Quotes...The Second Thousand
From The Whole List
Start at 1001Start at 1101 Start at 1201Start at 1301 Start at 1401
Start at 1501Start at 1601 Start at 1701Start at 1801 Start at 1901

1001
Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get
summers off and very few employers are interested in
helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

-- Bill Gates

1002
Television is NOT real life. In real life people
actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

-- Bill Gates

1003
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

-- Bill Gates

1004
When you absolutely, positively have to have it destroyed overnight...the Marines

-- From a bumper sticker.

1005
Female comebacks...
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

-- Unknown

1006
Female comebacks...
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

-- Unknown

1007
Female comebacks...
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

-- Unknown

1008
Female comebacks...
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

-- Unknown

1009
Female comebacks...
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

-- Unknown

1010
Female comebacks...
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

-- Unknown

1011
Because Windows was not properly shut down,
one or more of your disk drives may have errors on it.
To avoid seeing this message again,
use Linux!

-- jgm

1012
You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown

-- In tribute to Charles Schulz

1013
Happiness is a warm puppy.

-- Charles Schulz

1014
Good grief!

-- Charles Schulz

1015
It was a dark and stormy night...

-- Charles Schulz

1016
Rats!

-- Charles Schulz

1017
Isn't it amazing how you have no control over your real life?

-- Charles Schulz

1018
We're all senile; it's just a matter of degree.

-- Unknown

1019
Microsoft's approach has always been to
sell to Dilbert's boss, not to Dilbert.

-- Dan Kusnetsky

1020
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust,
and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

-- Unknown

1021
I've learned that we are responsible
for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

-- Unknown

1022
I've learned that sometimes the people
you expect to kick you when you're
down will be the ones who do.

-- Unknown

1023
I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad
friends because their dysfunction
makes us feel better about ourselves.

-- Unknown

1024
I've learned that no matter how you try
to protect your children, they will eventually
get arrested and end up in the local paper.

-- Unknown

1025
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes
because I know I'm not dumb ....
and I also know that I'm not blonde.

-- Dolly Parton

1026
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women,
but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

-- Erica Jong

1027
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

-- Wendy Liebman

1028
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

-- Erma Bombeck

1029
If high heels were so wonderful,
men would still be wearing them.

-- Sue Grafton

1030
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

-- Roseanne Barr

1031
I think-therefore I'm single.

-- Lizz Winstead

1032
When women are depressed they
either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country.

-- Elayne Boosler

1033
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

-- Maryon Pearson

1034
I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.

-- Gilda Radner

1035
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man;
if you want anything done, ask a woman.

-- Margaret Thatcher

1036
I never married because there was no need.
I have three pets at home which answer
the same purpose as a husband.
I have a dog that growls every morning,
a parrot that swears all afternoon,
and a cat that comes home late at night

-- Marie Corelli

1037
Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.

-- Baroness Edith-Summerskill

1038
If men can run the world,
why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by
tying a little noose around your neck?

-- Linda Ellerbee

1039
I am a marvelous housekeeper.
Every time I leave a man
I keep his house.

-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

1040
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.

-- Eleanor Roosevelt

1041
A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable
but more useful than a life spent in doing nothing.

-- George Bernard Shaw

1042
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

-- Unknown

1043
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
2. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

-- Unknown

1044
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

-- Unknown

1045
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

-- Unknown

1046
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

-- Unknown

1047
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

-- Unknown

1048
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
3. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

-- Unknown

1049
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

-- Unknown

1050
REMEMBER WHEN...
Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a slingshot.

-- Unknown

1051
REMEMBER WHEN...
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.

-- Unknown

1052
REMEMBER WHEN...
No shopping trip was complete, unless a new toy was brought home.

-- Unknown

1053
REMEMBER WHEN...
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to
ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.

-- Unknown

1054
REMEMBER WHEN...
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.

-- Unknown

1055
REMEMBER WHEN...
Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare".

-- Unknown

1056
REMEMBER WHEN...
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.

-- Unknown

1057
REMEMBER WHEN...
Dad was the strongest man alive.

-- Unknown

1058
REMEMBER WHEN...
Nobody was prettier than Mom.

-- Unknown

1059
REMEMBER WHEN...
It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event.

-- Unknown

1060
REMEMBER WHEN...
It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.

-- Unknown

1061
REMEMBER WHEN...
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.

-- Unknown

1062
REMEMBER WHEN...
The net on a tennis court was the perfect height
to play volleyball and rules didn't matter.

-- Unknown

1063
REMEMBER WHEN...
Being old, referred to anyone over 20.

-- Unknown

1064
REMEMBER WHEN...
It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.

-- Unknown

1065
REMEMBER WHEN...
Catching fireflies happily occupied an entire evening.

-- Unknown

1066
REMEMBER WHEN...
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly".

-- Unknown

1067
REMEMBER WHEN...
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.

-- Unknown

1068
REMEMBER WHEN...
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over"!

-- Unknown

1069
REMEMBER WHEN...
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo".

-- Unknown

1070
Always be the first to forgive; and forgive yourself first always.

-- Dan Zadra

1071
Humorous quotes transmit wisdom.

-- Jim Mixson

1072
REMEMBER WHEN...
"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.

-- Unknown

1073
REMEMBER WHEN...
Spinning around, getting dizzy and
falling down was cause for giggles.

-- Unknown

1074
REMEMBER WHEN...
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.

-- Unknown

1075
REMEMBER WHEN...
War was a card game.

-- Unknown

1076
REMEMBER WHEN...
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.

-- Unknown

1077
REMEMBER WHEN...
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.

-- Unknown

1078
REMEMBER WHEN...
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable Flinstone vitamins.

-- Unknown

1079
REMEMBER WHEN...
Ice cream was considered a basic food group.

-- Unknown

1080
REMEMBER WHEN...
Older siblings were the worst tormentors,
but also the fiercest protectors.

-- Unknown

1081
State Motto of Alabama:
Yes, We Have Electricity

-- Unknown

1082
State motto of Alaska:
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

-- Unknown

1083
State motto of Arizona:
But It's a Dry Heat

-- Unknown

1084
State motto of Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthing

-- Unknown

1085
State motto of California:
Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.

-- Unknown

1086
State motto of Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

-- Unknown

1087
State motto of Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.

-- Unknown

1088
State motto of Delaware:
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.

-- Unknown

1089
State motto of Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids

-- Unknown

1090
State motto of Georgia:
We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

-- Unknown

1091
State motto of Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
<Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money>

-- Unknown

1092
State motto of Idaho:
More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not,
But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

-- Unknown

1093
State motto of Illinois:
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

-- Unknown

1094
State motto of Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

-- Unknown

1095
State motto of Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

-- Unknown

1096
State motto of Kansas:
First Of The Rectangle States

-- Unknown

1097
State motto of Kentucky:
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

-- Unknown

1098
State motto of Louisiana:
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign

-- Unknown

1099
State motto of Maine:
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

-- Unknown

1100
State motto of Maryland:
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

-- Unknown

To top of page

1101
State motto of Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
(For Most Tax Brackets)

-- Unknown

1102
State motto of Michigan:
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

-- Unknown

1103
State motto of Minnesota:
10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

-- Unknown

1104
State motto of Mississippi:
Come Feel Better About Your Own State

-- Unknown

1105
State motto of Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

-- Unknown

1106
State motto of Montana:
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber,
Right-Wing Crazies, & Very Little Else

-- Unknown

1107
State motto of Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest

-- Unknown

1108
State motto of New Hampshire:
Go Away And Leave Us Alone

-- Unknown

1109
State motto of Neveda is censored

-- Unknown

1110
State motto of New Jersey:
You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer
##$%##! Motto Right Here!

-- Unknown

1111
State motto of New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

-- Unknown

1112
State motto of New York:
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right To An Attorney...

-- Unknown

1113
State motto of North Carolina:
Tobacco Is A Vegetable

-- Unknown

1114
State motto of North Dakota:
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

-- Unknown

1115
State motto of Ohio:
At Least We're Not Michigan

-- Unknown

1116
State motto of Oklahoma:
Like The Play, Only No Singing

-- Unknown

1117
State motto of Oregon:
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

-- Unknown

1118
State motto of Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal

-- Unknown

1119
State motto of Rhode Island:
We're Not REALLY An Island

-- Unknown

1120
State motto of South Carolina:
Remember The Civil War?
We Didn't Actually Surrender

-- Unknown

1121
State motto of South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota

-- Unknown

1122
State motto of Tennessee:
The Educashun State

-- Unknown

1123
State motto of Texas:
Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)

-- Unknown

1124
State motto of Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

-- Unknown

1125
State motto of Vermont:
Yep

-- Unknown

1126
State motto of Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs
And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

-- Unknown

1127
State motto of Washington:
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

-- Unknown

1128
State motto of Washington, DC:
Wanna Be Mayor?

-- Unknown

1129
State motto of West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family...Really!

-- Unknown

1130
State motto of Wisconsin:
Come Cut The Cheese

-- Unknown

1131
State motto of Wyoming is censored.

-- Unknown

1132
Examine what is said, not him who speaks.

-- Arabian Proverb

1133
Learn as much by writing as by reading.

-- Lord Acton

1134
He who is not very strong in memory should not meddle with lying.

-- Michel de Montaigne

1135
Ultimately, the only power to which man should
aspire is that which he exercises over himself.

-- Elie Wiesel

1136
If you don't want your dog to have bad breath,
do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.

-- Jay Leno

1137
In God we trust, all others are suspects.

-- Unknown

1138
Life's tough. It's tougher if you're stupid.

-- Unknown

1139
From Mom's Dictionary...
AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a
1-year-old to eat strained beets.

-- Unknown

1140
From Mom's Dictionary...
APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which
children will trade for cupcakes.

