Quotes...The Second Thousand
From The Whole List
1001
Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get
summers off and very few employers are interested in
helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
-- Bill Gates
1002
Television is NOT real life. In real life people
actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
-- Bill Gates
1003
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
-- Bill Gates
1004
When you absolutely, positively have to have it destroyed overnight...the Marines
-- From a bumper sticker.
1005
Female comebacks...
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.
-- Unknown
1006
Female comebacks...
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
-- Unknown
1007
Female comebacks...
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
-- Unknown
1008
Female comebacks...
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
-- Unknown
1009
Female comebacks...
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
-- Unknown
1010
Female comebacks...
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
-- Unknown
1011
Because Windows was not properly shut down,
one or more of your disk drives may have errors on it.
To avoid seeing this message again,
use Linux!
-- jgm
1012
You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown
-- In tribute to Charles Schulz
1013
Happiness is a warm puppy.
-- Charles Schulz
1014
Good grief!
-- Charles Schulz
1015
It was a dark and stormy night...
-- Charles Schulz
1016
Rats!
-- Charles Schulz
1017
Isn't it amazing how you have no control over your real life?
-- Charles Schulz
1018
We're all senile; it's just a matter of degree.
-- Unknown
1019
Microsoft's approach has always been to
sell to Dilbert's boss, not to Dilbert.
-- Dan Kusnetsky
1020
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust,
and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
-- Unknown
1021
I've learned that we are responsible
for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
-- Unknown
1022
I've learned that sometimes the people
you expect to kick you when you're
down will be the ones who do.
-- Unknown
1023
I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad
friends because their dysfunction
makes us feel better about ourselves.
-- Unknown
1024
I've learned that no matter how you try
to protect your children, they will eventually
get arrested and end up in the local paper.
-- Unknown
1025
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes
because I know I'm not dumb ....
and I also know that I'm not blonde.
-- Dolly Parton
1026
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women,
but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
-- Erica Jong
1027
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
-- Wendy Liebman
1028
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
-- Erma Bombeck
1029
If high heels were so wonderful,
men would still be wearing them.
-- Sue Grafton
1030
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-- Roseanne Barr
1031
I think-therefore I'm single.
-- Lizz Winstead
1032
When women are depressed they
either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country.
-- Elayne Boosler
1033
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-- Maryon Pearson
1034
I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
-- Gilda Radner
1035
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man;
if you want anything done, ask a woman.
-- Margaret Thatcher
1036
I never married because there was no need.
I have three pets at home which answer
the same purpose as a husband.
I have a dog that growls every morning,
a parrot that swears all afternoon,
and a cat that comes home late at night
-- Marie Corelli
1037
Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
-- Baroness Edith-Summerskill
1038
If men can run the world,
why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by
tying a little noose around your neck?
-- Linda Ellerbee
1039
I am a marvelous housekeeper.
Every time I leave a man
I keep his house.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
1040
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
1041
A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable
but more useful than a life spent in doing nothing.
-- George Bernard Shaw
1042
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
-- Unknown
1043
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
2. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
-- Unknown
1044
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
-- Unknown
1045
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
-- Unknown
1046
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
-- Unknown
1047
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
-- Unknown
1048
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
3. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
-- Unknown
1049
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
-- Unknown
1050
REMEMBER WHEN...
Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a slingshot.
-- Unknown
1051
REMEMBER WHEN...
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
-- Unknown
1052
REMEMBER WHEN...
No shopping trip was complete, unless a new toy was brought home.
-- Unknown
1053
REMEMBER WHEN...
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to
ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
-- Unknown
1054
REMEMBER WHEN...
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
-- Unknown
1055
REMEMBER WHEN...
Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare".
-- Unknown
1056
REMEMBER WHEN...
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
-- Unknown
1057
REMEMBER WHEN...
Dad was the strongest man alive.
-- Unknown
1058
REMEMBER WHEN...
Nobody was prettier than Mom.
-- Unknown
1059
REMEMBER WHEN...
It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event.
-- Unknown
1060
REMEMBER WHEN...
It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.
-- Unknown
1061
REMEMBER WHEN...
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
-- Unknown
1062
REMEMBER WHEN...
The net on a tennis court was the perfect height
to play volleyball and rules didn't matter.
-- Unknown
1063
REMEMBER WHEN...
Being old, referred to anyone over 20.
-- Unknown
1064
REMEMBER WHEN...
It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
-- Unknown
1065
REMEMBER WHEN...
Catching fireflies happily occupied an entire evening.
-- Unknown
1066
REMEMBER WHEN...
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly".
-- Unknown
1067
REMEMBER WHEN...
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
-- Unknown
1068
REMEMBER WHEN...
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over"!
-- Unknown
1069
REMEMBER WHEN...
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo".
-- Unknown
1070
Always be the first to forgive; and forgive yourself first always.
-- Dan Zadra
1071
Humorous quotes transmit wisdom.
-- Jim Mixson
1072
REMEMBER WHEN...
"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
-- Unknown
1073
REMEMBER WHEN...
Spinning around, getting dizzy and
falling down was cause for giggles.
-- Unknown
1074
REMEMBER WHEN...
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
-- Unknown
1075
REMEMBER WHEN...
War was a card game.
-- Unknown
1076
REMEMBER WHEN...
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
-- Unknown
1077
REMEMBER WHEN...
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
-- Unknown
1078
REMEMBER WHEN...
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable Flinstone vitamins.
-- Unknown
1079
REMEMBER WHEN...
Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
-- Unknown
1080
REMEMBER WHEN...
Older siblings were the worst tormentors,
but also the fiercest protectors.
-- Unknown
1081
State Motto of Alabama:
Yes, We Have Electricity
-- Unknown
1082
State motto of Alaska:
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
-- Unknown
1083
State motto of Arizona:
But It's a Dry Heat
-- Unknown
1084
State motto of Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthing
-- Unknown
1085
State motto of California:
Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
-- Unknown
1086
State motto of Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
-- Unknown
1087
State motto of Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.
-- Unknown
1088
State motto of Delaware:
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
-- Unknown
1089
State motto of Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids
-- Unknown
1090
State motto of Georgia:
We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
-- Unknown
1091
State motto of Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
<Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money>
-- Unknown
1092
State motto of Idaho:
More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not,
But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
-- Unknown
1093
State motto of Illinois:
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
-- Unknown
1094
State motto of Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
-- Unknown
1095
State motto of Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
-- Unknown
1096
State motto of Kansas:
First Of The Rectangle States
-- Unknown
1097
State motto of Kentucky:
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
-- Unknown
1098
State motto of Louisiana:
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign
-- Unknown
1099
State motto of Maine:
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
-- Unknown
1100
State motto of Maryland:
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
-- Unknown
To top of page
1101
State motto of Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
(For Most Tax Brackets)
-- Unknown
1102
State motto of Michigan:
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
-- Unknown
1103
State motto of Minnesota:
10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
-- Unknown
1104
State motto of Mississippi:
Come Feel Better About Your Own State
-- Unknown
1105
State motto of Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
-- Unknown
1106
State motto of Montana:
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber,
Right-Wing Crazies, & Very Little Else
-- Unknown
1107
State motto of Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
-- Unknown
1108
State motto of New Hampshire:
Go Away And Leave Us Alone
-- Unknown
1109
State motto of Neveda is censored
-- Unknown
1110
State motto of New Jersey:
You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer
##$%##! Motto Right Here!
-- Unknown
1111
State motto of New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
-- Unknown
1112
State motto of New York:
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right To An Attorney...
-- Unknown
1113
State motto of North Carolina:
Tobacco Is A Vegetable
-- Unknown
1114
State motto of North Dakota:
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
-- Unknown
1115
State motto of Ohio:
At Least We're Not Michigan
-- Unknown
1116
State motto of Oklahoma:
Like The Play, Only No Singing
-- Unknown
1117
State motto of Oregon:
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
-- Unknown
1118
State motto of Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal
-- Unknown
1119
State motto of Rhode Island:
We're Not REALLY An Island
-- Unknown
1120
State motto of South Carolina:
Remember The Civil War?
We Didn't Actually Surrender
-- Unknown
1121
State motto of South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota
-- Unknown
1122
State motto of Tennessee:
The Educashun State
-- Unknown
1123
State motto of Texas:
Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)
-- Unknown
1124
State motto of Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
-- Unknown
1125
State motto of Vermont:
Yep
-- Unknown
1126
State motto of Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs
And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
-- Unknown
1127
State motto of Washington:
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
-- Unknown
1128
State motto of Washington, DC:
Wanna Be Mayor?
-- Unknown
1129
State motto of West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family...Really!
-- Unknown
1130
State motto of Wisconsin:
Come Cut The Cheese
-- Unknown
1131
State motto of Wyoming is censored.
-- Unknown
1132
Examine what is said, not him who speaks.
-- Arabian Proverb
1133
Learn as much by writing as by reading.
-- Lord Acton
1134
He who is not very strong in memory should not meddle with lying.
-- Michel de Montaigne
1135
Ultimately, the only power to which man should
aspire is that which he exercises over himself.
