Quotes List
Quotes...The Seventh Thousand
From The Whole List
Start at 6001Start at 6101 Start at 6201Start at 6301
Start at 6401Start at 6501 Start at 6601Start at 6701
Start at 6801Start at 6901

6001
Plough deep while Sluggards sleep; and you shall have Corn to sell and to keep.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6002
Love well, whip well.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6003
Eat to live, and not live to eat.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6004
After three days men grow weary of a wench, a guest, and weather rainy.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6005
To lengthen thy Life, lessen thy Meals.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6006
The proof of gold is fire; the proof of woman, gold; the proof of man, a woman.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6007
Great talkers; little doers.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6008
Take counsel in Wine, but resolve afterwards in Water.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6009
He that drinks fast, pays slow.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6010
A full Belly is the Mother of all Evil.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6011
Great famine when Wolves eat Wolves.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6012
Wise Men learn by other's harms; Fools by their own.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6013
What maintains one Vice would bring up two Children.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6014
A quiet Conscience sleeps in Thunder, but Rest and Guilt live far asunder.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6015
He that won't be counsell'd, can't be help'd.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6016
Wink at small faults - remember thou hast great ones.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6017
Eat to please thyself, but dress to please others.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6018
When man and woman die,
 &ngsp;As poets sung
His heart's the last part moves,
  Her last, the tongue.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6019
Craft must be at charge for clothes, but Truth can go naked.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6020
Write Injuries in Dust, Benefits in Marble.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6021
Happy's the Wooing that's not long a doing.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6022
He that takes a Wife takes Care.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6023
Lawyers, Preachers, and Tomtit's Eggs, there are more of them hatched than come to perfection.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6024
Poverty wants some things, Luxury many things, Avarice all things.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6025
All things are cheap to the saving, dear to the wasteful.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6026
If you ride a Horse, sit close and tight, if you ride a Man, sit easy and light.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6027
Would you persuade, speak of interest, not of reason.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6028
Serving God is doing good to Man, but praying is thought an easier Service, and therefore more generally chosen.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6029
What is Serving God? 'Tis doing Good to Man.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6030
Cut the Wings of your Hens and Hopes, lest they lead you a weary Dance after them.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6031
Would you live with ease, do what you ought, not what you please.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6032
The Horse thinks one thing, and he that saddles him another.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6033
Love your Neighbour; yet don't pull down your Hedge.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6034
When Prosperity was well mounted, she let go the Bridle and soon came tumbling out of the Saddle.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6035
In the Affairs of this World Men are saved, not by Faith, but by the Want of it.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6036
Early to Bed and early to rise, makes a Man healthy, wealthy, and wise.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6037
A good Wife lost, is God's gift lost.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6038
He is ill clothed that is bare of Virtue.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6039
Friendship cannot live with Ceremony, nor without Civility.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6040
The learned Fool writes his Nonsense in better Language than the unlearned; but still 'tis Nonsense.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6041
Men and melons are hard to know.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6042
He's the best physician that knows the worthlessness of most medicines.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6043
Keep your Mouth wet, Feet dry.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6044
If you would reap Praise you must sow the Seeds, gentle Words and useful Deeds.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6045
Sudden Pow'r is apt to be insolent, sudden Liberty saucy; that behaves best which has grown gradually.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6046
Many have quarrel'd about Religion, that never practised it. If man could have Half his Wishes he would double his troubles.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6047
Success has ruin'd many a Man.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6048
The thrifty maxim of the wary Dutch, is to save all the money they can touch.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6049
Up, sluggard, and waste not life; in the Grave will be sleeping enough.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6050
It is better to take many Injuries, than to give one.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6051
Trust thyself, and another shall not betray thee.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6052
Haste makes Waste.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6053
To be humble to superiors is duty, to equals courtesy, to inferiors nobleness.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6054
An old young man will be a young old man.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6055
Sally laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6056
Diligence is the mother of good luck.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6057
Do not do that which you would not have known.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6058
God heals and the doctor takes the fee.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6059
If thou would'st live long, live well; for Folly and Wickedness shorten life.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6060
God works wonders now and then; Behold; a lawyer, an honest man.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6061
He that pays for work before it's done, has but a pennyworth for two pence.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6062
You may be more happy than Princes, if you will be more virtuous.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6063
Thou can'st not joke an Enemy into a Friend, but thou may'st a Friend into an Enemy.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6064
Anger is never without a Reason, but seldom with a good One.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6065
An ill Wound, but not an ill Name, may be healed.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6066
A lean Award is better than a fat Judgment.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6067
Drink does not drown Care, but waters it, and makes it grow faster.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6068
Eating sour Pickles won't kill your Appetite.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6069
Wish a Miser long life, and you wish him no good.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6070
God, Parents, and Instructors, can never be requited.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6071
Many Dishes, many Diseases.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6072
The Sting of a Reproach is the Truth of it.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6073
Light heel'd Mothers make leaden heel'd Daughters.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6074
Three may keep a secret if two of them are dead.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6075
He that resolves to mend hereafter, resolves not to mend now.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6076
When the well's dry, we know the worth of water.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6077
A good Wife & Health, is a Man's best Wealth.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6078
Virtue & Happiness are Mother & Daughter.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6079
He that whines for Glass without G, take away L and that's he.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6080
A quarrelsome Man has no good Neighbours.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6081
Many a Man would have been worse, if his Estate had been better.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6082
Nothing brings more Pain than too much Pleasure; nothing more bondage than too much Liberty, (or Libertinism).

-- Benjamin Franklin

6083
If you would not be forgotten, as soon as you are dead and rotten, either write things worth reading, or do things worth the writing.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6084
Sell not virtue to purchase wealth, nor liberty to purchase power.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6085
Don't throw stones at your neighbours', if your own Windows are glass.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6086
The Honey is sweet, but the Bee has a Sting.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6087
Keep your eyes wide open before Marriage, half shut afterwards.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6088
The excellency of Hogs is - fatness; of Men - virtue.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6089
Why does the blind man's Wife paint herself?

-- Benjamin Franklin

6090
He that sells upon Trust, loses many friends, and always wants money.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6091
Creditors have better memories than Debtors.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6092
Forewam'd, forearm'd.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6093
Many a Man thinks he is buying Pleasure, when he is really selling himself a Slave to it.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6094
There is no Man so bad but he secretly respects the Good.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6095
Great Talkers should be cropp'd, for they have no need of Ears.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6096
Pray don't burn my House to roast your Eggs.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6097
Fly Pleasures, and they'll follow you.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6098
Since thou art not sure of a Minute, throw not away an Hour.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6099
As we must account for every idle Word, so we must for every idle Silence.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6100
Time is an herb that cures all diseases.

-- Benjamin Franklin

To top of page

6101
If you do what you should not, you must hear what you would not.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6102
Never praise your Cyder or your Horse.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6103
He that can have Patience can have what he will.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6104
Now I have a Sheep and a Cow, every body bids me good-morrow.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6105
God helps them that help themselves.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6106
Good wives and good plantations are made by good Husbands.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6107
Poverty, poetry, and new titles of honour, make men ridiculous.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6108
He that scatters thorns, let him not go barefoot.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6109
Drunkenness, that worst of Evils, makes some men Fools, some Beasts, some Devils.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6110
Most People return small Favours, acknowledge middling ones, and repay great ones with Ingratitude.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6111
'Tis easier to suppress the first Desire, than to satisfy all that follow it.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6112
Don't judge of Men's Wealth or Piety, by their Sunday Appearances

-- Benjamin Franklin

6113
Work as if you were to live 100 years, Pray as if you were to die To-morrow.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6114
The Golden Age never was the present Age.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6115
The Wise and Brave dares own that he was wrong.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6116
To whom thy secret thou dost tell, to him thy freedom thou dost sell.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6117
For want of a Nail the Shoe is lost; for want of a Shoe the Horse is lost; for want of a Horse the Rider is lost.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6118
'Tis more noble to forgive, and more manly to despise, than to revenge an Injury.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6119
Meanness is the Parent of Insolence.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6120
If you'd have a servant that you like, serve yourself.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6121
Man, dally not with other Fo1ks' Women or Money.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6122
Is there anything men take more pains about than to make themselves unhappy?