-- Unknown

1141
From Mom's Dictionary...
BABY:
1) Dad, when he gets a cold.
2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.

-- Unknown

1142
From Mom's Dictionary...
BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family,
believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

-- Unknown

1143
From Mom's Dictionary...
BECAUSE: Mom's reason for having kids do
things which can't be explained logically.

-- Unknown

1144
From Mom's Dictionary...
BED & BREAKFAST: Two things the kids
will never make for themselves.

-- Unknown

1145
From Mom's Dictionary...
CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation
where Mom always winds up going the furtherest
with the biggest bunch of kids
who have had the most sugar.

-- Unknown

1146
From Mom's Dictionary...
COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa
cushions after the kids eat dinner.

-- Unknown

1147
From Mom's Dictionary...
DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy
worrying about the kids in a different setting.

-- Unknown

1148
From Mom's Dictionary...
DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

-- Unknown

1149
From Mom's Dictionary...
DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR.".

-- Unknown

1150
From Mom's Dictionary...
EAR: A place where kids store dirt.

-- Unknown

1151
From Mom's Dictionary...
ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an
oversupply of until asked to do something.

-- Unknown

1152
From Mom's Dictionary...
EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which,
according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything
from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.

-- Unknown

1153
From Mom's Dictionary...
FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer
to the question, "What's for dinner tonight?
" See "SARCASM"

-- Unknown

1154
From Mom's Dictionary...
GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.

-- Unknown

1155
From Mom's Dictionary...
HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded
by, but not containing, dirty clothing.

-- Unknown

1156
From Mom's Dictionary...
HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirtsleeves, drapes, etc.

-- Unknown

1157
From Mom's Dictionary...
HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

-- Unknown

1158
From Mom's Dictionary...
ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found
in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled
the things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

-- Unknown

1159
From Mom's Dictionary...
JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just
about any occasion, including church and funerals.

-- Unknown

1160
From Mom's Dictionary...
JUNK: Dad's stuff.

-- Unknown

1161
From Mom's Dictionary...
KISS: Mom medicine.

-- Unknown

1162
From Mom's Dictionary...
LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where
Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons,
and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers
and ice for kids who sit there for three
to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.

-- Unknown

1163
From Mom's Dictionary...
MAYBE: No.

-- Unknown

1164
From Mom's Dictionary...
OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath
night for kids, assorted pets, two
or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats,
cars and animals.

-- Unknown

1165
From Mom's Dictionary...
OPEN: The position of children's mouths
when they eat in front of company.

-- Unknown

1166
From Mom's Dictionary...
OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.

-- Unknown

1167
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Falling in love.

-- Unknown

1168
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Laughing so hard your face hurts.

-- Unknown

1169
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
A hot shower.

-- Unknown

1170
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
A bubble bath.

-- Unknown

1171
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Giggling.

-- Unknown

1172
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
A good conversation.

-- Unknown

1173
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
The beach.

-- Unknown

1174
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Finding a $20 bill in your coat from last winter.

-- Unknown

1175
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Laughing at yourself.

-- Unknown

1176
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Midnight phone calls that last for hours.

-- Unknown

1177
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Running through sprinklers.

-- Unknown

1178
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.

-- Unknown

1179
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.

-- Unknown

1180
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Laughing at an inside joke.

-- Unknown

1181
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Friends.

-- Unknown

1182
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Falling in love for the first time.

-- Unknown

1183
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.

-- Unknown

1184
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.

-- Unknown

1185
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Your first kiss.

-- Unknown

1186
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Making new friends or spending time with old ones.

-- Unknown

1187
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Playing with a new puppy.

-- Unknown

1188
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Late night talks with your roommate that keep you from sleeping.

-- Unknown

1189
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Having someone play with your hair.

-- Unknown

1190
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Sweet dreams.

-- Unknown

1191
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Hot chocolate.

-- Unknown

1192
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Road trips with friends.

-- Unknown

1193
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Watching a good movie cuddled up on
a couch with someone you love.

-- Unknown

1194
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree
while eating cookies and drinking eggnog.

-- Unknown

1195
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so
you can sing along without feeling stupid.

-- Unknown

1196
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Going to a really good concert.

-- Unknown

1197
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Getting butterflies in your stomach
every time you see that one person.

-- Unknown

1198
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Making eye contact with a cute stranger.

-- Unknown

1199
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Winning a really competitive game.

-- Unknown

1200
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Making chocolate chip cookies!

-- Unknown

To top of page

1201
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Having your friends send you homemade cookies!

-- Unknown

1202
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Spending time with close friends!

-- Unknown

1203
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends...

-- Unknown

1204
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Hugging the person you love.

-- Unknown

1205
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Watching the expression someone's face as
they open a much-desired present from you.

-- Unknown

1206
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Watching the sunrise.

-- Unknown

1207
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Getting out of bed every morning and
thanking God for another beautiful day.

-- Unknown

1208
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Many people will walk in and out of your
life, but only true friends will
leave a footprint in your heart.

-- Unknown

1209
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Swinging on swings.

-- Unknown

1210
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Holding hands with someone you care about.

-- Unknown

1211
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Running into an old friend and realizing
that some things (good or bad) never change.

-- Unknown

1212
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Discovering that love is unconditional and stronger than time.

-- Unknown

1213
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Riding the best roller coasters over and over.

-- Unknown

1214
Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me,
but deep down I know that's not true.
Some of the smaller countries are neutral.

-- Robert Orben

1215
Politics should be limited in scope to war, protection
of property, and the occasional
precautionary beheading of a member of the ruling class..

-- P. J. O'Rourke

1216
When you're at peace with yourself, any place is home.

-- From a poster

1217
A mind is like a parachute.
It works best when open.

-- From a poster

1218
A good education is the doorway to opportunity.
A positive attitude is the stairway to success.

-- From a poster

1219
A good angle to approach any problem
is the try-angle.

-- From a poster

1220
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

-- Unknown

1221
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death

-- Unknown

1222
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

-- Unknown

1223
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

-- Unknown

1224
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
16. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

-- Unknown

1225
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
17. War Dims Hope for Peace

-- Unknown

1226
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

-- Unknown

1227
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

-- Unknown

1228
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

-- Unknown

1229
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

-- Unknown

1230
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space

-- Unknown

1231
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

-- Unknown

1232
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
24. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

-- Unknown

1233
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
25. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

-- Unknown

1234
Success comes in 'cans' not 'cannots'.

-- Unknown

1235
To settle an argument, think about
WHAT'S right not WHO'S right.

-- Unknown

1236
Improvement begins with ' I '.

-- Unknown

1237

The only thing that feels better than finding a
long lost relative is finding your long lost dog.

-- Marilyn vos Savant

1238

I time really heals all wounds,
I should be cured by now.

-- Laugh Parade

1239

Caring is the No. 1 life skill.
Being a caring person makes a difference.

-- Barbara Stryker, Principal

1240
Few things are harder to put up with than
the annoyance of a good example.

-- Mark Twain

1241
It is better to deserve honors and not have them than it is
to have honors and not deserve them.

-- Mark Twain

1242
You're getting old when you don't care where your
spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

-- Unknown

1243
Statistics show that at the age of seventy,
there are five women to every man. Isn't
that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?

-- Unknown

1244
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

-- Unknown

1245
By the time a man is wise enough to watch
his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

-- Unknown

1246
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both
ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

-- Unknown

1247
Someone has described heaven as a family reunion
that never ends. What could hell possibly be like?
Home videos of the same reunion?

-- Unknown

1248
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned
to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

-- Unknown

1249
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations
and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

-- Unknown

1250
You know you're into middle age when you realize
that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

-- Unknown

1251
Don't worry about avoiding temptation.
As you grow older, it will avoid you.

-- Unknown

1252
The aging process could be slowed down if it had
to work its way through the U.S. Congress.

-- Unknown

1253
You're getting old when "getting lucky" means
you find your car in the parking lot.

-- Unknown

1254
You're getting old when you wake up with that
morning-after feeling, and you didn't do
anything the night before.

-- Unknown

1255
Microsoft: The Evil Empire.

-- Scott McNealy, Sun CEO

1256
Windows: The hairball on the desktop.

-- Scott McNealy, Sun CEO

1257
The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world
will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel
good about yourself.