-- Elie Wiesel
1136
If you don't want your dog to have bad breath,
do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.
-- Jay Leno
1137
In God we trust, all others are suspects.
-- Unknown
1138
Life's tough. It's tougher if you're stupid.
-- Unknown
1139
From Mom's Dictionary...
AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a
1-year-old to eat strained beets.
-- Unknown
1140
From Mom's Dictionary...
APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which
children will trade for cupcakes.
-- Unknown
1141
From Mom's Dictionary...
BABY:
1) Dad, when he gets a cold.
2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.
-- Unknown
1142
From Mom's Dictionary...
BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family,
believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
-- Unknown
1143
From Mom's Dictionary...
BECAUSE: Mom's reason for having kids do
things which can't be explained logically.
-- Unknown
1144
From Mom's Dictionary...
BED & BREAKFAST: Two things the kids
will never make for themselves.
-- Unknown
1145
From Mom's Dictionary...
CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation
where Mom always winds up going the furtherest
with the biggest bunch of kids
who have had the most sugar.
-- Unknown
1146
From Mom's Dictionary...
COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa
cushions after the kids eat dinner.
-- Unknown
1147
From Mom's Dictionary...
DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy
worrying about the kids in a different setting.
-- Unknown
1148
From Mom's Dictionary...
DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.
-- Unknown
1149
From Mom's Dictionary...
DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR.".
-- Unknown
1150
From Mom's Dictionary...
EAR: A place where kids store dirt.
-- Unknown
1151
From Mom's Dictionary...
ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an
oversupply of until asked to do something.
-- Unknown
1152
From Mom's Dictionary...
EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which,
according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything
from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.
-- Unknown
1153
From Mom's Dictionary...
FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer
to the question, "What's for dinner tonight?
" See "SARCASM"
-- Unknown
1154
From Mom's Dictionary...
GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.
-- Unknown
1155
From Mom's Dictionary...
HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded
by, but not containing, dirty clothing.
-- Unknown
1156
From Mom's Dictionary...
HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirtsleeves, drapes, etc.
-- Unknown
1157
From Mom's Dictionary...
HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
-- Unknown
1158
From Mom's Dictionary...
ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found
in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled
the things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.
-- Unknown
1159
From Mom's Dictionary...
JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just
about any occasion, including church and funerals.
-- Unknown
1160
From Mom's Dictionary...
JUNK: Dad's stuff.
-- Unknown
1161
From Mom's Dictionary...
KISS: Mom medicine.
-- Unknown
1162
From Mom's Dictionary...
LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where
Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons,
and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers
and ice for kids who sit there for three
to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.
-- Unknown
1163
From Mom's Dictionary...
MAYBE: No.
-- Unknown
1164
From Mom's Dictionary...
OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath
night for kids, assorted pets, two
or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats,
cars and animals.
-- Unknown
1165
From Mom's Dictionary...
OPEN: The position of children's mouths
when they eat in front of company.
-- Unknown
1166
From Mom's Dictionary...
OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.
-- Unknown
1167
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Falling in love.
-- Unknown
1168
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Laughing so hard your face hurts.
-- Unknown
1169
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
A hot shower.
-- Unknown
1170
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
A bubble bath.
-- Unknown
1171
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Giggling.
-- Unknown
1172
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
A good conversation.
-- Unknown
1173
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
The beach.
-- Unknown
1174
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Finding a $20 bill in your coat from last winter.
-- Unknown
1175
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Laughing at yourself.
-- Unknown
1176
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
-- Unknown
1177
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Running through sprinklers.
-- Unknown
1178
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
-- Unknown
1179
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
-- Unknown
1180
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Laughing at an inside joke.
-- Unknown
1181
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Friends.
-- Unknown
1182
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Falling in love for the first time.
-- Unknown
1183
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
-- Unknown
1184
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
-- Unknown
1185
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Your first kiss.
-- Unknown
1186
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
-- Unknown
1187
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Playing with a new puppy.
-- Unknown
1188
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Late night talks with your roommate that keep you from sleeping.
-- Unknown
1189
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Having someone play with your hair.
-- Unknown
1190
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Sweet dreams.
-- Unknown
1191
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Hot chocolate.
-- Unknown
1192
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Road trips with friends.
-- Unknown
1193
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Watching a good movie cuddled up on
a couch with someone you love.
-- Unknown
1194
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree
while eating cookies and drinking eggnog.
-- Unknown
1195
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so
you can sing along without feeling stupid.
-- Unknown
1196
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Going to a really good concert.
-- Unknown
1197
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Getting butterflies in your stomach
every time you see that one person.
-- Unknown
1198
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
-- Unknown
1199
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Winning a really competitive game.
-- Unknown
1200
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Making chocolate chip cookies!
-- Unknown
To top of page
1201
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Having your friends send you homemade cookies!
-- Unknown
1202
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Spending time with close friends!
-- Unknown
1203
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends...
-- Unknown
1204
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Hugging the person you love.
-- Unknown
1205
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Watching the expression someone's face as
they open a much-desired present from you.
-- Unknown
1206
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Watching the sunrise.
-- Unknown
1207
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Getting out of bed every morning and
thanking God for another beautiful day.
-- Unknown
1208
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Many people will walk in and out of your
life, but only true friends will
leave a footprint in your heart.
-- Unknown
1209
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Swinging on swings.
-- Unknown
1210
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Holding hands with someone you care about.
-- Unknown
1211
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Running into an old friend and realizing
that some things (good or bad) never change.
-- Unknown
1212
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Discovering that love is unconditional and stronger than time.
-- Unknown
1213
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE...
Riding the best roller coasters over and over.
-- Unknown
1214
Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me,
but deep down I know that's not true.
Some of the smaller countries are neutral.
-- Robert Orben
1215
Politics should be limited in scope to war, protection
of property, and the occasional
precautionary beheading of a member of the ruling class..
-- P. J. O'Rourke
1216
When you're at peace with yourself, any place is home.
-- From a poster
1217
A mind is like a parachute.
It works best when open.
-- From a poster
1218
A good education is the doorway to opportunity.
A positive attitude is the stairway to success.
-- From a poster
1219
A good angle to approach any problem
is the try-angle.
-- From a poster
1220
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
-- Unknown
1221
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
-- Unknown
1222
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
-- Unknown
1223
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
-- Unknown
1224
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
16. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
-- Unknown
1225
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
17. War Dims Hope for Peace
-- Unknown
1226
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
-- Unknown
1227
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
-- Unknown
1228
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
-- Unknown
1229
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
-- Unknown
1230
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
-- Unknown
1231
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
-- Unknown
1232
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
24. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
-- Unknown
1233
25 BEST (WORST?) NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999...
25. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
-- Unknown
1234
Success comes in 'cans' not 'cannots'.
-- Unknown
1235
To settle an argument, think about
WHAT'S right not WHO'S right.
-- Unknown
1236
Improvement begins with ' I '.
-- Unknown
1237
The only thing that feels better than finding a
long lost relative is finding your long lost dog.
-- Marilyn vos Savant
1238
I time really heals all wounds,
I should be cured by now.
-- Laugh Parade
1239
Caring is the No. 1 life skill.
Being a caring person makes a difference.
-- Barbara Stryker, Principal
1240
Few things are harder to put up with than
the annoyance of a good example.
-- Mark Twain
1241
It is better to deserve honors and not have them than it is
to have honors and not deserve them.
-- Mark Twain
1242
You're getting old when you don't care where your
spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
-- Unknown
1243
Statistics show that at the age of seventy,
there are five women to every man. Isn't
that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?
-- Unknown
1244
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
-- Unknown
1245
By the time a man is wise enough to watch
his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Unknown
1246
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both
ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
-- Unknown
1247
Someone has described heaven as a family reunion
that never ends. What could hell possibly be like?
Home videos of the same reunion?
-- Unknown
1248
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned
to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
-- Unknown
1249
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations
and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
-- Unknown
1250
You know you're into middle age when you realize
that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
-- Unknown
1251
Don't worry about avoiding temptation.
As you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Unknown
1252
The aging process could be slowed down if it had
to work its way through the U.S. Congress.
-- Unknown
1253
You're getting old when "getting lucky" means
you find your car in the parking lot.
-- Unknown
1254
You're getting old when you wake up with that
morning-after feeling, and you didn't do
anything the night before.
-- Unknown
1255
Microsoft: The Evil Empire.
-- Scott McNealy, Sun CEO
1256
Windows: The hairball on the desktop.
-- Scott McNealy, Sun CEO
1257
The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world
will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel
good about yourself.
-- Bill Gates
1258
The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.
-- Dudley Moore
1259
To acquire knowledge, one must study;
but to acquire wisdom, one must observe.
-- Marilyn Vos Savant
1260
PARENTS hold their children's hands for a while,
but their hearts forever.
-- From a plaque
1261
Expedients are for the hour, but principles are for the ages.
-- Harry Hard Beecher, clergyman
1262
Men of principle are sure to be bold,
but those who are bold may not always
be men of principle..