-- Benjamin Franklin

6123
The rotten Apple spoils his Companion.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6124
I saw few die of hunger; of eating...100,000

-- Benjamin Franklin

6125
The sleeping Fox catches no poultry. Up! Up!

-- Benjamin Franklin

6126
Write with the learned, pronounce with the vulgar.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6127
An egg to-day is better than a hen to-morrow.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6128
Tell a miser he's rich, and a woman she's old, you'll get no Money of one, nor Kindness of t'other.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6129
The Proud hate Pride - in others.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6130
He that pursues two Hares at once, does not catch one and lets t'other go.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6131
Don't go to the Doctor with every distemper, nor to the Lawyer with every quarrel, nor to the Pot with every thirst.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6132
Friendship increases by visiting Friends, but by visiting seldom.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6133
If your Riches are yours, why don't you take them with you to t'other World?

-- Benjamin Franklin

6134
Cunning proceeds from Want of Capacity.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6135
What more valuable than Gold? Diamonds. Than Diamonds? Virtue.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6136
'Tis great Confidence in a Friend to tell him your Faults, greater to tell him his.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6137
Talking against Religion is unchaining a Tyger; the Beast let loose may worry his Deliverer.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6138
A Flatterer never seems absurd: The Flatter'd always takes his word.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6139
Great Estates may venture more; Little Boats must keep near Shore.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6140
You may be too cunning for one, but not for all.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6141
'Tis easier to prevent bad Habits than to break them.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6142
Let thy Child's first lesson be obedience, and the second will be what thou wilt.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6143
Rather go to bed supperless than run in debt for a Breakfast.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6144
Blessed is he that expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6145
Be at War with your Vices, at Peace with your Neighbours, and let every new-Year find you a better Man.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6146
Old Boys have their Playthings as well as young Ones; the Difference is only in the Price.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6147
Nothing dries sooner than a Tear.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6148
A Change of Fortune hurts a wise Man no more than a Change of the Moon.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6149
Mine is better than Ours.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6150
He that hath no Ill-Fortune will be troubled with Good.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6151
Where Sense is wanting, Everything is wanting.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6152
Dost thou love life? Then do not squander Time; for that's the Stuff Life is made of.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6153
When Knaves betray each other, one can scarce be blamed or the other pitied.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6154
Fools need Advice most, but only wise Men are the better for it.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6155
Silence is not always a Sign of Wisdom, but Babbling is ever a Folly.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6156
Friends are the true Sceptres of Princes.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6157
For Age and Want save while you may; No morning Sun lasts a whole Day.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6158
He that would travel much, should eat little.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6159
The hasty Bitch brings forth blind Puppies.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6160
Two dry Sticks will burn a green One.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6161
Praise little, dispraise less.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6162
You may give a Man an Office, but you cannot give him Discretion.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6163
A Child thinks 20 Shillings and 20 Years can scarce ever be spent.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6164
Willows are weak, but they bind the Faggot.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6165
Little Rogues easily become great Ones.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6166
He is a Governor that governs his Passions, and he a Servant that serves them.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6167
Prodigality of Time produces Poverty of Mind as well as of Estate.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6168
Nine men in ten are Suicides.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6169
You may sometimes be much in the Wrong, in owning your being in the Right.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6170
He that's content hath enough. He that complains has too much.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6171
Virtue may not always make a Face handsome, but Vice will certainly make it ugly.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6172
Let no Pleasure tempt thee, no Profit allure thee, no Ambition comipt thee, no Example sway thee, no Persuasion move thee, to do any thing which thou knowest to be evil; so shalt thou always live jollily; for a good Conscience is a continual Christmas. Adieu.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6173
Virtues, 1 of 13...
Temperance: Eat not to dullness. Drink not to elevation.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6174
Virtues, 2 of 13...
Silence: Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself. Avoid trifling conversation.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6175
Virtues, 3 of 13...
Order: Let all your things have their places. Let each part of your business have its time.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6176
Virtues, 4 of 13...
Resolution: Resolve to perform what you ought.. Perform without fail what you resolve.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6177
Virtues, 5 of 13...
Frugality: Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself, i.e., waste nothing.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6178
Virtues, 6 of 13...
Industry: Lose no time. Be always employed in something useful. Cut off all unnecessary actions.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6179
Virtues, 7 of 13...
Sincerity: Use no hurtful deceit. Think innocently and justly; if you speak, speak accordingly.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6180
Virtues, 8 of 13...
Justice: Wrong none by doing injuries or omitting the benefits that are your duty.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6181
Virtues, 9 of 13...
Moderation: Avoid extremes. Forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6182
Virtues, 10 of 13...
Cleanliness: Tolerate no ucleanliness in body, clothes, or habitation.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6183
Virtues, 11 of 13...
Tranquility: Be not disturbed at trifles or at accidents common or unavoidable.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6184
Virtues, 12 of 13...
Chastity: Rarely use venery but for health or offspring - never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another's peace or reputation.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6185
Virtues, 13 of 13...
Humility: Imitate Jesus and Socrates.

-- Benjamin Franklin

6186
"Dive deep, O mind, dive deep in the ocean of God's beauty! If you descend to the uttermost depths, there you will find the gem of love."

-- Bengali Hymn

6187
"Do everything with so much love in your heart that you would never want to do it any other way."

-- Yogi Desai

6188
"Breathe in soil, ground. Human being walk, make alive..."

-- Chinese proverb

6189
"Civilization exists by geological consent, subject to change without notice."

-- Will Durant

6190
"The future keeps telling you what the past was about."

-- Unknown

6191
"The question is not whether we will be extremists, but what kind of extremists we will be...The nation and the world are in dire need of creative extremists"

-- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

6192
"We pray for circumstance, deal with happenstance, and accept consequence."

-- Unknown

6193
"Denial is a creative opportunity..."

-- Unknown

6194
"No doubt the world is an imaginary world, but it is only once removed from the true world."

-- Isaac Bashevis Singer

6195
"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."

-- Unknown

6196
"Be really whole and all things will come to you."

-- Lao Tzu

6197
"A painting is never finished - it simply stops in interesting places."

-- Paul Gardner

6198
"Wisdom is to be crazy when circumstances warrant it."

-- Unknown

6199
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."

-- George W Bush

6200
"A quarrel between friends, when made up, adds a new tie to friendship."

-- St. Francis De Sales

To top of page

6201
Things To Think About...
How come wrong numbers are never busy?

-- Unknown

6202
Things To Think About...
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

-- Unknown

6203
Things To Think About...
Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

-- Unknown

6204
Things To Think About...
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

-- Unknown

6205
Things To Think About...
Does killing time damage eternity?

-- Unknown

6206
Things To Think About...
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

-- Unknown

6207
Things To Think About...
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

-- Unknown

6208
Things To Think About...
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

-- Unknown

6209
Things To Think About...
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

-- Unknown

6210
Things To Think About...
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

-- Unknown

6211
Things To Think About...
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

-- Unknown

6212
Things To Think About...
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

-- Unknown

6213
Things To Think About...
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

-- Unknown

6214
Things To Think About...
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

-- Unknown

6215
Things To Think About...
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

-- Unknown

6216
Things To Think About...
Do pilots take crash-courses?

-- Unknown

6217
Things To Think About...
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

-- Unknown

6218
Things To Think About...
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

-- Unknown

6219
Things To Think About...
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

-- Unknown

6220
Things To Think About...
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

-- Unknown

6221
Things To Think About...
How can there be self-help "groups?"

-- Unknown

6222
Things To Think About...
How do you get off a non-stop flight?

-- Unknown

6223
Things To Think About...
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

-- Unknown

6224
Things To Think About...
How many weeks are there in a light year?

-- Unknown

6225
Things To Think About...
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

-- Unknown

6226
Things To Think About...
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

-- Unknown

6227
Things To Think About...
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

-- Unknown

6228
Things To Think About...
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

-- Unknown

6229
Things To Think About...
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

-- Unknown

6230
Things To Think About...
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

-- Unknown

6231
Things To Think About...
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

-- Unknown

6232
Things To Think About...
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

-- Unknown

6233
Things To Think About...
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

-- Unknown

6234
Things To Think About...
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

-- Unknown

6235
Things To Think About...
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

-- Unknown

6236
Things To Think About...
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

-- Unknown

6237
"Enlightenment must come little by little-otherwise it would overwhelm."

-- Idries Shah

6238
"Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration."