-- Bill Gates

1258
The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.

-- Dudley Moore

1259
To acquire knowledge, one must study;
but to acquire wisdom, one must observe.

-- Marilyn Vos Savant

1260
PARENTS hold their children's hands for a while,
but their hearts forever.

-- From a plaque

1261
Expedients are for the hour, but principles are for the ages.

-- Harry Hard Beecher, clergyman

1262
Men of principle are sure to be bold,
but those who are bold may not always
be men of principle..

-- Confucius, philosopher

1263
It is often easier to fight for principles
than to live up to them.

-- Adlai Stevenson, politician

1264
Believe that life is worth living,
and your belief will create the fact.

-- William James, psychologist

1265
By talking to strangers outside your field,
you'll get the kind of creativefiber
you can't get from your breakfast cereal.

-- Michael Michalko, writer on innovation

1266
The wages of the righteous bring them life but the
income of the wicked brings them punishment.

-- Proverbs 3:16 (NIV)

1267
When one door closes, another door opens;
but we often look so long and so
regretfully upon the closed door,
that we do not see the ones which open for us.

-- Alexander Graham Bell, inventor

1268
Drink deeply from good books.

-- John Wooden

1269
The time to make friends is before you need them.

-- John Wooden

1270
Help others.

-- John Wooden

1271
The best thing a father can do for his children is
to love their mother.

-- John Wooden

1272
When I'm through learning, I'm through.

-- John Wooden

1273
Many people will walk in and out of your life,
But only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.

-- Eleanor Roosevelt

1274
To handle yourself, use your head;
To handle others, use your heart.

-- Eleanor Roosevelt

1275
Anger is only one letter short of danger.

-- Eleanor Roosevelt

1276
If someone betrays you once, it is his fault;
If he betrays you twice, it is your fault.

-- Eleanor Roosevelt

1277
Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.

-- Eleanor Roosevelt

1278
He who loses money, loses much;
He, who loses a friend, loses much more;
He, who loses faith, loses all.

-- Eleanor Roosevelt

1279
Beautiful young people are accidents of nature,
But beautiful old people are works of art.

-- Eleanor Roosevelt

1280
Learn from the mistakes of others.
You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

-- Eleanor Roosevelt

1281
You know you're old when:
You wear black socks with sandals.

-- Unknown

1282
You know you're old when:
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

-- Unknown

1283
You know you're old when:
You can't remember the last time you laid
on the floor to watch television.

-- Unknown

1284
You know you're old when:
Your ears are hairier than your head.

-- Unknown

1285
You know you're old when:
You can go bowling without drinking.

-- Unknown

1286
You know you're old when:
You take a metal detector to the beach.

-- Unknown

1287
You know you're old when:
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

-- Unknown

1288
You know you're old when:
You send money to PBS.

-- Unknown

1289
You know you're old when:
You have a dream about prunes.

-- Unknown

1290
You know you're old when:
Neighbors borrow your tools.

-- Unknown

1291
You know you're old when:
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

-- Unknown

1292
You know you're old when:
You make an appointment to see the dentist.

-- Unknown

1293
You know you're old when:
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

-- Unknown

1294
You know you're old when:
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

-- Unknown

1295
You know you're old when:
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

-- Unknown

1296
You know you're old when:
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

-- Unknown

1297
You know you're old when:
You sing along with the elevator music.

-- Unknown

1298
You know you're old when:
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

-- Unknown

1299
You know you're old when:
Your best friend is dating someone half
their age and isn't breaking any laws.

-- Unknown

1300
You know you're old when:
You are proud of your lawn mower.

-- Unknown

To top of page

1301
You know you're old when:
You can live without sex
but not without glasses.

-- Unknown

1302
You know you're old when:
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

-- Unknown

1303
You know you're old when:
You quit trying to hold your stomach in,
no matter who walks into the room.

-- Unknown

1304
You know you're old when:
Your back goes out more than you do.

-- Unknown

1305
You know you're old when:
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

-- Unknown

1306
You know you're old when:
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"

-- Unknown

1307
You know you're old when:
You answer a question with, "because I said so!"

-- Unknown

1308
You know you're old when:
You know what the word "equity" means.

-- Unknown

1309
You know you're old when:
You talk about "good grass"
and you're referring to someone's lawn.
-- Unknown

1310
You know you're old when:
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

-- Unknown

1311
You know you're old when:
You got cable for the weather channel. ("Old Folks MTV")

-- Unknown

1312
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world;
the unreasonable one persists in
trying to adapt the world to himself.
Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.

-- George Bernard Shaw

1313
You know you live in a small town when.....
Third Street is on the edge of town.

-- Unknown

1314
You know you live in a small town when.....
You don't use your turn signals because
everyone knows where you're going.

-- Unknown

1315
You know you live in a small town when.....
A baby born on June 14 receives gifts from
local merchants as the first baby of the year.

-- Unknown

1316
You know you live in a small town when.....
You speak to each dog you pass by name and he wags his tail at you.

-- Unknown

1317
You know you live in a small town when.....
You dial a wrong number and talk for 15 minutes anyway.

-- Unknown

1318
You know you live in a small town when.....
You can't walk for exercise because every
car that passes you offers you a ride.

-- Unknown

1319
You know you live in a small town when.....
In order to paint traffic lines,
the road has to be widened.

-- Unknown

1320
You know you live in a small town when.....
The Mayor is also the Sheriff, Town Council and street sweeper.

-- Unknown

1321
You know you live in a small town when.....
There is no town idiot -- everybody has to take turns.

-- Unknown

1322
You know you live in a small town when.....
You can name everyone you graduated with.

-- Unknown

1323
You know you live in a small town when.....
You have to drive an hour to buy a pair of socks.

-- Unknown

1324
You know you live in a small town when.....
You get a whiff of manure and think of home.

-- Unknown

1325
You know you live in a small town when.....
You fix yourself up to go buy groceries
lest anyone starts the rumor that you have
gained weight or quit taking care of yourself.

-- Unknown

1326
You know you live in a small town when.....
Someone asks you how you feel and listens to what you say.

-- Unknown

1327
You know you live in a small town when.....
Friday nights fun consisted of standing in line
for the one-screen theater and when it is sold out,
watching truckers and drinking coffee at the truck
stop (the only place open after 10).

-- Unknown

1328
The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.

-- Unknown

1329
A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.

-- Unknown

1330
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

-- Unknown

1331
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

-- Unknown

1332
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

-- Unknown

1333
Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

-- Unknown

1334
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

-- Unknown

1335
I don't have a license to kill,
but I do have a learners permit.

-- Unknown

1336
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

-- Unknown

1337
Time is fun when you're having flies... Kermit the Frog

-- Unknown

1338
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is.

-- Unknown

1339
Toilet stolen from police station.
Cops have nothing to go on.

-- Unknown

1340
If you think there is good in everybody
then you obviously haven't met everybody.

-- Unknown

1341
All power corrupts.
Absolute power is kinda neat though.

-- Unknown

1342
If your feet smell & your nose runs,
you're built upside down.

-- Unknown

1343
Here I am!!! What are your other two wishes?

-- Unknown

1344
Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.

-- Unknown

1345
Confession is good for the soul,
but bad for your career.

-- Unknown

1346
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

-- Unknown

1347
Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

-- Unknown

1348
Gun Control: Use both hands.

-- Unknown

1349
Remember: First you pillage, then you burn.

-- Unknown

1350
To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.

-- Unknown

1351
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

-- Unknown

1352
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

-- Unknown

1353
Half the people in the world are below average.

-- Unknown

1354
Failure is not an option.
It's bundled with your Windows software.

-- Unknown

1355
Honk if you love peace and quiet.

-- Unknown

1356
Strip mining prevents forest fires

-- Unknown

1357
I'm sure that sex is better than logic
but I can't prove it.

-- Unknown

1358
Arkansas State Motto: Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Laugh

-- Unknown

1359
A picture may be worth a thousand words,
but it uses up a thousand times more memory!

-- Unknown

1360
If a thing is worth doing,
wouldn't it have been done already?

-- Unknown

1361
Ham and Eggs: Just a day's work for a chicken,
but a lifetime commitment for a pig.

-- Unknown

1362
The easiest person to deceive is one's own self.

-- Edward Bulwer-Lytton

1363
We must exchange the philosophy of excuse...what I am is
beyond my control...for the philosophy of responsibility.

-- Barbara Jordan

1364
I am learning that if I just go on accepting the framework
for life that others have given me, if I fail to make my own
choices, the reason for my life will be missing. I will be
unable to recognize that which I have power to change.

-- Liv Ullman

1365
Destiny is not a matter of chance; it is a matter of choice.
It is not a thing to be waiting for;
it is a thing to be achieved.

-- William Jennings Bryan

1366
Take not of wasted affection;
affection never was wasted.

-- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

1367
No one will dare maintain that it is
better to do injustice than to bear it.

-- Aristotle

1368
The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold,
but man is tested by the praise he receives.

-- Proverbs 27:21 (NIV)

1369
Most smiles are started by another smile.

-- Unknown

1370
Everyone smiles in the same language.

-- From a poster

1371
Ladder of achievement:
100% - I did.40% - What is it?
90% - I will.30% - I wish I could.
80% - I can.20% - I don't know much.
70% - I think I can.10% - I can't.
60% - I might.0% - I won't.
50% - I think I might. 