-- Confucius, philosopher
1263
It is often easier to fight for principles
than to live up to them.
-- Adlai Stevenson, politician
1264
Believe that life is worth living,
and your belief will create the fact.
-- William James, psychologist
1265
By talking to strangers outside your field,
you'll get the kind of creativefiber
you can't get from your breakfast cereal.
-- Michael Michalko, writer on innovation
1266
The wages of the righteous bring them life but the
income of the wicked brings them punishment.
-- Proverbs 3:16 (NIV)
1267
When one door closes, another door opens;
but we often look so long and so
regretfully upon the closed door,
that we do not see the ones which open for us.
-- Alexander Graham Bell, inventor
1268
Drink deeply from good books.
-- John Wooden
1269
The time to make friends is before you need them.
-- John Wooden
1270
Help others.
-- John Wooden
1271
The best thing a father can do for his children is
to love their mother.
-- John Wooden
1272
When I'm through learning, I'm through.
-- John Wooden
1273
Many people will walk in and out of your life,
But only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
1274
To handle yourself, use your head;
To handle others, use your heart.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
1275
Anger is only one letter short of danger.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
1276
If someone betrays you once, it is his fault;
If he betrays you twice, it is your fault.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
1277
Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
1278
He who loses money, loses much;
He, who loses a friend, loses much more;
He, who loses faith, loses all.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
1279
Beautiful young people are accidents of nature,
But beautiful old people are works of art.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
1280
Learn from the mistakes of others.
You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
1281
You know you're old when:
You wear black socks with sandals.
-- Unknown
1282
You know you're old when:
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
-- Unknown
1283
You know you're old when:
You can't remember the last time you laid
on the floor to watch television.
-- Unknown
1284
You know you're old when:
Your ears are hairier than your head.
-- Unknown
1285
You know you're old when:
You can go bowling without drinking.
-- Unknown
1286
You know you're old when:
You take a metal detector to the beach.
-- Unknown
1287
You know you're old when:
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
-- Unknown
1288
You know you're old when:
You send money to PBS.
-- Unknown
1289
You know you're old when:
You have a dream about prunes.
-- Unknown
1290
You know you're old when:
Neighbors borrow your tools.
-- Unknown
1291
You know you're old when:
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
-- Unknown
1292
You know you're old when:
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
-- Unknown
1293
You know you're old when:
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
-- Unknown
1294
You know you're old when:
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
-- Unknown
1295
You know you're old when:
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
-- Unknown
1296
You know you're old when:
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
-- Unknown
1297
You know you're old when:
You sing along with the elevator music.
-- Unknown
1298
You know you're old when:
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
-- Unknown
1299
You know you're old when:
Your best friend is dating someone half
their age and isn't breaking any laws.
-- Unknown
1300
You know you're old when:
You are proud of your lawn mower.
-- Unknown
To top of page
1301
You know you're old when:
You can live without sex
but not without glasses.
-- Unknown
1302
You know you're old when:
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
-- Unknown
1303
You know you're old when:
You quit trying to hold your stomach in,
no matter who walks into the room.
-- Unknown
1304
You know you're old when:
Your back goes out more than you do.
-- Unknown
1305
You know you're old when:
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
-- Unknown
1306
You know you're old when:
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
-- Unknown
1307
You know you're old when:
You answer a question with, "because I said so!"
-- Unknown
1308
You know you're old when:
You know what the word "equity" means.
-- Unknown
1309
You know you're old when:
You talk about "good grass"
and you're referring to someone's lawn.
-- Unknown
1310
You know you're old when:
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
-- Unknown
1311
You know you're old when:
You got cable for the weather channel. ("Old Folks MTV")
-- Unknown
1312
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world;
the unreasonable one persists in
trying to adapt the world to himself.
Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
-- George Bernard Shaw
1313
You know you live in a small town when.....
Third Street is on the edge of town.
-- Unknown
1314
You know you live in a small town when.....
You don't use your turn signals because
everyone knows where you're going.
-- Unknown
1315
You know you live in a small town when.....
A baby born on June 14 receives gifts from
local merchants as the first baby of the year.
-- Unknown
1316
You know you live in a small town when.....
You speak to each dog you pass by name and he wags his tail at you.
-- Unknown
1317
You know you live in a small town when.....
You dial a wrong number and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
-- Unknown
1318
You know you live in a small town when.....
You can't walk for exercise because every
car that passes you offers you a ride.
-- Unknown
1319
You know you live in a small town when.....
In order to paint traffic lines,
the road has to be widened.
-- Unknown
1320
You know you live in a small town when.....
The Mayor is also the Sheriff, Town Council and street sweeper.
-- Unknown
1321
You know you live in a small town when.....
There is no town idiot -- everybody has to take turns.
-- Unknown
1322
You know you live in a small town when.....
You can name everyone you graduated with.
-- Unknown
1323
You know you live in a small town when.....
You have to drive an hour to buy a pair of socks.
-- Unknown
1324
You know you live in a small town when.....
You get a whiff of manure and think of home.
-- Unknown
1325
You know you live in a small town when.....
You fix yourself up to go buy groceries
lest anyone starts the rumor that you have
gained weight or quit taking care of yourself.
-- Unknown
1326
You know you live in a small town when.....
Someone asks you how you feel and listens to what you say.
-- Unknown
1327
You know you live in a small town when.....
Friday nights fun consisted of standing in line
for the one-screen theater and when it is sold out,
watching truckers and drinking coffee at the truck
stop (the only place open after 10).
-- Unknown
1328
The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.
-- Unknown
1329
A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.
-- Unknown
1330
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
-- Unknown
1331
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
-- Unknown
1332
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
-- Unknown
1333
Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
-- Unknown
1334
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
-- Unknown
1335
I don't have a license to kill,
but I do have a learners permit.
-- Unknown
1336
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
-- Unknown
1337
Time is fun when you're having flies... Kermit the Frog
-- Unknown
1338
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is.
-- Unknown
1339
Toilet stolen from police station.
Cops have nothing to go on.
-- Unknown
1340
If you think there is good in everybody
then you obviously haven't met everybody.
-- Unknown
1341
All power corrupts.
Absolute power is kinda neat though.
-- Unknown
1342
If your feet smell & your nose runs,
you're built upside down.
-- Unknown
1343
Here I am!!! What are your other two wishes?
-- Unknown
1344
Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.
-- Unknown
1345
Confession is good for the soul,
but bad for your career.
-- Unknown
1346
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
-- Unknown
1347
Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.
-- Unknown
1348
Gun Control: Use both hands.
-- Unknown
1349
Remember: First you pillage, then you burn.
-- Unknown
1350
To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.
-- Unknown
1351
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
-- Unknown
1352
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
-- Unknown
1353
Half the people in the world are below average.
-- Unknown
1354
Failure is not an option.
It's bundled with your Windows software.
-- Unknown
1355
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
-- Unknown
1356
Strip mining prevents forest fires
-- Unknown
1357
I'm sure that sex is better than logic
but I can't prove it.
-- Unknown
1358
Arkansas State Motto: Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Laugh
-- Unknown
1359
A picture may be worth a thousand words,
but it uses up a thousand times more memory!
-- Unknown
1360
If a thing is worth doing,
wouldn't it have been done already?
-- Unknown
1361
Ham and Eggs: Just a day's work for a chicken,
but a lifetime commitment for a pig.
-- Unknown
1362
The easiest person to deceive is one's own self.
-- Edward Bulwer-Lytton
1363
We must exchange the philosophy of excuse...what I am is
beyond my control...for the philosophy of responsibility.
-- Barbara Jordan
1364
I am learning that if I just go on accepting the framework
for life that others have given me, if I fail to make my own
choices, the reason for my life will be missing. I will be
unable to recognize that which I have power to change.
-- Liv Ullman
1365
Destiny is not a matter of chance; it is a matter of choice.
It is not a thing to be waiting for;
it is a thing to be achieved.
-- William Jennings Bryan
1366
Take not of wasted affection;
affection never was wasted.
-- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
1367
No one will dare maintain that it is
better to do injustice than to bear it.
-- Aristotle
1368
The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold,
but man is tested by the praise he receives.
-- Proverbs 27:21 (NIV)
1369
Most smiles are started by another smile.
-- Unknown
1370
Everyone smiles in the same language.
-- From a poster
1371
| 100% - I did. | 40% - What is it? |
| 90% - I will. | 30% - I wish I could. |
| 80% - I can. | 20% - I don't know much. |
| 70% - I think I can. | 10% - I can't. |
| 60% - I might. | 0% - I won't. |
| 50% - I think I might. | |
-- From a poster
1372
Rules for learning: Listen carefully.
Exert yourself.
Aspire to achievement.
Reason well.
Nurture your interests and talents.
-- From a poster
1373
Clock:A mechanical device to wake up people who have no children.
-- Dick E. Bird News
1374
Conscience:The inner voice warning you that someone may be looking.
-- Dick E. Bird News
1375
Cynic:Someone who smells the flowers and looks for a casket.