-- Thomas Alva Edison

6239
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

-- Franklin Roosevelt

6240
If you can't poke fun & laff heartily (at/with/to) yourself, then for God's sake let someone else do it for you.

-- Al Toesax

6241
Love is the irresistible desire to be desired irresistibly.

-- Louis Ginsberg

6242
If I love you, what business is it of yours?

-- Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

6243
Love is something eternal; the aspect may change, but not the essence.

-- Vincent Van Gogh

6244
Love is not blind -- it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less.

-- Rabbi J. Gordon

6245
Let the first impulse pass, wait for the second.

-- Unknown

6246
The artist is not a different kind of person; but every person is a different kind of artist.

-- Unknown

6247
When the well goes dry, you have to wait & let it refill itself.

-- Roger Miller

6248
Self-denial is the shining sore on the leprous body of Christianity.

-- Oscar Wilde

6249
If you go to a magic show, you don't want to see logic.

-- Wille Nelson

6250
Mediocre people are the most dangerous people in the world.

-- Bill Cosby

6251
I'd love to turn you on.

-- John Lennon

6252
Is not piety the illegitimate son of guilt?

-- Unknown

6253
Well, yes, I did try marijuana one time but I didn't inhale.

-- Bubba Bill Clinton

6254
Art gives us the presence of the mystery without losing the mystery.

-- Thomas Moore

6255
Commitment is healthiest when it is not without doubt but in spite of doubt.

-- Unknown

6256
No one ever discovers the depths of his own loneliness.

-- Unknown

6257
You miss one hundred percent of the shots you dont take.

-- Wayne Gretzky

6258
Leadership is nature's way of removing morons from the productive flow.

-- Dilbert

6259
I would walk twenty miles to listen to my worst enemy if I could learn something.

-- Leibnitz

6260
On stage I make love to twenty five thousand people; and then I go home alone.

-- Janis Joplin

6261
It is strange to be known so universally and yet to be so lonely.

-- Albert Einstein

6262
Kids' answers about love...
What most people are thinking when they say "I love you":

 The person is thinking: Yeah, "I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day."

-- Michelle, age 9

6263
Kids' answers about love...
What most people are thinking when they say "I love you":

 "Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat."

-- Dick, age 7

6264
Kids' answers about love...
How do people in love typically behave?

 "When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour."

-- Wendy, age 8

6265
Kids' answers about love...
Concerning why love happens between two particular people:

 "One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too."

-- Andrew, age 6

6266
Kids' answers about love...
Concerning why love happens between two particular people:

 No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell ... That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular.

-- Mae, age 9

6267
Kids' answers about love...
Concerning why love happens between two particular people:

 "I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."

-- Manuel, age 8

6268
Kids' answers about love...
On what falling in love is like:

 "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."

-- John, age 9

6269
Kids' answers about love...
On what falling in love is like:

 "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long."

-- Glenn, age 7

6270
Kids' answers about love...
On the role of beauty and being handsome in love:

 "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."

-- Anita C., age 8

6271
Kids' answers about love...
On the role of beauty and being handsome in love:

 "It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."

-- Brian, age 7

6272
Kids' answers about love...
On the role of beauty and being handsome in love:

 "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."

-- Christine, age 9

6273
Kids' answers about love...
Reflections on the nature of love:

 "Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too."

-- Greg, age 8

6274
Kids' answers about love...
How do people in love typically behave?

 "Mooshy...like puppy dogs...except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much."

-- Arnold, age 10

6275
Kids' answers about love...
How do people in love typically behave?

 "All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark."

-- Sherm, age 8

6276
Kids' answers about love...
Concerning why lovers often hold hands:

 "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them."

-- Gavin, age 8

6277
Kids' answers about love...
Concerning why lovers often hold hands:

 "They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing."

-- John, age 9

6278
Kids' answers about love...
Confidential opinions about love:

 "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television."

-- Jill, age 6

6279
Kids' answers about love...
Confidential opinions about love:

 "Love is foolish...but I still might try it sometime."

-- Floyd, age 9

6280
Kids' answers about love...
Confidential opinions about love:

 "Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place...We were behind a tree."

-- Carey, age 7

6281
Kids' answers about love...
Confidential opinions about love:

 "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."

-- Dave, age 8

6282
Kids' answers about love...
Confidential opinions about love:

 "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."

-- Regina, age 10

6283
Kids' answers about love...
The personal qualities you need to have in order to be a good lover...

 "Sensitivity don't hurt."

-- Robbie, age 8

6284
Kids' answers about love...
The personal qualities you need to have in order to be a good lover...

 "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."

-- Ava, age 8

6285
Kids' answers about love...
Some surefire ways to make a person fall in love with you...

 "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."

-- Del, age 6

6286
Kids' answers about love...
Some surefire ways to make a person fall in love with you...

 "Shake your hips and hope for the best."

-- Camille, age 9

6287
Kids' answers about love...
Some surefire ways to make a person fall in love with you...

 "Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't worry if their parents are right there."

-- Manuel, age 8

6288
Kids' answers about love...
Some surefire ways to make a person fall in love with you...

 "Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."

-- Alonzo, age 9

6289
Kids' answers about love...
Some surefire ways to make a person fall in love with you...

 "One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."

-- Bart, age 9

6290
Kids' answers about love...
How was kissing invented?

 "I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses."

-- Gina, age 8

6291
Kids' answers about love...
How a person learns to kiss:

 "You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls."

-- Julia, age 7

6292
Kids' answers about love...
How a person learns to kiss:

 "You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you."

-- Brian, age 7

6293
Kids' answers about love...
How a person learns to kiss:

 "It might help to watch soap operas all day."

-- Carin, age 9

6294
Kids' answers about love...
When is it OK to kiss someone?

 "When they're rich."

-- Pam, age 7

6295
Kids' answers about love...
When is it OK to kiss someone?

 "It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you ...That's why I stopped doing it."

-- Tammy, age 7

6296
Kids' answers about love...
When is it OK to kiss someone?

 "If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission."

-- Roger, age 6

6297
Kids' answers about love...
When is it OK to kiss someone?

 "I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it, but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it."

-- Unknown

6298
Kids' answers about love...
How to make love endure...

 "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."

-- Dick, age 7

6299
Kids' answers about love...
How to make love endure...

 "Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love."

-- Erin, age 8

6300
Kids' answers about love...
How to make love endure...

 "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash."

-- Dave, age 8

To top of page

6301
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.

-- Unknown

6302
I live in my own little world, but it's ok...they know me here.

-- Unknown

6303
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said..."Implants?'"

-- Unknown

6304
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.

-- Unknown

6305
Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

-- Unknown

6306
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

-- Unknown

6307
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

-- Unknown

6308
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

-- Unknown

6309
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

-- Unknown

6310
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!!

-- Unknown

6311
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

-- Unknown

6312
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and s***head's.

-- Unknown

6313
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

-- Unknown

6314
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

-- Unknown

6315
I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

-- Unknown

6316
Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

-- Unknown

6317
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

-- Unknown

6318
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

-- Unknown

6319
Welcome To S*** Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!

-- Unknown

6320
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

-- Unknown

6321
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

-- Unknown

6322
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

-- Unknown

6323
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

-- Unknown

6324
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

-- Unknown

6325
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

-- Unknown

6326
The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

-- Unknown

6327
Sixth grade history test answers...
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.

-- Unknown

6328
Sixth grade history test answers...
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.

-- Unknown

6329
Sixth grade history test answers...
Ancient Egyptions lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

-- Unknown

6330
Sixth grade history test answers...
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.

-- Unknown

6331
Sixth grade history test answers...
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

-- Unknown

6332
Sixth grade history test answers...
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

-- Unknown

6333
Sixth grade history test answers...
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history.

-- Unknown

6334
Sixth grade history test answers...
The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

-- Unknown

6335
Sixth grade history test answers...
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

-- Unknown

6336
Sixth grade history test answers...
In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

-- Unknown

6337
Sixth grade history test answers...
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.
Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

-- Unknown

6338
Sixth grade history test answers...
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

-- Unknown

6339
Sixth grade history test answers...
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success.
When she exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah".

-- Unknown

6340
Sixth grade history test answers...
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.

-- Unknown

6341
Sixth grade history test answers...
Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

-- Unknown

6342
Sixth grade history test answers...
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

-- Unknown

6343
Sixth grade history test answers...
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
He was born in the year 1564, suppposedly on his birthday.

-- Unknown

6344
Sixth grade history test answers...
William Shakespeare never made much money and is famous only because of his plays.
He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

-- Unknown

6345
Sixth grade history test answers...
Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple.
Romeo's last wish to be laid by Juliet.

-- Unknown

6346
Sixth grade history test answers...
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote.

-- Unknown

6347
Sixth grade history test answers...
The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost.
Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

-- Unknown

6348
Sixth grade history test answers...
Delegates from the original 13 states form the Contented Congress.

-- Unknown

6349
Sixth grade history test answers...
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.

-- Unknown

6350
Sixth grade history test answers...
Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."

-- Unknown

6351
Sixth grade history test answers...
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

-- Unknown

6352
Sixth grade history test answers...
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.

-- Unknown

6353
Sixth grade history test answers...
Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.

-- Unknown

6354
Sixth grade history test answers...
Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.

-- Unknown

6355
Sixth grade history test answers...
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits.

-- Unknown

6356
Sixth grade history test answers...
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.

-- Unknown

6357
Sixth grade history test answers...
Madman Curie discovered the radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

-- Unknown

6358
Sixth grade history test answers...
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.

-- Unknown

6359
Sixth grade history test answers...
The nineteenth century was a time of great many thoughts and inventions.
People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine.