-- From a poster

1372
Rules for learning:

 Listen carefully.
 Exert yourself.
 Aspire to achievement.
 Reason well.
 Nurture your interests and talents.

-- From a poster

1373
Clock:

A mechanical device to wake up people who have no children.

-- Dick E. Bird News

1374
Conscience:

The inner voice warning you that someone may be looking.

-- Dick E. Bird News

1375
Cynic:

Someone who smells the flowers and looks for a casket.

-- Dick E. Bird News

1376
Experience:

What you get when you don't get what you want.

-- Dick E. Bird News

1377
Federal law:

Ten thousand books explaining the Ten Commandments.

-- Dick E. Bird News

1378
Happiness:

Wanting what you get.

-- Dick E. Bird News

1379
Marriage:

Getting used to a lot of things you least expected.

-- Dick E. Bird News

1380
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"

-- Dave Barry

1381
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

-- George Carlin

1382
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?

-- Marilyn Pittman

1383
My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."

-- Paula Poundstone

1384
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:---- "Duh."

-- Conan O'Brien

1385
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize,"Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner!"

-- Lynda Montgomery

1386
The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.

-- Roseanne

1387
Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.

-- Paul Rodriguez

1388
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law.

-- Jerry Seinfeld

1389
In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

-- Warren Hutcherson

1390
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

-- Oscar Wilde

1391
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.

-- Mae West

1392
Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.

-- Mark Twain

1393
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.

-- A. Whitney Brown

1394

Out of the mouths of babes...

Learning is fun! If I didn't have to go to school, I could learn even more.

-- Cheryl, age 10

1395

Out of the mouths of babes...

Never learn how to do something yucky, like taking out the garbage.

-- Glenn, age 7

1396

Out of the mouths of babes...

My best skill No matter what anyone says to me, I just smile and show my dimples.

-- Anita, age 11

1397

Out of the mouths of babes...

Dont ever be too good in those subjects you hate.

-- Karen, age 10

1398

Out of the mouths of babes...

When the principal visits your class, your teacher will act real nice.

-- Dinah, age 10

1399

Out of the mouths of babes...

Never tell your parents that your class needs a chaperone. It will ruin your class trip.

-- Tom, age 14

1400
Out of the mouths of babes...

The best skill to have? Keeping your eyes
open when you sleep in class.

-- Olivia, age 9

To top of page

1401
Out of the mouths of babes...

What important thing have I learned? Dont try to do your homework during TV commercials.

-- Leon, age 12

1402
Out of the mouths of babes...

When you get a bad grade in school, you need at
least a billion good grades to erase it.

-- Adrienne, age 13

1403
Out of the mouths of babes...

Never even try to get your dog to eat your homework.He wont do it, even if you smear liver on it!

-- Bob, age 13

1404
Out of the mouths of babes...

Never volunteer to be the first to read your composition.The teacher wont know how bad everyone elses is at that point.

-- Lauren, age 11

1405
Out of the mouths of babes...

Never tell your little sister that you're going to skip class today.

-- Linda, age 12

1406
Out of the mouths of babes...

Remember that even people as old as 19 can still learn,even though it takes them much longer.

-- Melody, age 8

1407
Out of the mouths of babes...

My mom says that 2 plus 2 equals 4.Nothing is always true, is it?

-- Jodie, age 7

1408
Out of the mouths of babes...

Stay away from people who want to teach yousomething for your own good.

-- Bill, age 9

1409
Out of the mouths of babes...

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.

-- Marsha, age 13

1410
Out of the mouths of babes...

Forget the cake; go for the icing.

-- Jenny, age 8

1411
Out of the mouths of babes...

Remember the two places you are always welcome,church and Grandmas house.

-- Kent, age 11

1412
Out of the mouths of babes...

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.

-- Ed, age 12

1413
Out of the mouths of babes...

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.

-- Ron, age 9

1414
Out of the mouths of babes...

Never smart off to a teacher whoseeyes and ears are twitching.

-- Brenda, age 9

1415
Dear God,

Did you mean for the giraffe to look like
that or was it an accident?

-- Norma

1416
Dear God,

Instead of letting people die and having to make new
ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have now?

-- Jane

1417
Dear God,

Who draws the lines around the countries?

-- Nan

1418
Dear God,

I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church.
Is that okay?

-- Neil

1419
Dear God,

Thank you for my baby brother,
but what I prayed for was a puppy.

-- Joyce

1420
Dear God,

It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad!
He said some things about you that people are not
supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway.
-- Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am)

-- Anonymous!

1421
Dear God,

Please send me a pony. I never asked for
anything before. You can look it up.

-- Bruce

1422
Dear God,

I want to be just like my daddy when I get
big, but not with so much hair all over.

-- Sam

1423
Dear God,

I bet it is very hard for you to love all
the people in the world. There are only four
people in our family and I can never do it.

-- Nan

1424
Dear God,

Of all the people who worked for you,
I like Noah and David the best.

-- Rob

1425
Dear God,

My brothers told me about being born,
but it doesn't sound right.
They are just kidding, aren't they?

-- Marsha

1426
Dear God,

If you watch me in church Sunday,
I'll show you my new undies.

-- Mickey

1427
Dear God,

I do not think anybody could be a better God.
Well, I just want you to know that I am not
just saying this because you are God already.

-- Charles

1428
Dear God,

I didn't think orange went with purple
until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday.
That was cool!

-- Eugene

1429
Dear God,

Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other
so much if they had their own rooms.
It works with my brother.

-- Larry

1430
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

-- Unknown

1431
Real Rules To Live By...

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

-- Unknown

1432
Real Rules To Live By...

The journey of a thousand miles begins with
a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

-- Unknown

1433
Real Rules To Live By...

It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper,
that's the time to do it.

-- Unknown

1434
Real Rules To Live By...

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

-- Unknown

1435
Real Rules To Live By...

It may be that your sole purpose in life is
simply to serve as a warning to others.

-- Unknown

1436
Real Rules To Live By...

It is far more impressive when others discover
your good qualities without your help.

-- Unknown

1437
Real Rules To Live By...

If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.

-- Unknown

1438
Real Rules To Live By...

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

-- Unknown

1439
Real Rules To Live By...

If you lend someone $20, and
never see that person again;
it was probably worth it.

-- Unknown

1440
Real Rules To Live By...

Some days you are the bug;
some days you are the windshield.

-- Unknown

1441
Real Rules To Live By...

Don't squat with your spurs on.

-- Unknown

1442
Real Rules To Live By...

Good judgment comes from bad experience.
A lot of that comes from bad judgment.

-- Unknown

1443
Real Rules To Live By...

The quickest way to double your money
is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.

-- Unknown

1444
Real Rules To Live By...

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

-- Unknown

1445
Real Rules To Live By...

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

-- Unknown

1446
Real Rules To Live By...

Duct tape is like the force,
it has a light side and a dark side
and it holds the universe together.

-- Unknown

1447
Real Rules To Live By...

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't
get sucked into jet engines.

-- Unknown

1448
Real Rules To Live By...

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

-- Unknown

1449
Real Rules To Live By...

Generally speaking, you aren't learning
much when your mouth is moving.

-- Unknown

1450
Real Rules To Live By...

Before you criticize someone,
you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a
mile away and you have their shoes.

-- Unknown

1451
Real Rules To Live By...

Experience is something you don't get
until just after you need it.

-- Unknown

1452
Real Rules To Live By...

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

-- Unknown

1453
Real Rules To Live By...

Never mess up an apology with an excuse.

-- Unknown

1454
There's a mighty big difference
between good, sound reasons and reasons that sound good.

-- Burton Hillis

1455
Leadership is action, not position.

-- Donald H. McGannon

1456
Few things help an individual more than to
place responsibility on him, and to let him
know that you trust him.

-- Booker T. Washington

1457
Every man goes down to his death bearing
in his hands only that which he has given away.

-- Persian Proverb

1458
Learn to reason forward and backward
on both sides of a question.

-- Unknown

1459
If you want to earn more than you get, you need
to be worth more than you are paid.

-- Unknown

1460
When your friends begin to flatter you on how
young you look, it's a sure sign you're growing old.

-- Mark Twain

1461
The mind of a bigot is like the pupil of the eye;
the more light you pour upon it the more it will contract.

-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

1462
Our faults irritate us most when we see them in others.

-- Pennsylvania Dutch Proverb

1463
Do not put your faith in what statistics say until you
have carefully considered what they do not say.

-- Unknown

1464
Never make a promise in haste.

-- Mahatma Gandhi

1465
Keep out of ruts: a rut is something which,
if traveled too much, becomes a ditch.

-- Arthur Guiterman

1466
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.

-- Mark Twain

1467
It is not true that life is one damn thing after another.
It's one damn thing over and over.

-- Edna St. Vincent Millay

1468
If we believe absurdities we shall commit atrocities.

-- Voltaire

1469
The man who makes no mistakes does not
usually make anything.

-- William Conner Magee

1470
When people are free to do as they please, they
usually imitate each other.

-- Eric Hoffer

1471
The best cure for hypochondria is to forget about
your own body and get interested on someone else's.

-- Goodman Ace

1472
He that cannot forgive others, breaks the bridge over which
he must pass himself; for every man has need to be forgiven.