-- Dick E. Bird News
1376
Experience:What you get when you don't get what you want.
-- Dick E. Bird News
1377
Federal law:Ten thousand books explaining the Ten Commandments.
-- Dick E. Bird News
1378
Happiness:Wanting what you get.
-- Dick E. Bird News
1379
Marriage:Getting used to a lot of things you least expected.
-- Dick E. Bird News
1380
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
-- Dave Barry
1381
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
-- George Carlin
1382
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
-- Marilyn Pittman
1383
My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
-- Paula Poundstone
1384
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:---- "Duh."
-- Conan O'Brien
1385
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize,"Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner!"
-- Lynda Montgomery
1386
The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.
-- Roseanne
1387
Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.
-- Paul Rodriguez
1388
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law.
-- Jerry Seinfeld
1389
In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
-- Warren Hutcherson
1390
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
-- Oscar Wilde
1391
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
-- Mae West
1392
Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain
1393
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
-- A. Whitney Brown
1394
Out of the mouths of babes...Learning is fun! If I didn't have to go to school, I could learn even more.-- Cheryl, age 10
1395
Out of the mouths of babes...Never learn how to do something yucky, like taking out the garbage.-- Glenn, age 7
1396
Out of the mouths of babes...My best skill No matter what anyone says to me, I just smile and show my dimples.-- Anita, age 11
1397
Out of the mouths of babes...Dont ever be too good in those subjects you hate.-- Karen, age 10
1398
Out of the mouths of babes...When the principal visits your class, your teacher will act real nice.-- Dinah, age 10
1399
Out of the mouths of babes...Never tell your parents that your class needs a chaperone. It will ruin your class trip.-- Tom, age 14
1400
Out of the mouths of babes...
The best skill to have? Keeping your eyes
open when you sleep in class.
-- Olivia, age 9
To top of page
1401
Out of the mouths of babes...
What important thing have I learned? Dont try to do your homework during TV commercials.
-- Leon, age 12
1402
Out of the mouths of babes...
When you get a bad grade in school, you need at
least a billion good grades to erase it.
-- Adrienne, age 13
1403
Out of the mouths of babes...
Never even try to get your dog to eat your homework.He wont do it, even if you smear liver on it!
-- Bob, age 13
1404
Out of the mouths of babes...
Never volunteer to be the first to read your composition.The teacher wont know how bad everyone elses is at that point.
-- Lauren, age 11
1405
Out of the mouths of babes...
Never tell your little sister that you're going to skip class today.
-- Linda, age 12
1406
Out of the mouths of babes...
Remember that even people as old as 19 can still learn,even though it takes them much longer.
-- Melody, age 8
1407
Out of the mouths of babes...
My mom says that 2 plus 2 equals 4.Nothing is always true, is it?
-- Jodie, age 7
1408
Out of the mouths of babes...
Stay away from people who want to teach yousomething for your own good.
-- Bill, age 9
1409
Out of the mouths of babes...
Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
-- Marsha, age 13
1410
Out of the mouths of babes...
Forget the cake; go for the icing.
-- Jenny, age 8
1411
Out of the mouths of babes...
Remember the two places you are always welcome,church and Grandmas house.
-- Kent, age 11
1412
Out of the mouths of babes...
When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
-- Ed, age 12
1413
Out of the mouths of babes...
Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
-- Ron, age 9
1414
Out of the mouths of babes...
Never smart off to a teacher whoseeyes and ears are twitching.
-- Brenda, age 9
1415
Dear God,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like
that or was it an accident?
-- Norma
1416
Dear God,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new
ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have now?
-- Jane
1417
Dear God,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
-- Nan
1418
Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church.
Is that okay?
-- Neil
1419
Dear God,
Thank you for my baby brother,
but what I prayed for was a puppy.
-- Joyce
1420
Dear God,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad!
He said some things about you that people are not
supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway.
-- Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am)
-- Anonymous!
1421
Dear God,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for
anything before. You can look it up.
-- Bruce
1422
Dear God,
I want to be just like my daddy when I get
big, but not with so much hair all over.
-- Sam
1423
Dear God,
I bet it is very hard for you to love all
the people in the world. There are only four
people in our family and I can never do it.
-- Nan
1424
Dear God,
Of all the people who worked for you,
I like Noah and David the best.
-- Rob
1425
Dear God,
My brothers told me about being born,
but it doesn't sound right.
They are just kidding, aren't they?
-- Marsha
1426
Dear God,
If you watch me in church Sunday,
I'll show you my new undies.
-- Mickey
1427
Dear God,
I do not think anybody could be a better God.
Well, I just want you to know that I am not
just saying this because you are God already.
-- Charles
1428
Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple
until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday.
That was cool!
-- Eugene
1429
Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other
so much if they had their own rooms.
It works with my brother.
-- Larry
1430
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
-- Unknown
1431
Real Rules To Live By...
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
-- Unknown
1432
Real Rules To Live By...
The journey of a thousand miles begins with
a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
-- Unknown
1433
Real Rules To Live By...
It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper,
that's the time to do it.
-- Unknown
1434
Real Rules To Live By...
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
-- Unknown
1435
Real Rules To Live By...
It may be that your sole purpose in life is
simply to serve as a warning to others.
-- Unknown
1436
Real Rules To Live By...
It is far more impressive when others discover
your good qualities without your help.
-- Unknown
1437
Real Rules To Live By...
If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.
-- Unknown
1438
Real Rules To Live By...
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
-- Unknown
1439
Real Rules To Live By...
If you lend someone $20, and
never see that person again;
it was probably worth it.
-- Unknown
1440
Real Rules To Live By...
Some days you are the bug;
some days you are the windshield.
-- Unknown
1441
Real Rules To Live By...
Don't squat with your spurs on.
-- Unknown
1442
Real Rules To Live By...
Good judgment comes from bad experience.
A lot of that comes from bad judgment.
-- Unknown
1443
Real Rules To Live By...
The quickest way to double your money
is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.
-- Unknown
1444
Real Rules To Live By...
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
-- Unknown
1445
Real Rules To Live By...
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
-- Unknown
1446
Real Rules To Live By...
Duct tape is like the force,
it has a light side and a dark side
and it holds the universe together.
-- Unknown
1447
Real Rules To Live By...
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't
get sucked into jet engines.
-- Unknown
1448
Real Rules To Live By...
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
-- Unknown
1449
Real Rules To Live By...
Generally speaking, you aren't learning
much when your mouth is moving.
-- Unknown
1450
Real Rules To Live By...
Before you criticize someone,
you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a
mile away and you have their shoes.
-- Unknown
1451
Real Rules To Live By...
Experience is something you don't get
until just after you need it.
-- Unknown
1452
Real Rules To Live By...
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
-- Unknown
1453
Real Rules To Live By...
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
-- Unknown
1454
There's a mighty big difference
between good, sound reasons and reasons that sound good.
-- Burton Hillis
1455
Leadership is action, not position.
-- Donald H. McGannon
1456
Few things help an individual more than to
place responsibility on him, and to let him
know that you trust him.
-- Booker T. Washington
1457
Every man goes down to his death bearing
in his hands only that which he has given away.
-- Persian Proverb
1458
Learn to reason forward and backward
on both sides of a question.
-- Unknown
1459
If you want to earn more than you get, you need
to be worth more than you are paid.
-- Unknown
1460
When your friends begin to flatter you on how
young you look, it's a sure sign you're growing old.
-- Mark Twain
1461
The mind of a bigot is like the pupil of the eye;
the more light you pour upon it the more it will contract.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
1462
Our faults irritate us most when we see them in others.
-- Pennsylvania Dutch Proverb
1463
Do not put your faith in what statistics say until you
have carefully considered what they do not say.
-- Unknown
1464
Never make a promise in haste.
-- Mahatma Gandhi
1465
Keep out of ruts: a rut is something which,
if traveled too much, becomes a ditch.
-- Arthur Guiterman
1466
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
-- Mark Twain
1467
It is not true that life is one damn thing after another.
It's one damn thing over and over.
-- Edna St. Vincent Millay
1468
If we believe absurdities we shall commit atrocities.
-- Voltaire
1469
The man who makes no mistakes does not
usually make anything.
-- William Conner Magee
1470
When people are free to do as they please, they
usually imitate each other.
-- Eric Hoffer
1471
The best cure for hypochondria is to forget about
your own body and get interested on someone else's.
-- Goodman Ace
1472
He that cannot forgive others, breaks the bridge over which
he must pass himself; for every man has need to be forgiven.
-- Thomas Fuller
1473
Nothing is so soothing to our self-esteem as to find
our bad traits in our forebears. It seems to absolve us.
-- Van Wyck Brooks
1474
When buying a used car, punch all the buttons on the radio.
If all the stations are rock and roll, there's a good
chance that the transmission is shot.
-- Unknown
1475
Tolerance is the greatest gift of the mind; it requires the
same effort of the brain that it takes to balance oneself on
a bicycle.
-- Helen Keller
1476
The best way to enjoy leisure is to work hard for it.