-- Unknown

6360
Sixth grade history test answers...
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of hundred men.

-- Unknown

6361
Sixth grade history test answers...
Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

-- Unknown

6362
Sixth grade history test answers...
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.

-- Unknown

6363
Sixth grade history test answers...
Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German and half English. He was very large.

-- Unknown

6364
Sixth grade history test answers...
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.

-- Unknown

6365
Sixth grade history test answers...
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

-- Unknown

6366
Best Submissions For Noun Gender
SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

-- Washington Post

6367
Best Submissions For Noun Gender
KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

-- Washington Post

6368
Best Submissions For Noun Gender
TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

-- Washington Post

6369
Best Submissions For Noun Gender
HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it...and, of course, there's the hot air part.

-- Washington Post

6370
Best Submissions For Noun Gender
SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

-- Washington Post

6371
Best Submissions For Noun Gender
WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.

-- Washington Post

6372
Best Submissions For Noun Gender
SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

-- Washington Post

6373
Best Submissions For Noun Gender
COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

-- Washington Post

6374
Best Submissions For Noun Gender
ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because even though they hold everything in you can always see right through them.

-- Washington Post

6375
Best Submissions For Noun Gender
SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

-- Washington Post

6376
Best Submissions For Noun Gender
HOURGLASS -- female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

-- Washington Post

6377
Best Submissions For Noun Gender
HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

-- Washington Post

6378
Best Submissions For Noun Gender
REMOTE CONTROL -- female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

-- Washington Post

6379
The world's largest desert, based on annual precipitation, is Antartica

-- Trivial Pursuit

6380
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

-- Unknown

6381
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

-- Unknown

6382
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

-- Unknown

6383
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

-- Unknown

6384
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

-- Unknown

6385
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in... what happens to the other penny?

-- Unknown

6386
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

-- Unknown

6387
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

-- Unknown

6388
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

-- Unknown

6389
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

-- Unknown

6390
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

-- Unknown

6391
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

-- Unknown

6392
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

-- Unknown

6393
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

-- Unknown

6394
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP

-- Unknown

6395
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

-- Unknown

6396
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

-- Unknown

6397
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam.

-- Unknown

6398
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

-- Unknown

6399
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

-- Unknown

6400
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

-- Unknown

To top of page

6401
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You answer the door before people knock.

-- Unknown

6402
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

-- Unknown

6403
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You ski uphill.

-- Unknown

6404
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

-- Unknown

6405
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You speed walk in your sleep.

-- Unknown

6406
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

-- Unknown

6407
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.

-- Unknown

6408
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

-- Unknown

6409
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You sleep with your eyes open.

-- Unknown

6410
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

-- Unknown

6411
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

-- Unknown

6412
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

-- Unknown

6413
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You lick your coffeepot clean.

-- Unknown

6414
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."

-- Unknown

6415
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.

-- Unknown

6416
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

-- Unknown

6417
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

-- Unknown

6418
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You chew on other people's fingernails.

-- Unknown

6419
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

-- Unknown

6420
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."

-- Unknown

6421
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

-- Unknown

6422
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You can type sixty words per minute...with your feet.

-- Unknown

6423
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You can jump-start your car without cables.

-- Unknown

6424
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
All your kids are named "Joe".

-- Unknown

6425
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You don't need a hammer to pound nails.

-- Unknown

6426
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."

-- Unknown

6427
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You don't sweat, you percolate.

-- Unknown

6428
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You buy Ĺ & Ĺ by the barrel.

-- Unknown

6429
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

-- Unknown

6430
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

-- Unknown

6431
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

-- Unknown

6432
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

-- Unknown

6433
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

-- Unknown

6434
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

-- Unknown

6435
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
People get dizzy just watching you.

-- Unknown

6436
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

-- Unknown

6437
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

-- Unknown

6438
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
Starbucks holds the mortgage on your house.

-- Unknown

6439
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

-- Unknown

6440
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.

-- Unknown

6441
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
People can test their batteries in your ears.

-- Unknown

6442
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.

-- Unknown

6443
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
Instant coffee takes too long.

-- Unknown

6444
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You channel surf faster without a remote.

-- Unknown

6445
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."

-- Unknown

6446
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.

-- Unknown

6447
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.

-- Unknown

6448
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

-- Unknown

6449
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.

-- Unknown

6450
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

-- Unknown

6451
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.

-- Unknown

6452
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."

-- Unknown

6453
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You get drunk just so you can sober up.

-- Unknown

6454
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.

-- Unknown

6455
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
Your Thermos is on wheels.

-- Unknown

6456
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

-- Unknown

6457
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

-- Unknown

6458
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

-- Unknown

6459
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You short out motion detectors.

-- Unknown

6460
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You have a conniption over spilled milk.

-- Unknown

6461
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

-- Unknown

6462
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

-- Unknown

6463
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.

-- Unknown

6464
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You don't tan, you roast.

-- Unknown

6465
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You don't get mad, you get steamed.

-- Unknown

6466
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before, coffee during and coffee after.

-- Unknown

6467
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You can't even remember your second cup.

-- Unknown

6468
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You help your dog chase its tail.

-- Unknown

6469
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

-- Unknown

6470
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.

-- Unknown

6471
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.

-- Unknown

6472
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

-- Unknown

6473
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

-- Unknown

6474
Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

-- Unknown

6475
The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick of him.

-- Unknown

6476
Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

-- Unknown

6477
A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

-- Unknown

6478
If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder.

-- Unknown

6479
Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.

-- Unknown

6480
Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

-- Unknown

6481
Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee.

-- Unknown

6482
Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is married.

-- Unknown

6483
Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman.

-- Unknown

6484
There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could still use them.

-- Unknown

6485
Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.

-- Unknown

6486
Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.

-- Unknown

6487
Men are like Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.

-- Unknown

6488
Men are like Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

-- Unknown

6489
Men are like Department Stores.
Their clothes are always half off.

-- Unknown

6490
Men are like Government Bonds.
They take so long to mature.

-- Unknown

6491
Q: HOW DOES A MAN TAKE A BUBBLE BATH?
A: He eats beans for dinner.

-- Unknown

6492
Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A MAN WITH AN IQ OF 50?
A: Gifted.

-- Unknown

6493
Q - Why do little boys whine?
A - They're practicing to be men.

-- Unknown

6494
Q - What do you call a handcuffed man?
A - Trustworthy.

-- Unknown

6495
Q - Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A - Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

-- Unknown

6496
Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares?

-- Unknown

6497
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

-- Unknown

6498
No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

-- Unknown

6499
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

-- Unknown

6500
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

-- Unknown

To top of page

6501
Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of Life really are...

 Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

-- Unknown

6502
Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of Life really are...

 You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

-- Unknown

6503
Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of Life really are...

 The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."

-- Unknown

6504
Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of Life really are...

 Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

-- Unknown

6505
Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of Life really are...

 When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

-- Unknown

6506
Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of Life really are...

 The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"

-- Unknown

6507
Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of Life really are...

 If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them.

-- Unknown

6508
Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of Life really are...

 Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'

-- Unknown

6509
Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of Life really are...

 Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

-- Unknown

6510
Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of Life really are...

 If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

-- Unknown

6511
Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of Life really are...

 Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

-- Unknown

6512
Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of Life really are...

 Work is good, but it's not that important.

-- Unknown

6513
Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of Life really are...

 Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

-- Unknown

6514
Interesting Factoids...

 It is impossible to lick your elbow.

-- Unknown

6515
Interesting Factoids...

 A crocodile can't stick it's tongue out.

-- Unknown

6516
Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination.

-- Unknown

6517
Interesting Factoids...

 People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.

-- Unknown

6518
Interesting Factoids...

 If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib.
If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can
rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck
and die. if you keep your eyes open by force,
they can pop out.

-- Unknown

6519
Interesting Factoids...

 In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period
of 80 years, no one reported a single case
where an ostrich buried its head in the sand
(or attempted to do so...apart from Bones).

-- Unknown

6520
Interesting Factoids...

 It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

-- Unknown

6521
Interesting Factoids...

 A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

-- Unknown

6522
Interesting Factoids...

 Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a
version of Alphabetic Spaghetti especially for
the German market that consisted solely of
little pasta swastikas.