-- Thomas Fuller

1473
Nothing is so soothing to our self-esteem as to find
our bad traits in our forebears. It seems to absolve us.

-- Van Wyck Brooks

1474
When buying a used car, punch all the buttons on the radio.
If all the stations are rock and roll, there's a good
chance that the transmission is shot.

-- Unknown

1475
Tolerance is the greatest gift of the mind; it requires the
same effort of the brain that it takes to balance oneself on
a bicycle.

-- Helen Keller

1476
The best way to enjoy leisure is to work hard for it.

-- François, Duc de La Rochefoucauld

1477
The true Republic: men, their rights and nothing more;
women, their rights and nothing less.

-- Susan B. Anthony

1478
When nobody around you seems to measure up, it's
time to check your yardstick.

-- Unknown

1479
The man who has no inner life is the slave of his surroundings.

-- Henri Frédéric Amiel

1480
The right to be let alone is the most comprehensive of
rights and the right most valued in civilized man.

-- Louis D. Brandeis

1481
Meet success like a gentleman and disaster like a man.

-- Lord Birkenhead

1482
Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.

-- Don Herold

1483
When you cannot get a compliment any other way pay yourself one.

-- Mark Twain

1484
Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his moccasins.

-- American Indian Proverb

1485
The number of guests at dinner should not be less than
the number of the Graces nor exceed that of the Muses,
i.e., it should begin with three and stop at nine.

-- Varro, a Roman

1486
The self is not something ready-made, but something in
continuous formation through choice of action.

-- John Dewey

1487
Things I've learned from my kids...

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a
2000 square foot house 2 inches deep.

-- Unknown

1488
Things I've learned from my kids...

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them
with roller blades they can ignite.

-- Unknown

1489
Things I've learned from my kids...

A 3 year old's voice is louder than 200 adults
in a crowded resturant.

-- Unknown

1490
Things I've learned from my kids...

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor
is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underware
and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on
all four walls of a 20X20 foot room.

-- Unknown

1491
Things I've learned from my kids...

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

-- Unknown

1492
Things I've learned from my kids...

When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to
throw the ball up a few times to get a hit.

-- Unknown

1493
Things I've learned from my kids...

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

-- Unknown

1494
Things I've learned from my kids...

The glass in windows, even double pane,
doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

-- Unknown

1495
Things I've learned from my kids...

When you hear the toilet flush and the words
"Uh-oh", it's already too late.

-- Unknown

1496
Things I've learned from my kids...

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

-- Unknown

1497
Things I've learned from my kids...

A six year old can start a fire with flint rock even though a 36 year old
man says they can only do it in the movies.

-- Unknown

1498
Things I've learned from my kids...

A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

-- Unknown

1499
Things I've learned from my kids...

Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4 year old.

-- Unknown

1500
Things I've learned from my kids...

Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

-- Unknown

To top of page

1501
Things I've learned from my kids...

Super Glue is forever.

-- Unknown

1502
Things I've learned from my kids...

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool,
you still can't walk on water.

-- Unknown

1503
Things I've learned from my kids...

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

-- Unknown

1504
Things I've learned from my kids...

VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials
show they do.

-- Unknown

1505
Things I've learned from my kids...

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

-- Unknown

1506
Things I've learned from my kids...

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

-- Unknown

1507
Things I've learned from my kids...

You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

-- Unknown

1508
Things I've learned from my kids...

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

-- Unknown

1509
Things I've learned from my kids...

Plastic toys do not like ovens.

-- Unknown

1510
Things I've learned from my kids...

The fire department in "your city goes here" has a 5 minute response time.

-- Unknown

1511
Things I've learned from my kids...

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
It does, however, make cats dizzy and cats throw up twice thier body
weight when dizzy.

-- Unknown

1512
If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like...

When loved ones come home,
always run to greet them.

-- Unknown

1513
If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like...

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

-- Unknown

1514
If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like...

Allow the experience of fresh air and
the wind in your face to be pure ectasy.

-- Unknown

1515
If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like...

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

-- Unknown

1516
If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like...

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

-- Unknown

1517
If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like...

Take naps and stretch before rising.

-- Unknown

1518
If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like...

Run, romp and play daily.

-- Unknown

1519
If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like...

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

-- Unknown

1520
If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like...

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

-- Unknown

1521
If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like...

On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.

-- Unknown

1522
If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like...

On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.

-- Unknown

1523
If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like...

When you're happy, dance around and wag your body.

-- Unknown

1524
If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like...

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the
guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends.

-- Unknown

1525
If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like...

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

-- Unknown

1526
If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like...

Eat with gusto and enthusiam. Stop when you've had enough.

-- Unknown

1527
If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like...

Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.

-- Unknown

1528
If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like...

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

-- Unknown

1529
If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like...

When someone is having a bad day, be silent,
sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

-- Unknown

1530
...THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill
and a laxative on the same night.

-- Dave Berry

1531
...THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason
why the human race has not achieved, and never
will achieve, its full potential, that word
would be "meetings".

-- Dave Berry

1532
...THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

-- Dave Berry

1533
...THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...

People who want to share their religious views with
you almost never want you to share yours with them.

-- Dave Berry

1534
...THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...

No matter what happens, somebody will find
a way to take it too seriously.

-- Dave Berry

1535
...THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...

You should not confuse your career with your life.

-- Dave Berry

1536
...THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is
always one individual who perceives a solution and is
willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

-- Dave Berry

1537
...THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...

Never lick a steak knife.

-- Dave Berry

1538
...THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

-- Dave Berry

1539
...THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...

Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie

-- Dave Berry

1540
...THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

-- Dave Berry

1541
...THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear
and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

-- Dave Berry

1542
...THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an
actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

-- Dave Berry

1543
...THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people
to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

-- Dave Berry

1544
...THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that,
deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

-- Dave Berry

1545
...THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests
is to annoy people who are not in them.

-- Dave Berry

1546
...THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter,
is not a nice person.

-- Dave Berry

1547
...THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...

Your friends love you anyway.

-- Dave Berry

1548
Yesterday an egg...
Tomorrow a feather duster...
Enjoy today!!

-- Unknown

1549
The Gospel according to kids...

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

-- Unknown

1550
The Gospel according to kids...

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterwards, Moses up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.

-- Unknown

1551
The Gospel according to kids...

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread- Which is bread without any ingredients.

-- Unknown

1552
The Gospel according to kids...

Sampson slayed the Phillistines with the axe of the Apostles.

-- Unknown

1553
The Gospel according to kids...

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

-- Unknown

1554
The Gospel according to kids...

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they
had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

-- Unknown

1555
The Gospel according to kids...

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day,
but a ball of fire by night.

-- Unknown

1556
The Gospel according to kids...

Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

-- Unknown

1557
The Gospel according to kids...

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark

-- Unknown

1558
The Gospel according to kids...

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

-- Unknown

1559
The Gospel according to kids...

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired
of creating the world, so he took the Sadbath off.

-- Unknown

1560

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE...

Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

-- Unknown

1561

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE...

When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

-- Unknown

1562

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE...

Follow the three R's:
Respect for self;
Respect for others;
and Responsibility for all your actions.

-- Unknown

1563

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE...

Remember that NOT getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

-- Unknown

1564

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE...

Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

-- Unknown

1565

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE...

Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

-- Unknown

1566

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE...

When you realize you have made a mistake,
take immediate steps to correct it.

-- Unknown

1567

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE...

Spend some time alone every day.

-- Unknown

1568

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE...

Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

-- Unknown

1569

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE...

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

-- Unknown

1570

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE...

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older
and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.

-- Unknown

1571

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE...

In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with
the current situation. Don't bring up the past.

-- Unknown

1572

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE...

Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.

-- Unknown

1573

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE...

Be gentle with the earth.

-- Unknown

1574

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE...

Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.

-- Unknown

1575
INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE...

Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

-- Unknown

1576
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS...

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

-- Unknown

1577
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS...

Reason to smile:
Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

-- Unknown

1578
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS...

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

-- Unknown

1579
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS...

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

-- Unknown

1580
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS...

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

-- Unknown

1581
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS...

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

-- Unknown

1582
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS...

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

-- Unknown

1583
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS...

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

-- Unknown

1584
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS...

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

-- Unknown

1585
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS...

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

-- Unknown

1586
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS...

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs keptrubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

-- Unknown

1587
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS...

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

-- Unknown

1588
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS...

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

-- Unknown

1589
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS...

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

-- Unknown

1590
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS...

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

-- Unknown

1591
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS...

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

-- Unknown

1592
You're getting old when you don't care where yourspouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

-- Unknown

1593
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?

-- Unknown

1594
A woman friend tells me that at our age she has found that going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of her face.

-- Unknown

1595
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

-- Unknown

1596
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

-- Unknown

1597
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

-- Unknown

1598
Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?

-- Unknown

1599
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

-- Unknown

1600
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

-- Unknown

To top of page

1601
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

-- Unknown

1602
At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.

-- Unknown

1603
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

-- Unknown

1604
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

-- Unknown

1605
You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

-- Unknown

1606
You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know till the 4th of July.

-- Unknown

1607
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

-- Unknown

1608
If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

-- Unknown

1609
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

-- Unknown

1610
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.