-- François, Duc de La Rochefoucauld
1477
The true Republic: men, their rights and nothing more;
women, their rights and nothing less.
-- Susan B. Anthony
1478
When nobody around you seems to measure up, it's
time to check your yardstick.
-- Unknown
1479
The man who has no inner life is the slave of his surroundings.
-- Henri Frédéric Amiel
1480
The right to be let alone is the most comprehensive of
rights and the right most valued in civilized man.
-- Louis D. Brandeis
1481
Meet success like a gentleman and disaster like a man.
-- Lord Birkenhead
1482
Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.
-- Don Herold
1483
When you cannot get a compliment any other way pay yourself one.
-- Mark Twain
1484
Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his moccasins.
-- American Indian Proverb
1485
The number of guests at dinner should not be less than
the number of the Graces nor exceed that of the Muses,
i.e., it should begin with three and stop at nine.
-- Varro, a Roman
1486
The self is not something ready-made, but something in
continuous formation through choice of action.
-- John Dewey
1487
Things I've learned from my kids...
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a
2000 square foot house 2 inches deep.
-- Unknown
1488
Things I've learned from my kids...
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them
with roller blades they can ignite.
-- Unknown
1489
Things I've learned from my kids...
A 3 year old's voice is louder than 200 adults
in a crowded resturant.
-- Unknown
1490
Things I've learned from my kids...
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor
is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underware
and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on
all four walls of a 20X20 foot room.
-- Unknown
1491
Things I've learned from my kids...
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
-- Unknown
1492
Things I've learned from my kids...
When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to
throw the ball up a few times to get a hit.
-- Unknown
1493
Things I've learned from my kids...
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
-- Unknown
1494
Things I've learned from my kids...
The glass in windows, even double pane,
doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
-- Unknown
1495
Things I've learned from my kids...
When you hear the toilet flush and the words
"Uh-oh", it's already too late.
-- Unknown
1496
Things I've learned from my kids...
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
-- Unknown
1497
Things I've learned from my kids...
A six year old can start a fire with flint rock even though a 36 year old
man says they can only do it in the movies.
-- Unknown
1498
Things I've learned from my kids...
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
-- Unknown
1499
Things I've learned from my kids...
Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4 year old.
-- Unknown
1500
Things I've learned from my kids...
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
-- Unknown
To top of page
1501
Things I've learned from my kids...
Super Glue is forever.
-- Unknown
1502
Things I've learned from my kids...
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool,
you still can't walk on water.
-- Unknown
1503
Things I've learned from my kids...
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
-- Unknown
1504
Things I've learned from my kids...
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials
show they do.
-- Unknown
1505
Things I've learned from my kids...
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
-- Unknown
1506
Things I've learned from my kids...
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
-- Unknown
1507
Things I've learned from my kids...
You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
-- Unknown
1508
Things I've learned from my kids...
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
-- Unknown
1509
Things I've learned from my kids...
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
-- Unknown
1510
Things I've learned from my kids...
The fire department in "your city goes here" has a 5 minute response time.
-- Unknown
1511
Things I've learned from my kids...
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
It does, however, make cats dizzy and cats throw up twice thier body
weight when dizzy.
-- Unknown
1512
If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like...
When loved ones come home,
always run to greet them.
-- Unknown
1513
If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like...
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
-- Unknown
1514
If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like...
Allow the experience of fresh air and
the wind in your face to be pure ectasy.
-- Unknown
1515
If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like...
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
-- Unknown
1516
If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like...
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
-- Unknown
1517
If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like...
Take naps and stretch before rising.
-- Unknown
1518
If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like...
Run, romp and play daily.
-- Unknown
1519
If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like...
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
-- Unknown
1520
If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like...
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
-- Unknown
1521
If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like...
On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.
-- Unknown
1522
If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like...
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
-- Unknown
1523
If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like...
When you're happy, dance around and wag your body.
-- Unknown
1524
If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like...
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the
guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends.
-- Unknown
1525
If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like...
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
-- Unknown
1526
If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like...
Eat with gusto and enthusiam. Stop when you've had enough.
-- Unknown
1527
If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like...
Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
-- Unknown
1528
If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like...
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
-- Unknown
1529
If a dog were your teacher, you'd learn stuff like...
When someone is having a bad day, be silent,
sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
-- Unknown
1530
...THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill
and a laxative on the same night.
-- Dave Berry
1531
...THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason
why the human race has not achieved, and never
will achieve, its full potential, that word
would be "meetings".
-- Dave Berry
1532
...THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
-- Dave Berry
1533
...THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...
People who want to share their religious views with
you almost never want you to share yours with them.
-- Dave Berry
1534
...THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...
No matter what happens, somebody will find
a way to take it too seriously.
-- Dave Berry
1535
...THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...
You should not confuse your career with your life.
-- Dave Berry
1536
...THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is
always one individual who perceives a solution and is
willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
-- Dave Berry
1537
...THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...
Never lick a steak knife.
-- Dave Berry
1538
...THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
-- Dave Berry
1539
...THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...
Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie
-- Dave Berry
1540
...THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
-- Dave Berry
1541
...THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear
and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
-- Dave Berry
1542
...THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an
actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
-- Dave Berry
1543
...THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people
to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
-- Dave Berry
1544
...THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that,
deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
-- Dave Berry
1545
...THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...
The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests
is to annoy people who are not in them.
-- Dave Berry
1546
...THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter,
is not a nice person.
-- Dave Berry
1547
...THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...
| Your friends love you anyway.-- Dave Berry
1548
Yesterday an egg...
Tomorrow a feather duster...
Enjoy today!! -- Unknown
1549
The Gospel according to kids... The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. -- Unknown
1550
The Gospel according to kids... The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterwards, Moses up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments. -- Unknown
1551
The Gospel according to kids... Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread- Which is bread without any ingredients. -- Unknown
1552
The Gospel according to kids... Sampson slayed the Phillistines with the axe of the Apostles. -- Unknown
1553
The Gospel according to kids... Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. -- Unknown
1554
The Gospel according to kids... The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they
had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. -- Unknown
1555
The Gospel according to kids... Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day,
but a ball of fire by night. -- Unknown
1556
The Gospel according to kids... Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears. -- Unknown
1557
The Gospel according to kids... Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark -- Unknown
1558
The Gospel according to kids... Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. -- Unknown
1559
The Gospel according to kids... In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired
of creating the world, so he took the Sadbath off. -- Unknown
1560
INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE...Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk. -- Unknown
1561
INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE...When you lose, don't lose the lesson. -- Unknown
1562
INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE...Follow the three R's:
Respect for self;
Respect for others;
and Responsibility for all your actions. -- Unknown
1563
INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE...Remember that NOT getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck. -- Unknown
1564
INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE...Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly. -- Unknown
1565
INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE...Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship. -- Unknown
1566
INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE...When you realize you have made a mistake,
take immediate steps to correct it. -- Unknown
1567
INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE...Spend some time alone every day. -- Unknown
1568
INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE...Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values. -- Unknown
1569
INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE...Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. -- Unknown
1570
INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE...Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older
and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time. -- Unknown
1571
INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE...In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with
the current situation. Don't bring up the past. -- Unknown
1572
INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE...Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality. -- Unknown
1573
INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE...Be gentle with the earth. -- Unknown
1574
INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE...Once a year, go someplace you've never been before. -- Unknown
1575
INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE... Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it. -- Unknown
1576
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS...Insanity is my only means of relaxation. -- Unknown
1577
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS...Reason to smile:
Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. -- Unknown
1578
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS...Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them. -- Unknown
1579
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS...One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs. -- Unknown
1580
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS...My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely. -- Unknown
1581
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS...The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. -- Unknown
1582
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS...The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does. -- Unknown
1583
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS...The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends. -- Unknown
1584
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS...Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. -- Unknown
1585
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS...Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. -- Unknown
1586
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS...I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs keptrubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire. -- Unknown
1587
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS...Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes! -- Unknown
1588
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS...A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care. -- Unknown
1589
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS...The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him. -- Unknown
1590
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS...I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff. -- Unknown
1591
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS...If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck? -- Unknown
1592
You're getting old when you don't care where yourspouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. -- Unknown
1593
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds? -- Unknown
1594
A woman friend tells me that at our age she has found that going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of her face. -- Unknown
1595
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired. -- Unknown
1596
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. -- Unknown
