
6996
| Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them. |
6997
| If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet? |
6998
| You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. |
6999
| I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much. |
7000
| We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors...but they all have to learn to live in the same box. |