-- Unknown

1611
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

-- Unknown

1612
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

-- Unknown

1613
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

-- Unknown

1614
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

-- Unknown

1615
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

-- Unknown

1616
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

-- Unknown

1617
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

-- Unknown

1618
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

-- Unknown

1619
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

-- Unknown

1620
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

-- Unknown

1621
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

-- Unknown

1622
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

-- Unknown

1623
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

-- Unknown

1624
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

-- Unknown

1625
If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?

-- Unknown

1626
What do you call a male ladybug?

-- Unknown

1627
Why didnt Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

-- Unknown

1628
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

-- Unknown

1629
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

-- Unknown

1630
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

-- Unknown

1631
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

-- Unknown

1632
If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?

-- Unknown

1633
If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

-- Unknown

1634
If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?

-- Unknown

1635
Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

-- Unknown

1636
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

-- Unknown

1637
Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?

-- Unknown

1638
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

-- Unknown

1639
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

-- Unknown

1640
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

-- Unknown

1641
What do people in China call their good plates?

-- Unknown

1642
When dog food is "new and improved tasting", who tests it?

-- Unknown

1643
Your proctologist called; he found your head.

-- Unknown

1644
Southern medical terms...

Benign: What you be, after you be eight.

-- Unknown

1645
Southern medical terms...

Artery: The study of paintings.

-- Unknown

1646
Southern medical terms...

Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria.

-- Unknown

1647
Southern medical terms...

Barium: What doctors do when patients die.

-- Unknown

1648
Southern medical terms...

Cesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome.

-- Unknown

1649
Southern medical terms...

Catscan: Searching for Kitty.

-- Unknown

1650
Southern medical terms...

Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.

-- Unknown

1651
Southern medical terms...

Colic: A sheep dog.

-- Unknown

1652
Southern medical terms...

Coma: A punctuation mark.

-- Unknown

1653
Southern medical terms...

D&C: Where Washington is.

-- Unknown

1654
Southern medical terms...

Dilate: To live long.

-- Unknown

1655
Southern medical terms...

Enema: Not a friend.

-- Unknown

1656
Southern medical terms...

Fester: Quicker than someone else.

-- Unknown

1657
Southern medical terms...

Fibula: A small lie.

-- Unknown

1658
Southern medical terms...

Genital: Non-Jewish person.

-- Unknown

1659
Southern medical terms...

G.I. Series: World Series of military baseball.

-- Unknown

1660
Southern medical terms...

Hangnail: What you hang your coat on.

-- Unknown

1661
Southern medical terms...

Impotent: Distinguished, well known.

-- Unknown

1662
Southern medical terms...

Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work.

-- Unknown

1663
Southern medical terms...

Varicose: Near by/close by.

-- Unknown

1664
Southern medical terms...

Secretion: Hiding something.

-- Unknown

1665
Southern medical terms...

Seizure: Roman emperor.

-- Unknown

1666
Southern medical terms...

Tablet: A small table.

-- Unknown

1667
Southern medical terms...

Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.

-- Unknown

1668
Southern medical terms...

Tumor: One plus one more.

-- Unknown

1669
Southern medical terms...

Urine: Opposite of you're out.

-- Unknown

1670
Southern medical terms...

Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery.

-- Unknown

1671
Southern medical terms...

Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane.

-- Unknown

1672
Southern medical terms...

Morbid: A higher offer.

-- Unknown

1673
Southern medical terms...

Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates.

-- Unknown

1674
Southern medical terms...

Node: I knew it.

-- Unknown

1675
Southern medical terms...

Outpatient: A person who has fainted.

-- Unknown

1676
Southern medical terms...

Pap Smear: A fatherhood test.

-- Unknown

1677
Southern medical terms...

Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.

-- Unknown

1678
Southern medical terms...

Post Operative A letter carrier.

-- Unknown

1679
Dogs think they're human. Cats know they are.

-- Unknown

1680
Signs you're at a bad summer camp... It's located on a patch of the I 95 medium strip.

-- David Letterman

1681
Signs you're at a bad summer camp... Each cabin is named after a different serial killer.

-- David Letterman

1682
Signs you're at a bad summer camp... You toast marshmallows by laying them on the exhaust of the counselor's Chevy.

-- David Letterman

1683
Signs you're at a bad summer camp... The water level of the lake rises whenever someone flushes the toilet.

-- David Letterman

1684
Drama: what literature does at night.

-- George Nathan

1685
Economics:
The science of telling you things you've known all your life, but in a language you can't understand.

-- Rep. Dick Armey

1686
Perfectionist:
A person who takes great pains... and gives them to others

-- Unknown

1687
Ectasy: Discovering a second layer of chocolate under the first.

-- Bill Lyon in Philadelphia Inquirer

1688
Buying stock is exactly the same thing as going to a casino, only with no cocktail service.

-- Ted Allen in Esquire

1689
Thinking is what a great many people think they're doing when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

-- William James

1690
In a conversation, keep in mind that you're more interested in what you have to say than anyone else is.

-- Andy Rooney

1691
Discipline without freedom is tyranny; Freedom without discipline is chaos.

-- Cullen Hightower

1692
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when...

You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

-- Unknown

1693
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when...

When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

-- Unknown

1694
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when...

When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

-- Unknown

1695
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when...

When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.

-- Unknown

1696
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when...

When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.

-- Unknown

1697
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when...

When happy hour is a nap.

-- Unknown

1698
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when...

When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

-- Unknown

1699
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when...

It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

-- Unknown

1700
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when...

When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

-- Unknown

To top of page

1701
Q. What is the state flower of New Jersye? A. Mildew

-- Unknown

1702
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when...

Your back goes out but you stay home.

-- Unknown

1703
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when...

At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

-- Unknown

1704
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when...

You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

-- Unknown

1705
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when...

You and your teeth don't sleep together.

-- Unknown

1706
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when...

You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

-- Unknown

1707
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when...

You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.

-- Unknown

1708
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when...

You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.

-- Unknown

1709
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when...

You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

-- Unknown

1710
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when...

You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.

-- Unknown

1711
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when...

Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.

-- Unknown

1712
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when...

It takes twice as long - to look half as good.

-- Unknown

1713
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when...

The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.

-- Unknown

1714
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when...

Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.

-- Unknown

1715
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when...

The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

-- Unknown

1716
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when...

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

-- Unknown

1717
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when...

Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr..

-- Unknown

1718
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when...

Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

-- Unknown

1719
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when...

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

-- Unknown

1720
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when...

Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

-- Unknown

1721
Sometimes getting a grip on your problems means knowing when to let go.

-- Ziggy comic

1722
Children do not always listen to their parents, but they never fail to imitate them.

-- James Baldwin

1723
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

-- Unknown

1724
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

-- Unknown

1725
On the other hand, you have different fingers.

-- Unknown

1726
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

-- Unknown

1727
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

-- Unknown

1728
I wish the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

-- Unknown

1729
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

-- Unknown

1730
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

-- Unknown

1731
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

-- Unknown

1732
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

-- Unknown

1733
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

-- Unknown

1734
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

-- Unknown

1735
Honk if you love peace and quiet.

-- Unknown

1736
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

-- Unknown

1737
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

-- Unknown

1738
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

-- Unknown

1739
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

-- Unknown

1740
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

-- Unknown

1741
Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.

-- Unknown

1742
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

-- Unknown

1743
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

-- Unknown

1744
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

-- Unknown

1745
Diplomacy ... the art of restraining power.

-- Henry Kissinger

1746
Windows multitasks, it can boot and crash at the same time.

-- Unknown

1747
Myth: Alligator shirts have alligators on them.
Truth: They crocodiles. Rene' Lacoste, a French tennis star known as Le Crocodile, invented them in the 1920's.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader".

1748
Myth: The sardine is a species of fish.
FACT: The word "sardine" actually refers to any breed of small fish, including herring and pilchard, that's been stuffed into a sardine can.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader".

1749
Myth: SOS stands for "Save Our Ship". Truth: It doesn't stand for anything. It was selected as a distress signal because it's easy to transmit in Morse code: 3 dots, 3 dashes, 3 dots.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader".

1750
Lets face it, English is a stupid language...

There is no egg in the eggplant,
no ham in the hamburger,
and neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England,
French fries were not invented in France.
Quicksand takes you down slowly, and,
boxing rings are square.

-- Unknown

1751
Thought for Today..
26% of (insert ethnic group here) can't read.
The other 92% can't do Math.

-- Unknown

1752
Thought for Today..
I have erased the thin line between genius and insanity.

-- Unknown

1753
Thought for Today..
Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell?

-- Unknown

1754
Thought for Today..
Burn the flag, but tie yourself to it first.

-- Unknown

1755
Lets face it, English is a stupid language...

A guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.

If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?

-- Unknown

1756
Lets face it, English is a stupid language...

If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what the heck does humanitarian eat!?

Why do people recite at a play yet play at a recital?

Why do people park on driveways and drive on parkways?