-- Unknown

6523
Interesting Factoids...

 Rats and horses can't vomit.

-- Unknown

6524
Interesting Factoids...

 More than 50% of the people in the world have
never made or received a telephone call.

-- Unknown

6525
Interesting Factoids...

 Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.

-- Unknown

6526
Interesting Factoids...

 The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

-- Unknown

6527
Interesting Factoids...

 Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

-- Unknown

6528
Interesting Factoids...

 If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

-- Unknown

6529
Interesting Factoids...

 In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

-- Unknown

6530
Interesting Factoids...

 The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

-- Unknown

6531
Interesting Factoids...

 Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

-- Unknown

6532
Interesting Factoids...

 A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

-- Unknown

6533
Interesting Factoids...

 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.

-- Unknown

6534
Interesting Factoids...

 In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.

-- Unknown

6535
Interesting Factoids...

 Most lipstick contains fish scales.

-- Unknown

6536
Interesting Factoids...

 Cat's urine glows under a black-light.

-- Unknown

6537
Interesting Factoids...

 Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different

-- Unknown

6538
Texas Wisdom...

 Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.

-- Unknown

6539
Texas Wisdom...

 Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

-- Unknown

6540
Texas Wisdom...

 Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

-- Unknown

6541
Texas Wisdom...

 If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

-- Unknown

6542
Texas Wisdom...

 If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

-- Unknown

6543
Texas Wisdom...

 Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

-- Unknown

6544
Texas Wisdom...

 There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

-- Unknown

6545
Texas Wisdom...

 If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

-- Unknown

6546
Texas Wisdom...

 Don't squat with your spurs on.

-- Unknown

6547
Texas Wisdom...

 It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

-- Unknown

6548
Texas Wisdom...

 Always drink upstream from the herd.

-- Unknown

6549
Texas Wisdom...

 Never miss a good chance to shut up.

-- Unknown

6550
Texas Wisdom...

 There are three kinds of people: The ones that learn by reading, the few who learn by observation, and the rest of them who have to touch the fire to see for themselves if it's really hot.

-- Unknown

6551
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

-- Unknown

6552
Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards is NAIVE.

-- Unknown

6553
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

-- Unknown

6554
OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

-- Unknown

6555
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?

-- Unknown

6556
"Leave only footprints. Kill only time. Take only knowledge."

-- Unknown

6557
"Art imitates nature and is therefore the grandchild of God."

-- Dante

6558
"Sitting silent and looking wise cannot be compared to drinking wine and making a racket."

-- Manyoshu, 8th century Japanese poet

6559
"Love doesn't grow on trees like apples in Eden. It's something you have to make. And you must use your imagination too."

-- Joyce Cary

6560
A nation or civilization that continues to produce soft-minded men purchases its own spiritual death on an installment plan.

-- Martin Luther King, Jr.

6561
"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience."

-- Toby Hasbofreen

6562
"Denial is a creative opportunity."

-- Unknown

6563
"Airing oneís dirty linen never makes for a masterpiece."

-- Francois Truffaut

6564
"Time is:
Too slow for those who wait,
Too swift for those who fear,
Too long for those who grieve,
Too short for those who rejoice,
But, for those who love; Time is not."

-- Henry Van Dyke

6565
"Love is as much of an object as an obsession, everybody wants it, everybody seeks it, but few ever achieve it, those who do will cherish it, be lost in it, and among all, never... never forget it".

-- Curtis Judalet

6566
"Everything is a miracle. It is a miracle that one does not dissolve in oneís bath like a lump of sugar!"

-- Pablo Picasso

6567
"Anyone with a memory must have tremendous humility"

-- Unknown

6568
"I just want to live happily ever after every now and then."

-- Jimmy Buffett from the song Every Now & Then

6569
So tell me, why DID the Kamikaze pilots wear helmets anyway?

-- Unknown

6570
Reality leaves a lot to the imagination.

-- John Lennon

6571
I used to think that everything was just being funny but now I donít know. I mean, how can you tell?

-- Andy Warhol

6572
Humans arenít much more than monkeys with car keys.

-- Leena Tolo

6573
Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.

-- George Bernard Shaw

6574
Yesterday is a canceled check: Forget it.
Tomorrow is a promissory note: Don't count on it.

-- Unknown

6575
Today is ready cash: Use it!

-- Edwin C. Bliss

6576
Though Iíve forgotten what Iíve set out to do, Iíll stand by my efforts regardless!

-- Unknown

6577
Good taste is the enemy of creativity.

-- Pablo Picasso

6578
May you be born in an important time.

-- Confucius

6579
Subdue your appetites, my dears, and you've conquered human nature.

-- Charles Dickens

6580
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

-- Hunter S. Thompson

6581
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

-- W. C. Fields

6582
Civilization is the distance man has placed between himself and his excreta.

-- Brian Aldiss

6583
There is no fear in love; but perfect love drives out fear.

-- 1 John 4:18

6584
Live Long, Be Creative and Never Be Afraid. Fear is the slow killer.

-- Unknown

6585
To love is to place our happiness in the happiness of another.

-- Gottfried Wilhelm Von Leibniz

6586
Just because I don't know what I,m talking about, it doesn't mean I am going to shut up.

-- Unknown

6587
Work less, play more, dream always.

-- Rageboy

6588
Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that.

-- Unknown

6589
Go to the truth beyond the mind. Love is the bridge.

-- Stephen Levine

6590
Heros are not giant statues against a red sky. They are people who say this is my community and it's my responsibility to make it better.

-- Tom McCall

6591
Delusions of self-importance are usually harbingers of early senility.

-- Rageboy

6592
Quantitative analysis works wonders when all the assumptions are accurate and the variables selected are the right ones. This happens approximately once every million years.

-- Rageboy

6593
If you don't know where you are going, then it doesn't matter which road you take, does it?

-- Cheshire Cat in Alice in Wonderland

6594
When a man has so far corrupted and prostituted the chastity of his mind as to subscribe his professional belief for to things he does not believe, he has prepared himself for the commision of every other crime.

-- Thomas Paine

6595
Information is the oxygen of the modern age. It seeps through the walls topped by barbed wire, it wafts across the electrified borders.

-- Ronald Reagan

6596
We've arranged a civilization in which most crucial elements profoundly depend on science and technology. We have also arranged things so that almost no one understands science and technology. This is a prescription for disaster. We might get away with it for a while, but sooner or later this combustible mixture of ignorance and power is going to blow up in our faces.

-- Carl Sagan

6597
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I...I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.

-- Robert Frost

6598
The best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them up.

-- Dorothy Day

6599
The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.

-- Oscar Wilde

6600
To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.

-- Voltaire

To top of page

6601
Kid's answers...

 The future of "I give" is "I take."

-- Unknown

6602
Kid's answers...

 The parts of speech are lungs and air.

-- Unknown

6603
Kid's answers...

 The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

-- Unknown

6604
Kid's answers...

 A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

-- Unknown

6605
Kid's answers...

 Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

-- Unknown

6606
Kid's answers...

 (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.

-- Unknown

6607
Kid's answers...

 A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.

-- Unknown

6608
Kid's answers...

 The general direction of the Alps is straight up.

-- Unknown

6609
Kid's answers...

 A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.

-- Unknown

6610
Kid's answers...

 Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

-- Unknown

6611
Kid's answers...

 The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

-- Unknown

6612
Kid's answers...

 The spinal column is a long bunch of bones.
The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

-- Unknown

6613
Kid's answers...

 We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

-- Unknown

6614
Kid's answers...

 One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

-- Unknown

6615
Kid's answers...

 One by-product of raising cattle is calves.

-- Unknown

6616
Kid's answers...

 To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.

-- Unknown

6617
Kid's answers...

 The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

-- Unknown

6618
Kid's answers...

 The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

-- Unknown

6619
Kid's answers...

 Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.

-- Unknown

6620
Kid's answers...

 The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

-- Unknown

6621
Kid's answers...

 Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

-- Unknown

6622
Kid's answers...

 The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

-- Unknown

6623
Kid's answers...

 In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.

-- Unknown

6624
Kid's answers...

 Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

-- Unknown

6625
Kid's answers...

 In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

-- Unknown

6626
Kid's answers...

 A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.

-- Unknown

6627
Kid's answers about love...
How can you tell if two adults eating dinner in a restaruant are in love?

 Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love.

-- Bobby, age 9

6628
Kid's answers about love...
How can you tell if two adults eating dinner in a restaruant are in love?

 Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold...Other people care more about the food.

-- Bart, age 9

6629
Kid's answers about love...
How can you tell if two adults eating dinner in a restaruant are in love?

 Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up.