1597
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle. -- Unknown
1598
Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion? -- Unknown
1599
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police. -- Unknown
1600
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier. -- Unknown
To top of page
1601
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise. -- Unknown
1602
At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative. -- Unknown
1603
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. -- Unknown
1604
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress. -- Unknown
1605
You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. -- Unknown
1606
You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know till the 4th of July. -- Unknown
1607
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before. -- Unknown
1608
If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. -- Unknown
1609
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. -- Unknown
1610
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot. -- Unknown
1611
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. -- Unknown
1612
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. -- Unknown
1613
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. -- Unknown
1614
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. -- Unknown
1615
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. -- Unknown
1616
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. -- Unknown
1617
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. -- Unknown
1618
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. -- Unknown
1619
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. -- Unknown
1620
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. -- Unknown
1621
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. -- Unknown
1622
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. -- Unknown
1623
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. -- Unknown
1624
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. -- Unknown
1625
If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter? -- Unknown
1626
What do you call a male ladybug? -- Unknown
1627
Why didnt Noah swat those two mosquitoes? -- Unknown
1628
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man? -- Unknown
1629
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? -- Unknown
1630
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations? -- Unknown
1631
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? -- Unknown
1632
If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil? -- Unknown
1633
If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens? -- Unknown
1634
If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight? -- Unknown
1635
Why is a bra singular and panties plural? -- Unknown
1636
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane? -- Unknown
1637
Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together? -- Unknown
1638
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? -- Unknown
1639
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? -- Unknown
1640
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon? -- Unknown
1641
What do people in China call their good plates? -- Unknown
1642
When dog food is "new and improved tasting", who tests it? -- Unknown
1643
Your proctologist called; he found your head. -- Unknown
1644
Southern medical terms... Benign: What you be, after you be eight. -- Unknown
1645
Southern medical terms... Artery: The study of paintings. -- Unknown
1646
Southern medical terms... Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria. -- Unknown
1647
Southern medical terms... Barium: What doctors do when patients die. -- Unknown
1648
Southern medical terms... Cesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome. -- Unknown
1649
Southern medical terms... Catscan: Searching for Kitty. -- Unknown
1650
Southern medical terms... Cauterize: Made eye contact with her. -- Unknown
1651
Southern medical terms... Colic: A sheep dog. -- Unknown
1652
Southern medical terms... Coma: A punctuation mark. -- Unknown
1653
Southern medical terms... D&C: Where Washington is. -- Unknown
1654
Southern medical terms... Dilate: To live long. -- Unknown
1655
Southern medical terms... Enema: Not a friend. -- Unknown
1656
Southern medical terms... Fester: Quicker than someone else. -- Unknown
1657
Southern medical terms... Fibula: A small lie. -- Unknown
1658
Southern medical terms... Genital: Non-Jewish person. -- Unknown
1659
Southern medical terms... G.I. Series: World Series of military baseball. -- Unknown
1660
Southern medical terms... Hangnail: What you hang your coat on. -- Unknown
1661
Southern medical terms... Impotent: Distinguished, well known. -- Unknown
1662
Southern medical terms... Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work. -- Unknown
1663
Southern medical terms... Varicose: Near by/close by. -- Unknown
1664
Southern medical terms... Secretion: Hiding something. -- Unknown
1665
Southern medical terms... Seizure: Roman emperor. -- Unknown
1666
Southern medical terms... Tablet: A small table. -- Unknown
1667
Southern medical terms... Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport. -- Unknown
1668
Southern medical terms... Tumor: One plus one more. -- Unknown
1669
Southern medical terms... Urine: Opposite of you're out. -- Unknown
1670
Southern medical terms... Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery. -- Unknown
1671
Southern medical terms... Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane. -- Unknown
1672
Southern medical terms... Morbid: A higher offer. -- Unknown
1673
Southern medical terms... Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates. -- Unknown
1674
Southern medical terms... Node: I knew it. -- Unknown
1675
Southern medical terms... Outpatient: A person who has fainted. -- Unknown
1676
Southern medical terms... Pap Smear: A fatherhood test. -- Unknown
1677
Southern medical terms... Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis. -- Unknown
1678
Southern medical terms... Post Operative A letter carrier. -- Unknown
1679
Dogs think they're human. Cats know they are. -- Unknown
1680
Signs you're at a bad summer camp... It's located on a patch of the I 95 medium strip. -- David Letterman
1681
Signs you're at a bad summer camp... Each cabin is named after a different serial killer. -- David Letterman
1682
Signs you're at a bad summer camp... You toast marshmallows by laying them on the exhaust of the counselor's Chevy. -- David Letterman
1683
Signs you're at a bad summer camp... The water level of the lake rises whenever someone flushes the toilet. -- David Letterman
1684
Drama: what literature does at night. -- George Nathan
1685
Economics:
The science of telling you things you've known all your life, but in a language you can't understand. -- Rep. Dick Armey
1686
Perfectionist:
A person who takes great pains... and gives them to others -- Unknown
1687
Ectasy: Discovering a second layer of chocolate under the first. -- Bill Lyon in Philadelphia Inquirer
1688
Buying stock is exactly the same thing as going to a casino, only with no cocktail service. -- Ted Allen in Esquire
1689
Thinking is what a great many people think they're doing when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. -- William James
1690
In a conversation, keep in mind that you're more interested in what you have to say than anyone else is. -- Andy Rooney
1691
Discipline without freedom is tyranny; Freedom without discipline is chaos. -- Cullen Hightower
1692
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when... You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it. -- Unknown
1693
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when... When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there. -- Unknown
1694
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when... When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age. -- Unknown
1695
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when... When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it. -- Unknown
1696
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when... When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does. -- Unknown
1697
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when... When happy hour is a nap. -- Unknown
1698
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when... When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio. -- Unknown
1699
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when... It takes two tries to get up from the couch. -- Unknown
1700
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when... When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture. -- Unknown
To top of page
1701
Q. What is the state flower of New Jersye? A. Mildew -- Unknown
1702
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when... Your back goes out but you stay home. -- Unknown
1703
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when... At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal. -- Unknown
1704
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when... You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any. -- Unknown
1705
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when... You and your teeth don't sleep together. -- Unknown
1706
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when... You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. -- Unknown
1707
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when... You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore. -- Unknown
1708
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when... You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there. -- Unknown
1709
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when... You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good. -- Unknown
1710
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when... You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time. -- Unknown
1711
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when... Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work. -- Unknown
1712
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when... It takes twice as long - to look half as good. -- Unknown
1713
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when... The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals. -- Unknown
1714
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when... Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot. -- Unknown
1715
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when... The pharmacist has become your new best friend. -- Unknown
1716
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when... You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. -- Unknown
1717
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when... Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.. -- Unknown
1718
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when... Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer. -- Unknown
1719
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when... It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired. -- Unknown
1720
You know you're getting "marvelously mature" when... Your idea of weight lifting is standing up. -- Unknown
1721
Sometimes getting a grip on your problems means knowing when to let go. -- Ziggy comic
1722
Children do not always listen to their parents, but they never fail to imitate them. -- James Baldwin
1723
He who laughs last, thinks slowest. -- Unknown
1724
A day without sunshine is like, well, night. -- Unknown
1725
On the other hand, you have different fingers. -- Unknown
1726
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. -- Unknown
1727
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. -- Unknown
1728
I wish the buck stopped here, as I could use a few. -- Unknown
1729
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. -- Unknown
1730
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. -- Unknown
1731
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. -- Unknown
1732
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first. -- Unknown
1733
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool. -- Unknown
1734
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? -- Unknown
1735
Honk if you love peace and quiet. -- Unknown
1736
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. -- Unknown
1737
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. -- Unknown
1738
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged. -- Unknown
1739
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. -- Unknown
1740
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. -- Unknown
1741
Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it. -- Unknown
1742
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. -- Unknown
1743
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. -- Unknown
1744
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. -- Unknown
1745
Diplomacy ... the art of restraining power. -- Henry Kissinger
1746
Windows multitasks, it can boot and crash at the same time. -- Unknown
1747
Myth: Alligator shirts have alligators on them.
Truth: They crocodiles. Rene' Lacoste, a French tennis star known as Le Crocodile, invented them in the 1920's. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader".
1748
Myth: The sardine is a species of fish.
FACT: The word "sardine" actually refers to any breed of small fish, including herring and pilchard, that's been stuffed into a sardine can. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader".
1749
Myth: SOS stands for "Save Our Ship". Truth: It doesn't stand for anything. It was selected as a distress signal because it's easy to transmit in Morse code: 3 dots, 3 dashes, 3 dots. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader".
1750
Lets face it, English is a stupid language...There is no egg in the eggplant,
no ham in the hamburger,
and neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England,
French fries were not invented in France.
Quicksand takes you down slowly, and,
boxing rings are square. -- Unknown
1751
Thought for Today..
26% of (insert ethnic group here) can't read.
The other 92% can't do Math. -- Unknown
1752
Thought for Today..
I have erased the thin line between genius and insanity. -- Unknown
1753
Thought for Today..
Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell? -- Unknown
1754
Thought for Today..
Burn the flag, but tie yourself to it first. -- Unknown
1755
Lets face it, English is a stupid language...A guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. If writers write, how come fingers don't fing. If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth? -- Unknown
1756
Lets face it, English is a stupid language...If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what the heck does humanitarian eat!? Why do people recite at a play yet play at a recital? Why do people park on driveways and drive on parkways? -- Unknown
1757
Lets face it, English is a stupid language...When the stars are out they are visible. When the lights are out they are invisible. A house burns up as it burns down. When I wind up my watch it starts but when I wind up this story it ends? -- Unknown
1758
Lets face it, English is a stupid language...Why is A person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives race car not called a racist? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? -- Unknown
1759
Myth: Your ears are the things you see on the side of your head.