-- Unknown

1757
Lets face it, English is a stupid language...

When the stars are out they are visible.

When the lights are out they are invisible.

A house burns up as it burns down.

When I wind up my watch it starts but when I wind up this story it ends?

-- Unknown

1758
Lets face it, English is a stupid language...

Why is A person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives race car not called a racist?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

-- Unknown

1759
Myth: Your ears are the things you see on the side of your head.
Truth: Technically, the human ear is located inside the skull, and stops at the end of the ear canal. The parts you see are called the "pinnas".

-- Unknown

1760
Myth: The French poodle originated in France.
Truth: The breed was created in Germany around the 16th century.

-- Unknown

1761
Myth: Fortune cookies were invented in China.
Truth: They were invented in the United States in 1918 by Charles Jung,  a Chinese restaurant owner, to amuse customers while they waited for their food.

-- Unknown

1762

Just when you thought you knew everything...

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

-- Unknown

1763

Just when you thought you knew everything...

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

-- Unknown

1764

Just when you thought you knew everything...

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

-- Unknown

1765

Just when you thought you knew everything...

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

-- Unknown

1766

Just when you thought you knew everything...

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

-- Unknown

1767

Just when you thought you knew everything...

There are more chickens than people in the world.

-- Unknown

1768

Just when you thought you knew everything...

Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

-- Unknown

1769

Just when you thought you knew everything...

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched".

-- Unknown

1770

Just when you thought you knew everything...

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

-- Unknown

1771

Just when you thought you knew everything...

All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.

-- Unknown

1772

Just when you thought you knew everything...

No word in the English language rhymes with month,orange, silver, or purple.

-- Unknown

1773

Just when you thought you knew everything...

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

-- Unknown

1774

Just when you thought you knew everything...

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

-- Unknown

1775

Just when you thought you knew everything...

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

-- Unknown

1776

Just when you thought you knew everything...

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

-- Unknown

1777

Just when you thought you knew everything...

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

-- Unknown

1778

Just when you thought you knew everything...

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

-- Unknown

1779

Just when you thought you knew everything...

Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula".

-- Unknown

1780

Just when you thought you knew everything...

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

-- Unknown

1781

Just when you thought you knew everything...

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

-- Unknown

1782

Just when you thought you knew everything...

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

-- Unknown

1783

Just when you thought you knew everything...

In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

-- Unknown

1784

Just when you thought you knew everything...

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

-- Unknown

1785

Just when you thought you knew everything...

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank
Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life".

-- Unknown

1786

Just when you thought you knew everything...

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

-- Unknown

1787

Just when you thought you knew everything...

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

-- Unknown

1788

Just when you thought you knew everything...

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

-- Unknown

1789

Just when you thought you knew everything...

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

-- Unknown

1790

Just when you thought you knew everything...

The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

-- Unknown

1791

Just when you thought you knew everything...

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

-- Unknown

1792

Just when you thought you knew everything...

Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

-- Unknown

1793

Just when you thought you knew everything...

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

-- Unknown

1794

Just when you thought you knew everything...

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

-- Unknown

1795

Just when you thought you knew everything...

There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

-- Unknown

1796

Just when you thought you knew everything...

"Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

-- Unknown

1797
No matter how cynical you get,
it's impossible to keep up.

-- Lily Tomlin

1798
There will be sex after death;
we just won't be able to feel it.

-- Lily Tomlin

1799
The trouble with the rat race is that
even if you win, you're still a rat.

-- Lily Tomlin

1800
For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.

-- Lily Tomlin

To top of page

1801
If truth is beauty, how come no one
has their hair done in a library.

-- Lily Tomlin

1802
Why is it that when we talk to God, we're said to be praying
--but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?

-- Lily Tomlin

1803
The best mind altering drug is the truth.

-- Lily Tomlin

1804
I something's true, you don't have to believe in it.

-- Lily Tomlin

1805
You are what you think...Geez, that's frightening.

-- Lily Tomlin

1806
Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.

-- Lily Tomlin

1807
If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?

-- Lily Tomlin

1808
Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination.

-- Lily Tomlin

1809
We're all in this alone.

-- Lily Tomlin

1810
Our ability to delude ourselves may be an important survival tool.

-- Lily Tomlin

1811
Murphy's Law applied to Newton's: What goes up must come down... but don't expect it to land where you can find it.

-- Lily Tomlin

1812
Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.

-- Harry S. Truman

1813
Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to hear at the trial.

-- Sydney Biddle Barrows

1814
You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

-- Al Capone

1815
To succeed with to opposite sex, tell her you're impotent.
She can't wait to disprove it.

-- Cary Grant

1816
Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.

-- Gypsy Rose Lee

1817
Don't try to take on a new personality.
It doesn't work.

-- Richard Nixon

1818
Rise early. Work late. Strike oil.

-- J. Paul Getty

1819
What is worth doing is worth the trouble
of asking someone to do it.

-- Ambrose Bierce

1820
Marriage is a great institution, but
I'm not ready for an institution yet.

-- Mae West from "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1821
It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean.

-- Mae West from "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1822
She's the kind of girl who climbed
the ladder of success, wrong by wrong.

-- Mae West from "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1823
Between two evils, I always pick
the one I haven't tried before.

-- Mae West from "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1824
I generally avoid temptation
--unless I can't resist it.

-- Mae West from "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1825
It's not the men in my life that counts
--it's the life in my men.

-- Mae West from "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1826
He who hesitates is last.

-- Mae West from "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1827
When women go wrong, men go right after them.

-- Mae West from "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1828
Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.

-- Mae West from "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1829
I used to be Snow White...but I drifted.

-- Mae West from "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1830
I like two kinds of men--domestic and foreign.

-- Mae West from "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1831
A man in the house is worth two in the street.

-- Mae West from "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1832
He's the kind of man a woman would
have to marry to get rid of.

-- Mae West from "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1833
Brains are an asset...if you hide them.

-- Mae West from "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1834
When I'm good, I'm very good.
But when I'm bad I'm better.

-- Mae West from "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1835
I've always had a weakness for foreign affairs.

-- Mae West from "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1836
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...
but not downstairs.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1837
Charles Dickens always slept facing north.
He thought it improved his writing.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1838
Men get hiccups more often than women.
No one knows why.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1839
State of the union: The house where Thomas Jefferson
wrote most of the Declaration of Independence was torn
down and replaced with a hamburger stand.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1840
If you're an average American, you'll spend about
6 months of you life waiting at red lights.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1841
The average adult male shaves off a pound
of beard growth every 10 years.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1842
Musical note: A "Big Band" is any band with 10 or more musicians.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1843
The #1 use of gold in the United States: class rings.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1844
If you're of average weight, multiply it by 0.02
--that's how much your brain weighs.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1845
Chimpanzees lie a lot. How do scientists know?
They taught them sign language.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1846
Bathroom fact: Armadillos can be house broken.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1847
Humans are the only primates that don't have
pigment in the palms of their hands.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1848
The word "squaw" does not appear in any Native American language.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1849
Hamsters get their name from "Hamstern",
a German word that means "to hoard".

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1850
According to NASA, it's nearly impossible to shed tears in zero gravity.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1851
Rule of thumb: Nearly all boys grow
at least as tall as their mothers.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1852
US hens lay enough eggs in a year to circle the equator 100 times.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1853
Men gamblers bet more money when they bring their wives.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1854
On target: When a male camel spits at something,
it aims for the eyes.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1855
The Pacific Ocean covers more of the Earth's surface
than all the continents combined.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1856
More collect calls are made on Father's Day
than on any other day of the year.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1857
If you pet your pig, it will have a larger litter.
Pigs, like people, respond to kindness.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1858
Calorie counting? People who work at night
tend to weigh more than people who don't.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1859
Who believes in Santa? Studies show more
4-year-olds than any other age group.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1860
States with the three highest divorce rates:
Arkansas, Wyoming, and Tennessee, in that order.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1861
There are an average of 178 seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1862
Heavy thought: The world's termites outweigh
the world's humans 10 to 1.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1863
When do shoplifters take the most stuff?
Between 3PM and 6PM on Friday and Sunday.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1864
Eagles see better than humans on clear days;
humans see better than eagles on foggy days.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1865
Poll results: 24% of Americans say the world
"was in better shape a thousand years ago".