-- Sarah, age 9

6630
Kid's answers about love...
How can you tell if two adults eating dinner in a restaruant are in love?

 See if the man has lipstick on his face.

-- Sandra, age 7

6631
Kid's answers about love...
How can you tell if two adults eating dinner in a restaruant are in love?

 It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire.
They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are...on fire.

-- Christine, age 9

6632
Questions lawyers ask...

 Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

-- Unknown

6633
Questions lawyers ask...

 The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

-- Unknown

6634
Questions lawyers ask...

 Were you present when your picture was taken?

-- Unknown

6635
Questions lawyers ask...

 Were you alone or by yourself?

-- Unknown

6636
Questions lawyers ask...

 Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

-- Unknown

6637
Questions lawyers ask...

 Did he kill you?

-- Unknown

6638
Questions lawyers ask...

 How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

-- Unknown

6639
Questions lawyers ask...

 You were there until the time you left, is that true?

-- Unknown

6640
Questions lawyers ask...

 How many times have you committed suicide?

-- Unknown

6641
Questions lawyers ask...

 Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

-- Unknown

6642
Questions lawyers ask...

 Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

-- Unknown

6643
Questions lawyers ask...

 Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

-- Unknown

6644
Questions lawyers ask...

 Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

-- Unknown

6645
Questions lawyers ask...

 Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

-- Unknown

6646
Questions lawyers ask...

 Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

-- Unknown

6647
Questions lawyers ask...

 Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

-- Unknown

6648
Questions lawyers ask...

 Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

-- Unknown

6649
Questions lawyers ask...

 Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

-- Unknown

6650
Questions lawyers ask...

 Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

-- Unknown

6651
Questions lawyers ask...

 Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

-- Unknown

6652
Questions lawyers ask...

 Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."

-- Unknown

6653
Questions lawyers ask...

  Q: "Doctor,before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

-- Unknown

6654
Forestry service comment cards...

 A deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles.
Is there a way I can get reimbursed?

-- Unknown

6655
Forestry service comment cards...

 Trails need to be reconstructed.
Please avoid building trails that go uphill.

-- Unknown

6656
Forestry service comment cards...

 I found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.

-- Unknown

6657
Forestry service comment cards...

 The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake.
Please eradicate these annoying animals.

-- Unknown

6658
Forestry service comment cards...

 Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.

-- Unknown

6659
Forestry service comment cards...

 Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.

-- Unknown

6660
Forestry service comment cards...

 Need more signs to keep area pristine.

-- Unknown

6661
Forestry service comment cards...

 The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.

-- Unknown

6662
Forestry service comment cards...

 Too many rocks in the mountains.

-- Unknown

6663
Forestry service comment cards...

 Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs.
Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.

-- Unknown

6664
Forestry service comment cards...

 Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.

-- Unknown

6665
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 Don't ask me, ask your mother.

-- Unknown

6666
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 Were you raised in a barn?

-- Unknown

6667
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 Close the door.

-- Unknown

6668
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 You didn't beat me. I let you win.

-- Unknown

6669
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 Big boys don't cry.

-- Unknown

6670
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 Don't worry. It's only blood.

-- Unknown

6671
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 Don't you know any normal boys?

-- Unknown

6672
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 Now you listen to ME, Buster! I'll play catch after I read the paper.

-- Unknown

6673
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 Coffee will stunt your growth.

-- Unknown

6674
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 A little dirt never hurt anyone, just wipe it off.

-- Unknown

6675
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 Get your elbows off the table.

-- Unknown

6676
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 I told you, keep your eye on the ball.

-- Unknown

6677
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 Who said life was supposed to be fair?

-- Unknown

6678
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 Always say please and thank you. That way, you get more. If you forget, you'll be grounded till the end of the world.

-- Unknown

6679
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 You call that a haircut?

-- Unknown

6680
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 "Hey" is for horses.

-- Unknown

6681
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.

-- Unknown

6682
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 Turn off those lights.

-- Unknown

6683
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 Do you think I am made of money?

-- Unknown

6684
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 Don't give me any of your lip, young lady.

-- Unknown

6685
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 You call that noise "music"?

-- Unknown

6686
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 We're not lost. I'm just not sure where we are.

-- Unknown

6687
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 No, we're not there yet.

-- Unknown

6688
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 Shake it off. It's only pain.

-- Unknown

6689
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 When I was your age , I treated MY father with respect.

-- Unknown

6690
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 As long as you live under my roof, you'll live by my rules.

-- Unknown

6691
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 I'll tell you why. Because I said so. That's why.

-- Unknown

6692
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 Do what I say, not what I do.

-- Unknown

6693
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 Sit up straight!

-- Unknown

6694
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 So you think you're smart, do you?

-- Unknown

6695
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 What's so funny? Wipe that smile off your face.

-- Unknown

6696
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 Young ladies perspire, they do not sweat.

-- Unknown

6697
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times.

-- Unknown

6698
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 C'mon, you throw like a girl.

-- Unknown

6699
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 You want something to do? I'll give you something to do.

-- Unknown

6700
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 You should visit more often. Your mother worries.

-- Unknown

To top of page

6701
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 This is your last warning.

-- Unknown

6702
  Later Anglo-Saxon period England was divided into "shires", or counties.
The king's representative, who collected taxes on royal lands, was the "shire reeve".
The sheriff.

-- Unknown

6703
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

  I'm not sleeping, I was watching that channel.

-- Unknown

6704
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 What keeps those jeans of yours from falling off?

-- Unknown

6705
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 I'm not just talking to hear my own voice!

-- Unknown

6706
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 Don't believe anything you hear and only half of what you see.

-- Unknown

6707
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 What do you think I am, a bank?

-- Unknown

6708
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 What part of NO don't you understand?

-- Unknown

6709
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 I don't care what other people are doing! I'm not everybody elses father!

-- Unknown

6710
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 You're not leaving my house dressed like that! What will other parents think?

-- Unknown

6711
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 Could those sleeves be any longer? You look like a bag lady!

-- Unknown

6712
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 Worrying about things you can't change is like a rocking chair... it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.

-- Unknown

6713
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 Hurt much? I didn't feel a thing.

-- Unknown

6714
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 I feel for you, but I can't reach you from here.

-- Unknown

6715
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 If you're gonna be dumb, you've gotta be tough.

-- Unknown

6716
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 Didn't your teacher learn you anything?!

-- Unknown

6717
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 You can marry a rich guy just as easily as you can a poor guy.

-- Unknown

6718
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 It's hard to be good, and easy to be bad.

-- Unknown

6719
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 I got my tongue wrapped around my eye-tooth and couldn't see what I was saying.

-- Unknown

6720
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 Men are like buses. Just wait on the corner and another one will come along.

-- Unknown

6721
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 Don't tell on anybody unless you tell on yourself first.

-- Unknown

6722
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 Hey, did you hear me talking to you?

-- Unknown

6723
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 You know you're always gonna be Daddy's little girl.

-- Unknown

6724
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 I'm not watching television. I'm resting my eyes.

-- Unknown

6725
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 Don't use that tone with me!

-- Unknown

6726
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 Am I talking to a brick wall?

-- Unknown

6727
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 If I catch you doing that one more time, I'll...

-- Unknown

6728
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 Act your age.

-- Unknown

6729
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 Two wrongs do not make a right.

-- Unknown

6730
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 Wipe your feet!

-- Unknown

6731
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 Enough is enough!

-- Unknown

6732
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 Don't make me stop the car!

-- Unknown

6733
Words from Dad's (have you said this?)...

 What did I just get finished telling you?

-- Unknown

6734
Ever get the feeling your guardian angel is laughing?

-- Unknown

6735
Fat (n.): The stuff in food that makes it taste good.

-- Unknown

6736
Every time I lose weight, it finds me again.

-- Unknown

6737
It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.

-- Grace Murray Hopper, Admiral, U.S. Navy

6738
It's easier to get forgiveness after than permission before.

-- Raul Tupenalo

6739
When a true genius appears in this world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him.

-- Jonathan Swift

6740
We want the facts to fit the preconceptions. When they don't, it is easier to ignore the facts than to change the preconceptions.

-- Jassamyn West

6741
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

-- Winston Churchill

6742
Nothing is as terrible to see as ignorance in action.

-- Goethe

6743
While democracy must have its organizations and controls, its vital breath is individual liberty.

-- Charles Evans Hughes, US Supreme Court Justice

6744
Society attacks early when the individual is helpless.

-- B. F. Skinner

6745
In framing a government which is to be administered by men over men the great difficulty lies in this: You must first enable the government to control the governed, and in the next place, oblige it to control itself.