Truth: Technically, the human ear is located inside the skull, and stops at the end of the ear canal. The parts you see are called the "pinnas". -- Unknown
1760
Myth: The French poodle originated in France.
Truth: The breed was created in Germany around the 16th century. -- Unknown
1761
Myth: Fortune cookies were invented in China.
Truth: They were invented in the United States in 1918 by Charles Jung, a Chinese restaurant owner, to amuse customers while they waited for their food. -- Unknown
1762
Just when you thought you knew everything...Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.-- Unknown
1763
Just when you thought you knew everything...Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.-- Unknown
1764
Just when you thought you knew everything...There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.-- Unknown
1765
Just when you thought you knew everything...The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.-- Unknown
1766
Just when you thought you knew everything...A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.-- Unknown
1767
Just when you thought you knew everything...There are more chickens than people in the world.-- Unknown
1768
Just when you thought you knew everything...Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.-- Unknown
1769
Just when you thought you knew everything...The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched".-- Unknown
1770
Just when you thought you knew everything...On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.-- Unknown
1771
Just when you thought you knew everything...All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.-- Unknown
1772
Just when you thought you knew everything...No word in the English language rhymes with month,orange, silver, or purple.-- Unknown
1773
Just when you thought you knew everything..."Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".-- Unknown
1774
Just when you thought you knew everything...All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.-- Unknown
1775
Just when you thought you knew everything...Almonds are a member of the peach family.-- Unknown
1776
Just when you thought you knew everything...Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.-- Unknown
1777
Just when you thought you knew everything...Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.-- Unknown
1778
Just when you thought you knew everything...There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.-- Unknown
1779
Just when you thought you knew everything...Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula".-- Unknown
1780
Just when you thought you knew everything...A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.-- Unknown
1781
Just when you thought you knew everything...An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.-- Unknown
1782
Just when you thought you knew everything...Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.-- Unknown
1783
Just when you thought you knew everything...In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.-- Unknown
1784
Just when you thought you knew everything...Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.-- Unknown
1785
Just when you thought you knew everything...The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank
Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life".-- Unknown
1786
Just when you thought you knew everything...A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.-- Unknown
1787
Just when you thought you knew everything...A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.-- Unknown
1788
Just when you thought you knew everything...A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.-- Unknown
1789
Just when you thought you knew everything...It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.-- Unknown
1790
Just when you thought you knew everything...The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.-- Unknown
1791
Just when you thought you knew everything...In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.-- Unknown
1792
Just when you thought you knew everything...Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.-- Unknown
1793
Just when you thought you knew everything...The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.-- Unknown
1794
Just when you thought you knew everything...The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.-- Unknown
1795
Just when you thought you knew everything...There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.-- Unknown
1796
Just when you thought you knew everything..."Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.-- Unknown
1797
No matter how cynical you get,
it's impossible to keep up. -- Lily Tomlin
1798
There will be sex after death;
we just won't be able to feel it. -- Lily Tomlin
1799
The trouble with the rat race is that
even if you win, you're still a rat. -- Lily Tomlin
1800
For fast-acting relief, try slowing down. -- Lily Tomlin
To top of page
1801
If truth is beauty, how come no one
has their hair done in a library. -- Lily Tomlin
1802
Why is it that when we talk to God, we're said to be praying
--but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic? -- Lily Tomlin
1803
The best mind altering drug is the truth. -- Lily Tomlin
1804
I something's true, you don't have to believe in it. -- Lily Tomlin
1805
You are what you think...Geez, that's frightening. -- Lily Tomlin
1806
Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. -- Lily Tomlin
1807
If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? -- Lily Tomlin
1808
Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination. -- Lily Tomlin
1809
We're all in this alone. -- Lily Tomlin
1810
Our ability to delude ourselves may be an important survival tool. -- Lily Tomlin
1811
Murphy's Law applied to Newton's: What goes up must come down... but don't expect it to land where you can find it. -- Lily Tomlin
1812
Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. -- Harry S. Truman
1813
Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to hear at the trial. -- Sydney Biddle Barrows
1814
You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. -- Al Capone
1815
To succeed with to opposite sex, tell her you're impotent.
She can't wait to disprove it. -- Cary Grant
1816
Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly. -- Gypsy Rose Lee
1817
Don't try to take on a new personality.
It doesn't work. -- Richard Nixon
1818
Rise early. Work late. Strike oil. -- J. Paul Getty
1819
What is worth doing is worth the trouble
of asking someone to do it. -- Ambrose Bierce
1820
Marriage is a great institution, but
I'm not ready for an institution yet. -- Mae West from "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1821
It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean. -- Mae West from "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1822
She's the kind of girl who climbed
the ladder of success, wrong by wrong. -- Mae West from "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1823
Between two evils, I always pick
the one I haven't tried before. -- Mae West from "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1824
I generally avoid temptation
--unless I can't resist it. -- Mae West from "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1825
It's not the men in my life that counts
--it's the life in my men. -- Mae West from "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1826
He who hesitates is last. -- Mae West from "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1827
When women go wrong, men go right after them. -- Mae West from "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1828
Too much of a good thing can be wonderful. -- Mae West from "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1829
I used to be Snow White...but I drifted. -- Mae West from "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1830
I like two kinds of men--domestic and foreign. -- Mae West from "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1831
A man in the house is worth two in the street. -- Mae West from "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1832
He's the kind of man a woman would
have to marry to get rid of. -- Mae West from "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1833
Brains are an asset...if you hide them. -- Mae West from "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1834
When I'm good, I'm very good.
But when I'm bad I'm better. -- Mae West from "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1835
I've always had a weakness for foreign affairs. -- Mae West from "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1836
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...
but not downstairs. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1837
Charles Dickens always slept facing north.
He thought it improved his writing. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1838
Men get hiccups more often than women.
No one knows why. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1839
State of the union: The house where Thomas Jefferson
wrote most of the Declaration of Independence was torn
down and replaced with a hamburger stand. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1840
If you're an average American, you'll spend about
6 months of you life waiting at red lights. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1841
The average adult male shaves off a pound
of beard growth every 10 years. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1842
Musical note: A "Big Band" is any band with 10 or more musicians. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1843
The #1 use of gold in the United States: class rings. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1844
If you're of average weight, multiply it by 0.02
--that's how much your brain weighs. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1845
Chimpanzees lie a lot. How do scientists know?
They taught them sign language. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1846
Bathroom fact: Armadillos can be house broken. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1847
Humans are the only primates that don't have
pigment in the palms of their hands. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1848
The word "squaw" does not appear in any Native American language. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1849
Hamsters get their name from "Hamstern",
a German word that means "to hoard". -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1850
According to NASA, it's nearly impossible to shed tears in zero gravity. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1851
Rule of thumb: Nearly all boys grow
at least as tall as their mothers. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1852
US hens lay enough eggs in a year to circle the equator 100 times. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1853
Men gamblers bet more money when they bring their wives. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1854
On target: When a male camel spits at something,
it aims for the eyes. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1855
The Pacific Ocean covers more of the Earth's surface
than all the continents combined. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1856
More collect calls are made on Father's Day
than on any other day of the year. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1857
If you pet your pig, it will have a larger litter.
Pigs, like people, respond to kindness. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1858
Calorie counting? People who work at night
tend to weigh more than people who don't. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1859
Who believes in Santa? Studies show more
4-year-olds than any other age group. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1860
States with the three highest divorce rates:
Arkansas, Wyoming, and Tennessee, in that order. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1861
There are an average of 178 seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1862
Heavy thought: The world's termites outweigh
the world's humans 10 to 1. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1863
When do shoplifters take the most stuff?
Between 3PM and 6PM on Friday and Sunday. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1864
Eagles see better than humans on clear days;
humans see better than eagles on foggy days. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1865
Poll results: 24% of Americans say the world
"was in better shape a thousand years ago". -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1866
Hoosier pride: Kentucky Fried Chicken's Col. Sanders
was actually born in Indiana. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1867
Hard to swallow: 9% of the world's ostriches
suffer from eating disorders. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1868
The average bra is designed to last for only 180 days of use. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1869
John Heisman (of trophy fame) also coined the word "hike" and split football games into 4 quarters. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1870
"Tug of war" was an Olympic event between 1900 and 1920. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1871
How many hairs on your head?
If you're blonde, about 150,000;
brunette, 100,000; redhead, 60,000 -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1872
While performing her duties as queen,
Cleopatra sometimes wore a fake beard. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1873
The US government spent $277,000 on "pickle research" in 1993. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1874
If you're a healthy, full-grown adult,
your thigh bones are stronger than concrete. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1875
Thomas Edison invented wax paper. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1876
When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle,
it travels at a rate of 25 miles per hour. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1877
First American to have plumbing installed in his home:
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, 1840. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1878
The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung,
used by Egyptians in 2000 BC. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1879
Starfish ahve eight eyes--one at the end of each leg. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1880
In 1980, the yellow pages accidentally listed
a Texas funeral home under Frozen Foods. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1881
The first sound recording ever made was "Mary Had a
Little Lamb", by Thomas Edison in 1877. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1882
Genghis Khan's calvary rode female horses.