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1866
Hoosier pride: Kentucky Fried Chicken's Col. Sanders
was actually born in Indiana.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1867
Hard to swallow: 9% of the world's ostriches
suffer from eating disorders.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1868
The average bra is designed to last for only 180 days of use.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1869
John Heisman (of trophy fame) also coined the word "hike" and split football games into 4 quarters.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1870
"Tug of war" was an Olympic event between 1900 and 1920.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1871
How many hairs on your head?
If you're blonde, about 150,000;
brunette, 100,000; redhead, 60,000

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1872
While performing her duties as queen,
Cleopatra sometimes wore a fake beard.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1873
The US government spent $277,000 on "pickle research" in 1993.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1874
If you're a healthy, full-grown adult,
your thigh bones are stronger than concrete.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1875
Thomas Edison invented wax paper.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1876
When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle,
it travels at a rate of 25 miles per hour.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1877
First American to have plumbing installed in his home:
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, 1840.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1878
The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung,
used by Egyptians in 2000 BC.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1879
Starfish ahve eight eyes--one at the end of each leg.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1880
In 1980, the yellow pages accidentally listed
a Texas funeral home under Frozen Foods.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1881
The first sound recording ever made was "Mary Had a
Little Lamb", by Thomas Edison in 1877.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1882
Genghis Khan's calvary rode female horses.
Why? So soldiers could drink their milk.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1883
On an average day, 102 people visit the
Dr. Pepper Museum in Waco, Texas.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1884
In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch
mice without a hunting license.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1885
The largest painting on earth is a 72,437 square foot smiley face.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1886
There are only two places in the world where
men outlive women: southern Asia and Iran.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1887
At this moment, nearly 2,000 thunderstorms
are taking place around the world.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1888
Dr. Seuss coined the word "nerd" in his 1950 book "If I Ran the Zoo".

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1889
Where does the word "condom" come from?
Dr. Charles Condom (1630-1685).

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1890
Sound familiar? Gorillas stick out their tongues when they're angry.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1891
The heaviest dog on record was a St. Bernard that weighed 310 pounds.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1892
According to Playboy magazine, 99% of cat
and dog owners talk to their pets.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1893
Traffic report: Accidents rise 10% in the first week
of daylight savings time.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1894
Iceland consumes more Coca Cola per capita than
any other nation on earth.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1895
Kitty litter: 3,000 out of every 3,001 calico kittens
are born females.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1896
Only about a third of "Gilligan's Island" episodes
are actually about getting off the island.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1897
It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather
for a year's supply of footballs.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1898
Thirty-five per cent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1899
The first novel ever written on a typewriter was "
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer".

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1900
Stage fright: According to tradition, it's bad luck to
say "MacBeth" in a theater.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

To top of page

1901
The average caterpillar has 2,000 muscles in its body.
The average human, less than 700.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1902
Best selling candy bar in Russia: Snickers.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1903
Restroom tip: The first stall is usually the cleanest.
Most people, seeking privacy, skip it.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1904
In their first year of life, puppies grow 10 times
faster than human infants do.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1905
Placed end to end, the bad checks Americans write
in one year would stretch 35,500 miles.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1906
The top six reasons for being late to work:
1) traffic,
2) oversleeping,
3) procrastinating,
4) household chores,
5) car problems,
6) having sex.

-- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"

1907
Ride a bus. Find money. Get tatoo removed.

-- SEPTA bus bumper sticker

1908
Ride a bus. Find money. Get liposuction.

-- SEPTA bus bumper sticker

1909
"I'll not listen to reason.
Reason is always what someone else has got to say."

-- Elizabeth C. Gaskell

1910
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

-- Unknown

1911
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.

-- Unknown

1912
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke
at the dinner table in front of her kids.

-- Unknown

1913
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

You've been married three times and still
have the same in-laws.

-- Unknown

1914
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

-- Unknown

1915
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

-- Unknown

1916
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

-- Unknown

1917
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

-- Unknown

1918
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

-- Unknown

1919
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.

-- Unknown

1920
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

Your wife yells at you to remove the engine block
from the bathroom so she can use the tub.

-- Unknown

1921
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

Your idea of saying no to crack means pulling up your pants.

-- Unknown

1922
I'll speak for the man or against him,
whichever will do the most good.

-- Richard Nixon

1923
When the president does it, that means is is not illegal.

-- Richard Nixon

1924
Call it paranoia, but paranoia for peace isn't that bad.

-- Richard Nixon

1925

English weirdness..

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which you fill in a form by filling it out.

-- Unknown

1926

English weirdness..

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

-- Unknown

1927

English weirdness..

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

-- Unknown

1928

English weirdness..

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one (or oneteen)?

-- Unknown

1929

English weirdness..

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

-- Unknown

1930

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

-- Unknown

1931

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

-- Unknown

1932
If people from Poland are called "Poles", why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?

-- Unknown

1933

English weirdness..

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which of course isn't a race at all).

-- Unknown

1934

Thought for Today:

We are the most powerful planet on earth.

-- Dan Quayle

1935

Thought for Today:

Q: What do you call a Yugo with twin tail pipes?
A: A wheelbarrow.

-- Unknown

1936

Answers to life's important questions..

Q: What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
A: Dam!

-- Unknown

1937

Answers to life's important questions..

Q: What do eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids.

-- Unknown

1938

Answers to life's important questions..

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A: A stick.

-- Unknown

1939

Answers to life's important questions..

Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A: Nacho cheese.

-- Unknown

1940

Answers to life's important questions..

Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate clauses.

-- Unknown

1941

Answers to life's important questions..

Q: What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
A: Quattro sinko.

-- Unknown

1942

Answers to life's important questions..

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.

-- Unknown

1943

Answers to life's important questions..

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

-- Unknown

1944

Answers to life's important questions..

Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.

-- Unknown

1945

Answers to life's important questions..

Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: Right where you left it.

-- Unknown

1946

Answers to life's important questions..

Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.

-- Unknown

1947

Answers to life's important questions..

Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A: Because it scares the dog.

-- Unknown

1948

Answers to life's important questions..

Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
A: Sanka.

-- Unknown

1949

Answers to life's important questions..

Q: What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The location of the dirt bag.

-- Unknown

1950

Answers to life's important questions..

Q: Why does a pilgram's pants always fall down?
A: Because they wear their buckle on their hat.

-- Unknown

1951

Answers to life's important questions..

Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.

-- Unknown

1952

Answers to life's important questions..

Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it.
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: Tame way, unique up on it.

-- Unknown

1953
Answers to life's important questions.
Q: How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

-- Unknown

1954
Thought for Today:
Show off:
A child who is more talented than yours.

-- Unknown

1955
Answers to life's important questions..
Q: What do you call sky diving lawyers?
A: Skeet.

-- Unknown

1956
Answers to life's important questions..
Q: What goes "clop, clop, clop; bang, bang; clop, clop, clop?
A: An Amish drive by shooting.

-- Unknown

1957
Thought for Today:
Do Infants have as much fun in Infancy as Adults in Adultery?

-- Unknown

1958
I hear that the Russians are going to send another woman to the space station. She weighs less than a dishwasher.

-- Unknown

1959
A nation which despises its soldiers will all too soon have a despicable army.

-- Jerry Pournelle

1960
Windows-95 is a 32 bit extension and graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

-- Unknown

1961
We cannot judge it before it is concluded, and we cannot judge it even after it has been concluded.

-- Richard Nixon

1962
You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.

-- Unknown

1963

DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS...

AMNESIA:
Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.

-- Unknown

1964

DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS...

DUMBWAITER:
One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

-- Unknown

1965

DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS...

FULL NAME:
What you call your child when you're mad at him.

-- Unknown

1966

DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS...

FEEDBACK:
The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

-- Unknown

1967

DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS...

FAMILY PLANNING:
The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

-- Unknown

1968

DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS...

GRANDPARENTS:
The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

-- Unknown

1969

DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS...

HEARSAY:
What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

-- Unknown

1970

DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS...

IMPREGNABLE:
A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

-- Unknown

1971

DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS...

INDEPENDENT:
How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

-- Unknown

1972

DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS...

OW:
The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

-- Unknown

1973

DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS...

PUDDLE:
A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

-- Unknown

1974

DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS...

STERILIZE:
What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

-- Unknown

1975

DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS...

TOP BUNK:
Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

-- Unknown

1976

DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS...

TWO MINUTE WARNING:
When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

-- Unknown

1977

DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS...

VERBAL:
Able to whine in words.

-- Unknown

1978

DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS...

WHODUNIT:
None of the kids that live in your house.

-- Unknown

1979

I've learned....

that when you're in love, it shows.

-- Andy Rooney

1980

I've learned....

that just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!"makes my day.

-- Andy Rooney

1981

I've learned....

that having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

-- Andy Rooney

1982

I've learned....

that being kind is more important than being right.

-- Andy Rooney

1983

I've learned....

that you should never say no to a gift from a child.

-- Andy Rooney

1984

I've learned....

that I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help in some other way.

-- Andy Rooney

1985

I've learned....

that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

-- Andy Rooney

1986

I've learned....

that sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

-- Andy Rooney

1987

I've learned....

that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

-- Andy Rooney

1988

I've learned....

that money doesn't buy class.

-- Andy Rooney

1989

I've learned....

that it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

-- Andy Rooney

1990

I've learned....

that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved

-- Andy Rooney

1991

I've learned....

that the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

-- Andy Rooney

1992

I've learned....

that to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

-- Andy Rooney

1993

I've learned....

that when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

-- Andy Rooney

1994

I've learned....

that love, not time, heals all wounds.

-- Andy Rooney

1995

I've learned....

that the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

-- Andy Rooney

1996

I've learned....

that everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

-- Andy Rooney

1997

I've learned....

that there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.

-- Andy Rooney

1998

I've learned....

that no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

-- Andy Rooney

1999

I've learned....

that life is tough, but I'm tougher.

-- Andy Rooney

2000

I've learned....

that opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

-- Andy Rooney

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