-- Alexander Hamilton

6746
Nothing is more damaging to a state than that cunning men pass for wise.

-- Francis Bacon

6747
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

-- Voltaire

6748
Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some ordinance under which you can be booked.

-- Robert D. Sprecht

6749
To live outside the law you must be honest.

-- Bob Dylan

6750
The savage bows down to idols of wood and stone: the civilized man to idols of flesh and blood.

-- George Bernard Shaw

6751
In times of tumult and discord bad men have the most power; mental and moral excellence require peace and quietness

-- Tacitus

6752
Under peaceful conditions the militant man attacks himself.

-- Friedrich Nietzsche

6753
Reverence for life affords me my fundamental principle of morality.

-- Albert Schweitzer

6754
There would be no society if living together depended upon understanding each other.

-- Eric Hoffer

6755
Civilization is a limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.

-- Mark Twain

6756
If I die, I forgive you; if I live, we shall see...

-- Spanish Proverb

6757
...the basic delusion that men may be governed and yet be free.

-- Mencken

6758
The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.

-- F. Scott Fitzgerald

6759
The thin and precarious crust of decency is all that separates any civilization, however impressive, from the hell of anarchy or systematic tyranny which lie in wait beneath the surface.

-- Aldous Huxley

6760
Irony is the hygiene of the mind.

-- Elizabeth Bibesco

6761
Humor brings insight and tolerance. Irony brings a deeper and less friendly understanding.

-- Agnes Repplier

6762
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

-- William James

6763
Either you think--or else others have to think for you and take power from you, pervert and discipline your natural tastes, civilize and sterilize you

-- F. Scott Fitzgerald

6764
Those who cannot think for themselves are emotionally unequipped to spend time alone.

-- Unknown

6765
Children who know how to think for themselves spoil the harmony of the collective society which is coming where everyone is interdependent.

-- John Dewey

6766
Two and two are four . Sometimes, Winston. Sometimes they are five. Sometimes they are three. Sometimes they are all of them at once. You must try harder. It is not easy to become sane.

-- George Orwell, 1984

6767
Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.

-- Joan Crawford

6768
All philosophy lies in two words, sustain and abstain.

-- Epictetus

6769
A great step toward independence is a good humored stomach

-- Seneca

6770
Mad; adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of thought, speech, and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence that they themselves are sane.

-- Ambrose Bierce

6771
The vast majority of human beings dislike and even dread all notions with which they are not familiar. Hence it comes about that at their first appearance innovators have always been derided as fools and madmen.

-- Aldous Huxley

6772
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher regard those who think alike than those who think differently.

-- Nietzsche

6773
Forgive him, for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature!

-- George Bernard Shaw

6774
To think is to differ

-- Clarence Darrow

6775
Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do.

-- Bertrand Russell

6776
Rough work, iconoclasm, but the only way to get at truth.

-- Oliver Wendell Holmes

6777
To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.

-- e. e. cummings

6778
 Love means the body, the soul, the life, the entire being. We feel love as we feel the warmth of our blood, we breathe love as we breathe air, we hold it in ourselves as we hold our thoughts. Nothing more exists for us.

-- Guy De Maupassant

6779
I've learned...

 that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

-- Unknown

6780
I've learned...

 that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

-- Unknown

6781
I've learned...

 that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

-- Unknown

6782
I've learned...

 that you shouldn't compare yourself to others; they are more screwed up than you think.

-- Unknown

6783
I've learned...

 that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

-- Unknown

6784
I've learned...

 that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

-- Unknown

6785
I've learned...

 that 99 percent of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

-- Unknown

6786
I've learned...

 to say "Screw'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

-- Unknown

6787
I've learned...

 that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

-- Unknown

6788
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter? = Eskimo Pi

-- Unknown

6789
2000 pounds of Chinese soup? = Won ton

-- Unknown

6790
1 millionth of a mouthwash? = 1 microscope

-- Unknown

6791
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement? = 1 bananosecond

-- Unknown

6792
Weight an evangelist carries with God? = 1 billigram

-- Unknown

6793
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour? = Knotfurlong

-- Unknown

6794
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone? = 1 Rod Serling

-- Unknown

6795
Half of a large intestine? = 1 semicolon

-- Unknown

6796
1,000,000 aches? = 1 megahurtz

-- Unknown

6797
Basic unit of laryngitis? = 1 hoarsepower

-- Unknown

6798
Shortest distance between two jokes? = A straight line

-- Unknown

6799
453.6 graham crackers? = 1 pound cake

-- Unknown

6800
20% of American salt is used for deicing roads.

-- The History Channel

To top of page

6801
You know you're living in the modern world when...

 You have 5 passwords, but can only remember one.

-- Unknown

6802
You know you're living in the modern world when...

 You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

-- Unknown

6803
You know you're living in the modern world when...

 You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

-- Unknown

6804
You know you're living in the modern world when...

 You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.

-- Unknown

6805
You know you're living in the modern world when...

 Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

-- Unknown

6806
You know you're living in the modern world when...

 When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

-- Unknown

6807
You know you're living in the modern world when...

 When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.

-- Unknown

6808
You know you're living in the modern world when...

 You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

-- Unknown

6809
You know you're living in the modern world when...

 Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

-- Unknown

6810
You know you're living in the modern world when...

 Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

-- Unknown

6811
You know you're living in the modern world when...

 You can only write on 'sticky pads'.

-- Unknown

6812
You know you're living in the modern world when...

 Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.

-- Unknown

6813
You know you're living in the modern world when...

 Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job. This one is so true, it's scary.

-- Unknown

6814
You know you're living in the modern world when...

 Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

-- Unknown

6815
You know you're living in the modern world when...

 Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.

-- Unknown

6816
You know you're living in the modern world when...

 Interviewees, despite not having relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.

-- Unknown

6817
You know you're living in the modern world when...

 Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.

-- Unknown

6818
You know you're living in the modern world when...

 Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".

-- Unknown

6819
You know you're living in the modern world when...

 Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.

-- Unknown

6820
You know you're living in the modern world when...

 Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.

-- Unknown

6821
You know you're living in the modern world when...

 There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.

-- Unknown

6822
Politics...

 Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

-- Mark Twain

6823
Politics...

 We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.

-- Winston Churchill

6824
Politics...

 A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

-- George Bernard Shaw

6825
Politics...

 A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.

-- G. Gordon Liddy

6826
Politics...

 (And, when I watch the changing demographics, it is clear I am the sheep in this equation.)

-- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

6827
Politics...

 Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

-- Douglas Casey, Classmate of W.J.Clinton at Georgetown U. (1992)

6828
Politics...

 Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

6829
Politics...

 Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.

-- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

6830
Politics...

 I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

-- Will Rogers

6831
Politics...

 Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:
If it moves, tax it.
If it keeps moving, regulate it.
And if it stops moving, subsidize it.

-- Ronald Reagan (1986)

6832
Politics...

 If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.

-- P.J. O'Rourke

6833
Politics...

 If you want government to intervene domestically, you're a liberal. If you want government to intervene overseas, you're a conservative. If you want government to intervene everywhere, you're a moderate. If you don't want government to intervene anywhere, you're an extremist.

-- Joseph Sobran, Editor of the National Review at one time (1995)

6834
Politics...

 In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.

-- Voltaire (1764)

6835
Politics...

 Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you.

-- Pericles (430 B.C.)

6836
Politics...

 No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.

-- Mark Twain (1866)

6837
Politics...

 Talk is cheap-except when Congress does it.

-- Unknown

6838
Politics...

 The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.

-- Ronald Reagan

6839
Politics...

 The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings.
The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.

-- Winston Churchill

6840
Politics...

 The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

-- Mark Twain

6841
Politics...

 The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

-- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

6842
Politics...

 There is no distinctly native American criminal class save Congress.

-- Mark Twain

6843
Politics...

 There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.

-- P.J. O'Rourke (1993)

6844
Politics...

 What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.

-- Edward Langley, Artist 1928-1995

6845
Politics...

 When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.

-- P.J. O'Rourke

6846
Politics...

 "It is a mistake to look too far ahead. Only one link in the chain of destiny can be handled at a time."

-- Winston Churchill

6847
Employer quotes...

 "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".

-- Unknown

6848
Employer quotes...

 "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you." [Employer Quotes, Humor, Quotes, Funny, Comedy (pixel.gif - 0.04 K)]

-- Unknown

6849
Employer quotes...

 The beatings will continue until morale improves.

-- Unknown

6850
Employer quotes...

 "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."

-- Unknown

6851
Employer quotes...

 My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.

-- Unknown

6852
Employer quotes...

 My Boss said to me " What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.

-- Unknown

6853
Employer quotes...

 My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.