Why? So soldiers could drink their milk. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1883
On an average day, 102 people visit the
Dr. Pepper Museum in Waco, Texas. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1884
In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch
mice without a hunting license. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1885
The largest painting on earth is a 72,437 square foot smiley face. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1886
There are only two places in the world where
men outlive women: southern Asia and Iran. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1887
At this moment, nearly 2,000 thunderstorms
are taking place around the world. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1888
Dr. Seuss coined the word "nerd" in his 1950 book "If I Ran the Zoo". -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1889
Where does the word "condom" come from?
Dr. Charles Condom (1630-1685). -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1890
Sound familiar? Gorillas stick out their tongues when they're angry. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1891
The heaviest dog on record was a St. Bernard that weighed 310 pounds. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1892
According to Playboy magazine, 99% of cat
and dog owners talk to their pets. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1893
Traffic report: Accidents rise 10% in the first week
of daylight savings time. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1894
Iceland consumes more Coca Cola per capita than
any other nation on earth. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1895
Kitty litter: 3,000 out of every 3,001 calico kittens
are born females. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1896
Only about a third of "Gilligan's Island" episodes
are actually about getting off the island. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1897
It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather
for a year's supply of footballs. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1898
Thirty-five per cent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1899
The first novel ever written on a typewriter was "
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer". -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1900
Stage fright: According to tradition, it's bad luck to
say "MacBeth" in a theater. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
To top of page
1901
The average caterpillar has 2,000 muscles in its body.
The average human, less than 700. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1902
Best selling candy bar in Russia: Snickers. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1903
Restroom tip: The first stall is usually the cleanest.
Most people, seeking privacy, skip it. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1904
In their first year of life, puppies grow 10 times
faster than human infants do. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1905
Placed end to end, the bad checks Americans write
in one year would stretch 35,500 miles. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1906
The top six reasons for being late to work:
1) traffic,
2) oversleeping,
3) procrastinating,
4) household chores,
5) car problems,
6) having sex. -- From "The Best of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader"
1907
Ride a bus. Find money. Get tatoo removed. -- SEPTA bus bumper sticker
1908
Ride a bus. Find money. Get liposuction. -- SEPTA bus bumper sticker
1909
"I'll not listen to reason.
Reason is always what someone else has got to say." -- Elizabeth C. Gaskell
1910
Every morning is the dawn of a new error. -- Unknown
1911
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic. -- Unknown
1912
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke
at the dinner table in front of her kids. -- Unknown
1913
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...You've been married three times and still
have the same in-laws. -- Unknown
1914
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. -- Unknown
1915
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...You think Genitalia is an Italian airline. -- Unknown
1916
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. -- Unknown
1917
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.' -- Unknown
1918
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...You go to your family reunion looking for a date. -- Unknown
1919
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge. -- Unknown
1920
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...Your wife yells at you to remove the engine block
from the bathroom so she can use the tub. -- Unknown
1921
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...Your idea of saying no to crack means pulling up your pants. -- Unknown
1922
I'll speak for the man or against him,
whichever will do the most good. -- Richard Nixon
1923
When the president does it, that means is is not illegal. -- Richard Nixon
1924
Call it paranoia, but paranoia for peace isn't that bad. -- Richard Nixon
1925
English weirdness..You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which you fill in a form by filling it out.-- Unknown
1926
English weirdness..Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?-- Unknown
1927
English weirdness..If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?-- Unknown
1928
English weirdness..Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one (or oneteen)?-- Unknown
1929
English weirdness..If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?-- Unknown
1930
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?-- Unknown
1931
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?-- Unknown
1932
If people from Poland are called "Poles", why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"? -- Unknown
1933
English weirdness..English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which of course isn't a race at all).-- Unknown
1934
Thought for Today:We are the most powerful planet on earth. -- Dan Quayle
1935
Thought for Today:Q: What do you call a Yugo with twin tail pipes?
A: A wheelbarrow.-- Unknown
1936
Answers to life's important questions..
Q: What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
A: Dam!-- Unknown
1937
Answers to life's important questions..
Q: What do eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids.-- Unknown
1938
Answers to life's important questions..
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A: A stick.-- Unknown
1939
Answers to life's important questions..
Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A: Nacho cheese.-- Unknown
1940
Answers to life's important questions..
Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate clauses.-- Unknown
1941
Answers to life's important questions..
Q: What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
A: Quattro sinko.-- Unknown
1942
Answers to life's important questions..
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.-- Unknown
1943
Answers to life's important questions..
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.-- Unknown
1944
Answers to life's important questions..
Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.-- Unknown
1945
Answers to life's important questions..
Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: Right where you left it.-- Unknown
1946
Answers to life's important questions..
Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.-- Unknown
1947
Answers to life's important questions..
Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A: Because it scares the dog.-- Unknown
1948
Answers to life's important questions..
Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
A: Sanka.-- Unknown
1949
Answers to life's important questions..
Q: What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The location of the dirt bag.-- Unknown
1950
Answers to life's important questions..
Q: Why does a pilgram's pants always fall down?
A: Because they wear their buckle on their hat.-- Unknown
1951
Answers to life's important questions..
Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.-- Unknown
1952
Answers to life's important questions..
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it.
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: Tame way, unique up on it.-- Unknown
1953
Answers to life's important questions.
Q: How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer. -- Unknown
1954
Thought for Today:
Show off:
A child who is more talented than yours. -- Unknown
1955
Answers to life's important questions..
Q: What do you call sky diving lawyers?
A: Skeet. -- Unknown
1956
Answers to life's important questions..
Q: What goes "clop, clop, clop; bang, bang; clop, clop, clop?
A: An Amish drive by shooting. -- Unknown
1957
Thought for Today:
Do Infants have as much fun in Infancy as Adults in Adultery? -- Unknown
1958
I hear that the Russians are going to send another woman to the space station. She weighs less than a dishwasher. -- Unknown
1959
A nation which despises its soldiers will all too soon have a despicable army. -- Jerry Pournelle
1960
Windows-95 is a 32 bit extension and graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition. -- Unknown
1961
We cannot judge it before it is concluded, and we cannot judge it even after it has been concluded. -- Richard Nixon
1962
You're only young once, but you can be immature forever. -- Unknown
1963
DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS...AMNESIA:
Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.-- Unknown
1964
DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS...DUMBWAITER:
One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.-- Unknown
1965
DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS...FULL NAME:
What you call your child when you're mad at him.-- Unknown
1966
DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS...FEEDBACK:
The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.-- Unknown
1967
DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS...FAMILY PLANNING:
The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.-- Unknown
1968
DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS...GRANDPARENTS:
The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.-- Unknown
1969
DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS...HEARSAY:
What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.-- Unknown
1970
DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS...IMPREGNABLE:
A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.-- Unknown
1971
DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS...INDEPENDENT:
How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.-- Unknown
1972
DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS...OW:
The first word spoken by children with older siblings.-- Unknown
1973
DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS...PUDDLE:
A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.-- Unknown
1974
DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS...STERILIZE:
What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.-- Unknown
1975
DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS...TOP BUNK:
Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.-- Unknown
1976
DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS...TWO MINUTE WARNING:
When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.-- Unknown
1977
DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS...VERBAL:
Able to whine in words.-- Unknown
1978
DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS...WHODUNIT:
None of the kids that live in your house.-- Unknown
1979
I've learned....that when you're in love, it shows.-- Andy Rooney
1980
I've learned....that just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!"makes my day.-- Andy Rooney
1981
I've learned....that having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.-- Andy Rooney
1982
I've learned....that being kind is more important than being right.-- Andy Rooney
1983
I've learned....that you should never say no to a gift from a child.-- Andy Rooney
1984
I've learned....that I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help in some other way.-- Andy Rooney
1985
I've learned....that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.-- Andy Rooney
1986
I've learned....that sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.-- Andy Rooney
1987
I've learned....that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.-- Andy Rooney
1988
I've learned....that money doesn't buy class.-- Andy Rooney
1989
I've learned....that it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.-- Andy Rooney
1990
I've learned....that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved-- Andy Rooney
1991
I've learned....that the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?-- Andy Rooney
1992
I've learned....that to ignore the facts does not change the facts.-- Andy Rooney
1993
I've learned....that when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.-- Andy Rooney
1994
I've learned....that love, not time, heals all wounds.-- Andy Rooney
1995
I've learned....that the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.-- Andy Rooney
1996
I've learned....that everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.-- Andy Rooney
1997
I've learned....that there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.-- Andy Rooney
1998
I've learned....that no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.-- Andy Rooney
1999
I've learned....that life is tough, but I'm tougher.-- Andy Rooney
2000
I've learned....that opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.-- Andy Rooney
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