-- Unknown

6854
Employer quotes...

 The Boss: He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.

-- Unknown

6855
Employer quotes...

 Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.

-- Unknown

6856
Employer quotes...

 " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"

-- Unknown

6857
Employer quotes...

 HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."

-- Unknown

6858
Employer quotes...

 Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.

-- Unknown

6859
 Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"

-- Unknown

6860
 "If art is to nourish the roots of our culture, society must set the artist free to follow his vision wherever it takes him ."

-- John F. Kennedy

6861
 "The foolish and the uneducated have little use for freedom."

-- Unknown

6862
 "It is a secret both in nature and state, that it is safer to change many things than one."

-- Francis Bacon

6863
 "Nature loves a burst of energy."

-- Unknown

6864
 "Civilization exists by geological consent, subject to change without notice."

-- Will Durant

6865
 "Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd."

-- Voltaire

6866
 "The superfluous is very necessary."

-- Voltaire

6867
 "You'll come to learn a great deal if you study the Insignificant in depth."

-- Odysseus

6868
 "I'm a self-made man, but I think if I had it to do over again, I'd call in someone else."

-- Roland Young

6869
 "How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then rest afterwards."

-- Spanish Proverb

6870
 " It is not what you know that gets you into trouble. It's what you think you know that isn't so!"

-- Rhomburg Rabbit

6871
 "Great minds..discuss ideas. Average minds... discuss events. Small minds... discuss people ."

-- Solly Ensczekroe

6872
 "We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love, never so forlornly unhappy as when we have lost our love object or its love."

-- Sigmund Freud

6873
 "Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable."

-- Ambrose Bierce

6874
 "Life IS pain...anyone who says differently is selling something"

-- Westley in The Princess Bride

6875
 "Not everyone can be an orphan."

-- Andre Gide

6876
 "The earth laughs in flowers."

-- e.e. cummings

6877
 "WARNING: Humor may be hazardous to your illness."

-- Ellie Katz

6878
 "Clearly spoken, Mr. Fogg; you explain English by Greek."

-- Benjamin Franklin

6879
 "Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things."

-- Toby Frogpants

6880
 "Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead."

-- Joshua Warner

6881
 "How come dumb stuff seems so smart while you're doing it?"

-- Dennis the Menace

6882
 "I fear explanations explanatory of things explained."

-- Abraham Lincoln

6883
 "I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter."

-- Clutch Cargo

6884
 "I'm so poor I can't even pay attention."

-- Bozo the Clown

6885
 "You're never too old to do goofy stuff."

-- Unknown

6886
 "Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out alive."

-- Elbert Hubbard

6887
 "Dream as if you'll live forever, Live as if you'll die today."

-- James Dean

6888
 "Go away, I'm alright!"

-- Last words of H. G. Wells

6889
 "I always knew that I'd look back at my tears and laugh, but I never thought that I'd look back at my laughter and cry."

-- Unknown

6890
 "In youth we learn; in age we understand."

-- Von Ebner-Eschenbach

6891
 "Often the test of courage is not to die but to live."

-- Vittorio Alfieri

6892
 "Truth is stranger than fiction, but that may well be because we have made fiction to suit ourselves."

-- G. K. Chesterton

6893
 When a man wants to murder a tiger he calls it sport; when the tiger wants to murder him he calls it ferocity.

-- George Bernard Shaw

6894
 "Human beings were invented by water as a means of transporting itself from one place to another."

-- Tom Robbins

6895
 "I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier."

-- Unknown

6896
 "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."

-- Captain Hook

6897
 "You can't write a chord ugly enough to say what you want sometimes, so you have to rely on a giraffe filled with whipped cream."

-- Frank Zappa

6898
 I looked into their eyes and do you know what I saw? The smell of death.

-- Cliff Clavin

6899
 "Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are."

-- Unknown

6900
 Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? "

-- Unknown

To top of page

6901

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

-- Unknown

6902

I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

-- Unknown

6903

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

-- Unknown

6904

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

-- Unknown

6905

Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out alive.

-- Unknown

6906

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

-- Unknown

6907

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

-- Unknown

6908

Earth: The insane asylum for the universe.

-- Unknown

6909

I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.

-- Unknown

6910

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

-- Unknown

6911

I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

-- Unknown

6912
 I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather; not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

-- Unknown

6913

God must love stupid people; He made so many of them.

-- Unknown

6914

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

-- Unknown

6915

It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.

-- Unknown

6916

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

-- Unknown

6917

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

-- Unknown

6918

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

-- Unknown

6919

Beer: The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!

-- Unknown

6920

That's It! I'm Calling Nana!

-- Seen on an 8-year old's shirt.

6921

Wrinkled.... Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up

-- Unknown

6922

Procrastinate. Now!

-- Unknown

6923

Rehab...Is for Quitters

-- Unknown

6924

My Dog.... Can Lick Anyone

-- Unknown

6925

I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?

-- Unknown

6926

Party - My Crib - Two A.M. (On a baby-size shirt)

-- Unknown

6927
 Finally 21, and Legally Able to do Everything I've been doing since I was 15.

-- Unknown

6928

Arkansas: One Million People and 15 last names

-- Unknown

6929

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.

-- Unknown

6930

I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN

-- Unknown

6931

A hangover is the wrath of grapes

-- Unknown

6932

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

-- Unknown

6933

STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!

-- Unknown

6934

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken

-- Unknown

6935

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead

-- Unknown

6936

Time is fun when you're having flies...

-- Kermit the Frog

6937

POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ... Cops have nothing to go on.

-- Unknown

6938

FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.

-- Unknown

6939

HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH

-- Unknown

6940

WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years.

-- Unknown

6941

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

-- Unknown

6942

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
Or, was it a Colt?

-- Unknown

6943

MOP AND GLOW - The Floor Wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.

-- Unknown

6944

NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room spinning-medicine.

-- Unknown

6945
 My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!

-- Unknown

6946
 HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

-- Unknown

6947
Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.

-- A Bumper Sticker

6948
If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My butt.

-- A Bumper Sticker

6949
I Have The Body Of A God...Buddha

-- A Bumper Sticker

6950
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

-- A Bumper Sticker

6951
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

-- A Bumper Sticker

6952
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

-- A Bumper Sticker

6953
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?

-- A Bumper Sticker

6954
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

-- A Bumper Sticker

6955
Illiterate? Write For Help.

-- A Bumper Sticker

6956
Honk If Anything Falls Off.

-- A Bumper Sticker

6957
Cover Me. I'm Changing Lanes.

-- A Bumper Sticker

6958
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

-- A Bumper Sticker

6959
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

-- A Bumper Sticker

6960
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

-- A Bumper Sticker

6961
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit.

-- A Bumper Sticker

6962
 If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over. (Seen upside down on a jeep)

-- A Bumper Sticker

6963
Ax Me About Ebonics

-- A Bumper Sticker

6964
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel

-- A Bumper Sticker

6965
Boldly Going Nowhere

-- A Bumper Sticker

6966
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed for 70 mph.

-- A Bumper Sticker

6967
Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

-- A Bumper Sticker

6968
Cat: The Other White Meat

-- A Bumper Sticker

6969
 If At First You Don't Succeed, Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling!

-- A Bumper Sticker

6970
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde

-- A Bumper Sticker

6971
Money Isn't Everything, But Poverty Sucks!

-- A Bumper Sticker

6972
Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!

-- A Bumper Sticker

6973
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

-- A Bumper Sticker

6974
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

-- A Bumper Sticker

6975
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

-- A Bumper Sticker

6976
So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.

-- A Bumper Sticker

6977
 Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.

-- A Bumper Sticker

6978
 How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down...Before He Admits He is lost?

-- A Bumper Sticker

6979
I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?

-- A Bumper Sticker

6980
A penny saved is a government oversight.

-- Unknown

6981
He who hesitates is probably right.

-- Unknown

6982
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

-- Unknown

6983
Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

-- Unknown

6984
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

-- Unknown

6985
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

-- Unknown

6986
 Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

-- Unknown

6987
 I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

-- Unknown

6988
 When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog that barks all the time, run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

-- Unknown

6989
 The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

-- Unknown

6990
 The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

-- Unknown

6991
 If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

-- Unknown

6992
 The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

-- Unknown

6993
 Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

-- Unknown

6994
 Birthdays are good for you, the more you have, the longer you live.

-- Unknown

6995
 How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

-- Unknown

6996
 Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.

-- Unknown

6997
 If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

-- Unknown

6998
 You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

-- Unknown

6999
 I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much.

-- Unknown

7000
 We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors...but they all have to learn to live in the same box.

-- Unknown

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